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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10yr olds calling each other fat

36 replies

misdee · 10/12/2010 15:59

i have one very upset dd1 here.

she has been called Fat yet gasin by someone horrible in her class.

she isnt fat. her weight and height are fine.

she is little though, smallest in her class.

i just want to go knock on this girls house and have it out with her mum about her dd, but obviously i wont.

dd1 wont let me talk to the school.

tigress loaming inside.

am roaring.

OP posts:
anonymosity · 10/12/2010 16:04

I do think you should tell the teacher and ask if they can keep an eye on it / speak to relevant parents about positive body image etc.
I have a friend who I've known since we were 7. At 10 she was called fat a lot by one mean girl and she became an anorexic which has impacted on her all her life. Not everyone is going to go that route, but its best if you can nip this one in the bud. It counts as bullying / harassment.

dingdongDandyLioness · 10/12/2010 16:05

Of course YABU - don't blame you for roaring.

How often has this happened? Do you know why? Is she being bullied do you think, and 'fat' is the insult du jour regardless of whether it is accurately applies or not?

If it was me, I would try and persuade your DD to agree to you privately mentioning this to the class teacher, so she can keep an eye on the situation and have a general, no names mentioned, no fingers pointed, chat to the class about name-calling.

anonymosity · 10/12/2010 16:05

PS
I was bullied differently at 12. I didn't let my mum talk to the school for about 6 months but when she finally did, the bullying pretty much stopped.

dexter73 · 10/12/2010 16:06

If it's not fat then it's ginger, smelly, small, dirty...
I'm not sure there is much you can do about it and I certainly wouldn't go the parents house!
If it keeps going on then have a word with her teacher without mentioning it to your dd if she doesn't want you to talk to her.

dingdongDandyLioness · 10/12/2010 16:07

erm, obviously that should be YANBU Blush

pilates · 10/12/2010 16:07

second that you speak to the teacher, it really is very nasty.

dingdongDandyLioness · 10/12/2010 16:09

TBH, if it was me and my 10yo DD still insisted she didn't want me to talk to the teacher, I would gently but firmly inform her that I was going to do so anyway, as being the adult with experience I felt that was the best route. I would stress the confidentiality aspect and that you want the teacher to deal with it generally - rather than targeting individuals - to begin with.

Also, I'd be practising with my daughter what she should do in response.

Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:11

dd1 just wanted to go home, which is fine for now, but i will be going in to talk about whats being said.

i am NOT going to go to the house, dont worry. i want to, but i'm not going to.

have told dd1 to ignore ignore ignore, as this girl obviously has a problem with her own self image to be making other girls feel horrible about themselves.

OP posts:
dingdongDandyLioness · 10/12/2010 16:13

I think your DD should be saying firmly: "^don't call me that, I don't like it and it's not true." And then she should walk away with her head held high.

Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:15

she is senstive, and would probably burst into tears if she tried to talk back. which then means they have won.

she held it together till half way home.

OP posts:
ShoppingDays · 10/12/2010 16:17

Agree with dingdongDandyLioness. Can your DD say "I'm not fat, I am a healthy weight for my height" or something that shows she knows she isn't fat? Also maybe she can say that some people in life are fat and so what?

SouthMum · 10/12/2010 16:17

Isn't this normal - kids being mean? Sticks and stones and all that?

Obviously if it goes further than name calling then Id say something but if its just "fattie" or whatever then she should just ignore. This is part of school life, next week it will be that another kid has buck teeth or something.....

Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:19

yeah southmum its 'normal' for kids to be mean to be each other, doesnt mean its right!Hmm
sticks and stone and all that is a load of rubbish. words hurt and cut deeply and lead to emotional stuff.

this one girl is being horrible to lots of girls, calling them fat, or taking he piss cos they were glasses, or have red hair.

she is an out n out bully.

OP posts:
sue52 · 10/12/2010 16:22

I would have a word with the class teacher. Anything that is said with an intention to cause hurt and distress is bullying and should be delt with.

panettoinydog · 10/12/2010 16:22

'fat' is one of the most common - I would say the most common - insults for girls. Anyone can be called fat regardless of size.

Boys are called 'gay'.

That's how it is.

You should just make sure your dc realise these are the first insults that come into silly people's heads and they should be ignored.

panettoinydog · 10/12/2010 16:23

sue, I would disagree that any insult is bullying.

Children learn silly insults from a very early age, usually beginning with poo-poo head or a variation thereof.

I don't think it's helpful at all to call silly insults bullying.

lickeyloo · 10/12/2010 16:24

Misdee,really I am interested in why you think it's best not to go round to the mothers house? You don't have to rant and rave but you could quietly draw it to her attention that her daughter may have been in a name calling incident. Who knows she may want to be made aware that it is her own daughter who has weight issues? I would be furious too btw

pantomimecow · 10/12/2010 16:24

I notice in your profile you make lots of reference to your children's weight ie what size clothes they are in v their age and also talk about the obese one.
Do you think you are creating an issue about weight for them?

SouthMum · 10/12/2010 16:26

calm down, didnt say it was right did I? just that it sounds like normal school life.

As I say this girl will prob move on to someone else soon when she doesnt get the reaction she wants.

Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:30

pantomine, those pics were from a thread on here years ago, about #obese babies'. dd2 was classed as obese by one doc because her weight was on the higher centiles. but at the time her height was also in proportion. it was a very very long time ago,.

the ones of the plus size clothes wa salso about a thread on here to do with the clothes in next, i was pointing out that the plus sizes for girls arent actually that big, and boys clothes are cut better for swome girls. i will change those titles on those pics as i forgot they were there.

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:42

my girls arent big. They all have different builds and shapes, but none are overweight, or have ever been.

I have had issues with my on weight in the past, and having been bullied as a child for being 'fat' (i wasnt), i grew up with low self esteem, and thought i was fat. thus began the cycle.

I dont want dd's to go through that. I dont want them to feel they are fat when they arent.

dd1 is small in height for her age (family trait), she is the smallest in her class. She is a fit active girl, who does dance and gym, and is IMo (biased obviosuly) a gorgeous girl.

i am very hormonal and emotional (2 bads night sleep wit sick dd's) and ready to give birth at any moment.

I am doing my best NOT to pass on issues to my dd's regarding weight. we have healthy meals, active lives and take care of ourselves. they know the importance of being healthy and looking after themslves as dh has had a heart transplant.

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 16:43

am now about to start crying myself so am going.

OP posts:
panettoinydog · 10/12/2010 16:48

don;t get upset, misdee. It is understandable that you are very senstitve to your dds being called 'fat'. But when kids use this word they are just trying to cause a little immediate hurt and irritation.

I do think it's helpful to see it in terms of a minor insult and not a personal comment oon weight.

Chandon · 10/12/2010 16:52

If she is not fat, it is a non issue and nothing to get upset about?!

If she feels that "fat" is the worse possible insult, where does she get that?

I think you are overreacting, and you will have to try to be calm for your DD. I imagine she may have picked up your reaction to this...

FWIW, my DS often gets called "weirdo" or "beanpole", but I tell him it doesn't mean anything really and that the boys are just being silly.

Original poster
misdee · 10/12/2010 17:05

have asked to be deleted as feeling pretty shitty over this

OP posts:
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