AIBU in not wanting this woman in my home watching me?

[garrowismylaw]

After yet another meeting with the school Family resource worker has informed us that
A)she will be coming to our home to 'observe' us as a 'family unit'
B) suggested we go to her parenting classes

AIBU in not wanting any of this because basically she is very young, not married and has no children herself so how can she possibly 'know' us.

Have gone along with and in fact have bent over backwards with everything the school and ED Physc have proposed for past 3-4 years. But cannot bear the idea od a stranger 'watching' us in own home.
Makes me feel like some kind of criminal...or worse.

Garrow I really feel fr ou ...to much no yur plate atm. If it offers any comfort to you,, a good friend of mine has a 7 year old with ADD, and Autism...they were recently observed at home by the profesionals...and they had NO fear of it...because they have a lot of experience with these set ups...she is a magistrate and he is a lawyer!

Not once did they think it was to judge them...they knew it was for the benefit of their DD who has always hd issues at school (mainstream)and becuause of their experience with children in a profesional capacity, they understood the mechanism of it all.

Im like you and would crap myself....but they have the confidence of prior nowledge and very powerful jobs...no self doubt.

I would go with it...don't worry...tak to your GP about your own stress. Sorry it's tough right now.

SO sorry for all my typos! Crappy laptop!

garrow post again on SN

Try to be open-minded - the school Family Resource worker has the benefit of professional training and will be able to stand back and may see some very obvious things that you are doing inadvertently as a family that are interfering with your harmony and well-being. Honestly, you might have a pleasant surprise at how much fun it will all be!

mmmm, once they get their clutches in you and you're in the system all sorts of awful things sometimes (but not usually) can happen but then if you refuse to co-operate they'll think something dodgy is going on at home. Perhaps just say you are a bit too busy to do that for now but are happy to be kept informed of how things are going at school.

what is your husband saying to it? do you feel that they will use the obvious tension in your home to peg his behaviour on, whereas clearly you feel that there is a medical issue?

i can understand your reluctance right now but i wouldn't say no. i'd certainly move to postpone it until these other results come through, however. christmas and new year etc is coming, you must surely be fine to give it a miss until the new term?

ditto what mascochismtongoer said. it's not being defensive to want to know exactly why this observation is going to take place and what the repercussions will be afterwards; and whether you have a choice as to it happening or not in the first place. Perhaps you could also arrange for an independent observer of your own to be there - mum, friend, sister etc?

www.lgcareers.com/careers-az/family-support-worker/

I would tell them you are only happy to have someone suitably qualified and with children themselves. If you look at the link above, this position needs NO specific qualifications (!!)

Seems very cloak and dagger. No I wouldn't have her in my home you need some privacy surely?

Schools can really get on my tits tbh. They shouldn't do things behind your back, shows no respect.

I would suggest you do the following: 1) go to the SEN board for support. 2) Contact IPSEA or SENSOS for some support and an idea of your rights. 3) Maybe contact your local parent partnership for support. 4) Maybe contact the National Autistic Society.

Personally I would be angry with someone from outside of school talking to my child without my permission.

Good luck!

"AIBU in not wanting any of this because basically she is very young, not married and has no children herself so how can she possibly 'know' us."

YABU. She is a professional. Sometimes a different perspective helps.

If they are identifying issues, then they need to be sorted out, surely?

just because theres nothing to worry about it dousnt mean you have to let them in your home. i certainly wouldnt.

If you suspect your son has ASD, then it's worth mentioning to the would-be assessor that disruptions to his usual routine SUCH AS VISITORS can perturb him and make things harder to manage (if this is the case -- it certainly would be for my son) and that you would like to take things one step at a time, starting with the hospital assessments already arranged, in order not to overload him.

I don't care how nice she could be, I would HATE having someone in my home observing me, and recording me.

Why are they rushing this? Why not go through the assessment procedure first? Stress to them that whilst you are not totally averse to the idea, you think it is a bit premature as your DS is going through the assessment procedure at the moment.

Also point out that it is difficult to be filled with confidence with the actions and intentions of the school and with this person when this person had met with your DS without ANYONE telling you it was happening until after the event.

I would be tempted to level with the school and say that as things are difficult at home right now, you don't want people observing you and creating further stress, but you are open and willing to their other suggestions, plus you are going through more formal assessment. Then take up the good advice on here about how to get more help.

Lancelottie got it in one. If your DS has suspected ASD he is highly unlikely to display the same behaviour with a stranger present as without, so any advice will be next to useless.

Tell school you are all going to to wait until the assessment has been completed and diagnosis made (or not as the case may be) and then take the action appropriate to that.

Read between the lines and you can see they may well be trying to get your son out of their school because they're worried he'll affect their statistics. My DS's school tried it by saying they could no longer meet his needs, then when I made it very clear he wasn't going anywhere else, all of a sudden they said he was was doing really well and it was all down to them! What a coincidence

Sounds like they haven't given you enough information for you to feel comfortable with this. Having worked in behaviour management with primary kids for a while, I can honestly say that if observations have been carried out, it has been to watch the child and write down some very objective facts about how they consistently react to the environment they're in.

I totally get that you're resistant to this (I would be too!) and I think you've got more rights than you think you have.

If it were me, I wouldn't just roll over and say yes. I think you could say that you do see they may be some value in it. However, all the info on his school-based assessment isn't in. So many children have one behaviour profile at home and a TOTALLY different one at school. If this whole process is to help your DS engage appropriately at school (sorry to sound so cold) then it may or may not help him.

If he's only unable to engage at school, then it's more likely that changes made by the staff at the school will help him hugely. If he's struggling to engage with you and his other family at home AS WELL, then there is probably a general challenge he has, wherever he is.

I don't think they're wanting to judge you necessarily, but I totally get why it feels like that. And I also appreciate your unease about the qualifications and experience of this particular worker.

Ask more about the process, ask to see the forms that will be filled in (if there are any), ask about her qualifications. Perhaps agree to it at a later stage. You can delay things for good reasons at this stage without appearing resistant or defensive..

Also totally agree with what Lancelottie said. It's a totally reasonable response.

well the school feel that this is a family/behaviour issue rather than a medical one. So that's why they want this person to come and observe you. It might turn out that your son does not have any sn but that decision could take a long time. The school want to see quicker results as it sounds like they are on the verge of excluding your son.

'the school feel that this is a family/behaviour issue rather than a medical one' - they are not qualified to make that judgement