AIBU in not wanting this woman in my home watching me?

[garrowismylaw]

After yet another meeting with the school Family resource worker has informed us that
A)she will be coming to our home to 'observe' us as a 'family unit'
B) suggested we go to her parenting classes

AIBU in not wanting any of this because basically she is very young, not married and has no children herself so how can she possibly 'know' us.

Have gone along with and in fact have bent over backwards with everything the school and ED Physc have proposed for past 3-4 years. But cannot bear the idea od a stranger 'watching' us in own home.
Makes me feel like some kind of criminal...or worse.

I agree with those who suggest waiting until the ASD assessment has been done.

I presume a Family Resource Worker is some sort of outreach/welfare worker from the school. NOT qualified to assess for ASD. Likely to be nice and well meaning though.

I think its a waste of time and resources for the school to undertake home visits if your child is awaiting referral.

Tell them you appreciate the offer but you think it would be too much for DS as he will soon be expected to undergo tests and examinations etc.

My child has LD and ASD and if his old mainstream school had suggested we had the welfare lady round to watch us I would have been more than annoyed.

Which is why he is now in SEN school.

It's a double-edged sword. I had a similar situation when my boy was young. On the one hand, these 'busy-bodies' don't get involved soon enough, or do enough when there is a problem that can benefit from outside help. And they fasten onto the challenges that are more easily 'solved' - in order to get their targets looking good in my view. You're likely to get resistence to refusal to allow them in, so perhaps you should let them into your home on the basis that you understand fully what it is they're seeking to understand before they come. You never know - she might be a 'Super-Nanny' and solve all your parenting challenges!

Thankyou everyone for all your input. Had some great advice. I am worried, as pointed out, that school may be trying to get rid of him permenantly as they have had 4 years of it now. Every time I meet with Head just lately he seems so negative.
I think my best route will be to stand firm and insist that school wait until after assessment has been done. If they don't like it, tough. FRW may be nice and well meaning but, as she is not qualified in the area of SN then I don't really see what home visit will achieve....unless she is just acting for the benefit of the school in order to exclude DS.

We had a couple of home visists from a family support worker, and did the parenting classes.

Is your child statemented? If you are trying to get a diagnosis and statement, it's a good idea to play nicely with these know nothings well meaning, but ultimately not very knowledgeable, people. Shows you have exhausted all options.

Sorry to hear things are so bad at school OP.

We had similar with our ds and had a person visit the home to help us parent better. They stayed less than an hour, told us we were doing better than anyone could expect given my ds's needs and left.

I'm so glad we let her visit as it helped show that our ds's problems were not as a result of bad parenting.

The days before her visit were hell thou, felt so alone and judged.

New school ds went to when he was 7 was fantastic an supportive. Have you thought of finding a better one if it is possible? Sorry haven't read all the posts.

Good Luck

Family resource worker was 'passing' today and dropped in with info on parenting classes. We live on a cul de sac so how is that passing .
Told me that there was only 1 place left on the course which meant I would have to go alone. Sorry, thought this was supposed to a parens not parent class? Anyway, she said, DH would most likely be too busy to go. What does she think I do all day?
So I now have to find childcare for 2 younger DCs every Thursday for 13 weeks. When I pointed out to her that I would prefer that both DH and I go she seemed suprised. Seemed to think that I could just pass on everything I learn to him.
She also wanted to make app for home visit and instead of saying what I had planned, that I would rather not do it at all, I completely caved in and agreed to it. Feel like such a pushover. Why can't I be more assertive!!!!

better to get it over with.
i am sure it will be absolutely fine

garrowismylaw
She also wanted to make app for home visit and instead of saying what I had planned, that I would rather not do it at all, I completely caved in and agreed to it. Feel like such a pushover. Why can't I be more assertive!!!!

Because she turned up on your door step when you were not prepared and wrong footed you.

If you are not happy with what has been agreed with her - write a letter - CC the school stating that you have on reflection and in consultation with DH decided that you want to wait till after the assessments have been done. Also ask that no more unannounced visits occur.

Another option is to ask for in writing in advanced to the home visit an explanation of what will happen, what the aims are and what purpose the information will be used for and state that till you have such information you are not prepared to have the home visit.

A third option is to go ahead with the visit and hope for the best.

You can also back out of the parenting classes citing childcare issues or that you want to do it in conjunction with your DH so will wait till two places are available. Or you could send DH instead or go yourself as planned and hope to learn something.

You do not have to let her into your house at all especially if she turns up announced - just say it is not convenient and can she come back another day/time arranged in advance.

You still have options if you are not happy.

garrowismylaw

Anyway, she said, DH would most likely be too busy to go. What does she think I do all day?

She told you that your DH would be to busy to attend something she thinks will benefit his son. How very odd.

No there isn't more than what I've already stated.
Yes, my DS1 is naughty at school

Yes maybe parenting classes would be good...but not just me, think DH should also attend, he is father after all and this should be a joint campaign

Yes, marriage is under pressure atm, but this would not explain DS's behaviour over last 6 years

Just feel that I am being steamrollered into this and with marriage crumbling and trying to keep things afloat and upbeat for sake of DCs and xmas...just seems too much atm.

garrowismylaw
Just feel that I am being steamrollered into this and with marriage crumbling and trying to keep things afloat and upbeat for sake of DCs and xmas...just seems too much atm.

Tell her that - that you feel pressured into doing things, do not understand why the focus is just on your parenting not DH or the joint parenting you do and with everything you have going on at the minute, and do not go into specifics, that on reflection you want to wait to do things till you feel ready.

Perhaps you should see if there are other parenting classes available in the area - though Sure Start maybe - and see if they are more convenient or if you would be more comfortable with someone else running them.

Our DS2 is in the process of an assessment for ASD (amongst other issues), and one of the many people we've met with at the school has been what (I believe) is a Family Resource worker. She is the only one that has requested to meet with us at home. We asked if she could do it after the Christmas holidays as things are a bit chaotic right now, and she was absolutely fine with that. No rush there.

She told me that her job was to provide any type of visual things that are helpful to him in school (such as his now/then board, and day planner board, "stop" signs, and things like that) to us at home as well. So she always does one home visit to discuss it, see where it might be helpful, and if we're interested in it. She said it's not a hard push to incorporate any of it, as obviously the surroundings at school are different than at home. But she stated it was not her job to make any judgements AT ALL, but to simply be a resource to provide us with visual aids and other things that we may need (or simply like to try at home) for DS2.

You have been asking for support for your son, and have been offered it, but now it's on offer you don't want it because it is too intrusive.

So, just decline the services and accept the status quo if that's what you want, and then be willing to accept the consequences too as your DS gets older.

In an ideal world there should be space for your husband on the course, but it may mean that one more family can be helped at the same time.

Are there other sources of support you can access?

Another person in family support network, council/sure start parenting classes, HV or any support groups for ASD or other behaviour issues?

Sometimes when I feel pressured into things I am less receptive to learning/doing whatever it is. Sometime the same advice you have been given previously from a source you trust means you realise it is relevant to your situation. There does seem to be a lack of trust in both this support worker and her qualifications/experience and she seems to be bad at communicating - no notice about meeting DC at school, lack of explanation about purpose of home visit and turning up unannounced.

Thanks for the good advice on this prob.
Think I need to have a chat with Ed Physcologist as I trust her, feel comfortable with her as she has been involved since DS was 2.
Think maybe I feel this FRW is just too pushy IYSWIM, and don't feel same level of comfort.

So agree with Maryz - ASD isn't made by bad parenting, it just makes you look like a bad parent. Also re the high proportion of children with behaviour problems coming from '' broken homes'' - I am sure that a lot are broken by the behaviour not the other way round.

Personally I would be wary of someone who is not a SN specialist doing any observations or giving me suggestions. If they are a specialist I would jump at the help but you do need to find out.