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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL behaviour

32 replies

mssoul · 09/12/2010 19:57

My MIL called me this evening when I was making tea - who does that to a working mother? So I was already grrr. She then demanded that she had my 2yo dd overnight tomorrow (Friday) as she hasn't seen her for ages. I said no, but actually Saturday would be convenient as older dd having sleepover Sat and bday party on Sun. She said it wasn't convenient as she had plans (to go car booty shopping) on Sunday very early.

I stood my ground despite her trying to guilt me into it as I have been working my arse off all week and have barely seen the wee one and will be tied up with party shenanigans (DD1 will be 13) for Sat eve and lots of Sun (cinema then out for tea). She hung up on me Shock.

I often give into her and find her difficult to manage and she drives my dp completely fucking mad too. He, by the way lost his job a few weeks ago and she knows how hard I am working to make ends meet so should know how much weekends mean - she doesn't offer at times that would actually help. Him too - he has taken a really shitty fast food delivery job and is pretty down Sad

AIBU to not bother phoning her to clear the air (I hate an atmosphere) and just to let her come crawling back to me...?

OP posts:
Feefsie · 09/12/2010 20:00

You are NOT being unreasonable.

Just let her stew for a bit!!

Then get your husband to sort her out - she's not your Mother.

Endeavour · 09/12/2010 20:04

Relax stand your ground. Unfortunately as wonderful as they are you sometimes have to forget the guilt they make you feel and believe that what you are doing and feeling is right as well .

Good luck, I am sure things will soon look up for your DH and you

Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 20:07

True - she is not my mother thank god! Would get dp to sort her out but he's busy delivering pizzas Grin

And thank you Endeavour Smile

OP posts:
mumbar · 09/12/2010 20:11

To be fair the staying the night is 6 of 1 and 1/2 dozen of the other. Saturday night not good for her due to car booty, good for you as your other DD is out too. Friday not good for you as you want to spend time with DD. TBH sounds like neither of you would compromise.

She became unreasonable when she 'stropped' and hung up on you. It would have been far better, and far more adult to rearrange for a different week.

YANBU to let her come to you. If shes that desperate to see DD she won't wait too long. Xmas Wink

Reality · 09/12/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

panettoinydog · 09/12/2010 20:13

I often end up feeling sorry for the mil but not in this case.

I'd leave her be. SOund s like you need to relax as much as you can and enjoy your wekends.

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2010 20:15

Don't phone her, she hung up on you. How rude.

Its not convenient, she should deal with it, especially if she is used to getting her way.

Let your DH deal with her at another time.

Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 20:19

Reality - do you not know when dinner time is? Grin And she's patently not trying to give me a break or she'd offer when I need a break surely?

And thank you Panettoinydog! I'm actually defrosting - she just drove me a bit crazy there with her timing n all...

Mumbar, I think you are correct - she and I will agree a convenient time later once I have had a large glass of pinot...

OP posts:
panettoinydog · 09/12/2010 20:20

My close family all know roughly when we have tea and don;t phone me (apart from mil sometimes Wink)

looneytune · 09/12/2010 20:22

YANBU! God, I'm so glad I don't have to worry about ever seeing my MIL again!!!

Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 20:22

Crazy Christmas Lady - quite! Grin

OP posts:
looneytune · 09/12/2010 20:24

Whatever you do though, DON'T phone her back! She DEMANDS to have your dd and clearly for her own sake and not to 'help' you like someone else said (believe me, I know the sort!) and she didn't get her own was so HUNG UP Shock No, she can come crawling back or dp can sort her but you need to stand up for yourself, she's clearly used to getting away with behaving like this! Angry

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2010 20:25

I get the tea time thing.

Drives me up the wall if the phone rings then, and it is usually some bloody company trying to sell me some shite I don't want.

Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 20:28

Looneytune you are lucky, although apart from trying to stick a bottle in ebf dd's mouth whenever i wasn't looking, phoning me at work to talk about Christmas shopping or any other mundane shite (once repeatedly calling so I had to leave a meeting as I thought there had been an accident and then not listening to me when I said I couldn't speak)etc etc etc etc etc etc, she's not too bad Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 20:29

And looneytune yes, I have 'boundary' issues. And not just with her. Thankfully dp escaped unscathed and is lovely.

OP posts:
curlymama · 09/12/2010 20:52

YANBU.

Let her make the first move. You (the Mother!) have more right to spend time with your dd than she will ever have.

I can't believe she would hang up on you for soemthing like that, couldn't she have asked about next Friday or Saturday.

2rebecca · 09/12/2010 20:57

I would never phone anyone back who hung up on me deliberately as a point of principle. They need to phone you and apologise first.

She suggested 1 night convenient for her at very short notice, you suggested another more convenient for you. Your behaviour was fine, hers wasn't. Why does she need your daughter overnight, why can't she just take her out for a walk in the snow or something?

Original poster
mssoul · 09/12/2010 21:05

You're right 2Rebecca and curlymama, I was actually gonna call her back but I will try not to Smile

OP posts:
Callisto · 09/12/2010 21:07

I'm amazed you're cross because someone phoned you were cooking. That's actually quite strange.

onceamai · 09/12/2010 21:18

I can see she irritated you but my mum didn't want to have a gc to stay until they were at least 5 and she was sure they wouldn't make a mess, wet the bed were manageable and compliant. Both sets of GPs lived 00's of miles away and we didn't have an overnight break for eight years!

SkyBluePearl · 09/12/2010 22:05

Must admit i don't answer the phone when i'm cooking/eating/doing bed time routine.

And yes she was rude to put down the phone. I wouldn't bother ringing her back either - she was acting rather badly and has no right to demand to have your child at last min.

narkypuffin · 09/12/2010 22:14

YANBU at all about her demanding your DD on a specific night. I would never dream of doing that to a working mother- the weekends are so important- and to demand a child overnight is OTT.

The interrupting tea thing might seem a bit of an over reaction but I know what you mean. When you've already done a full day and you're trying to get food on the table whilst running through the other 10 things you've got to do before you can sitdown an interuption is not welcome.

I also doubt that you would have gotten so annoyed if she hadn't said what she did.

narkypuffin · 09/12/2010 22:19

And kudos to your DP. To lose a job right before Christmas is horrible and it would have been easy to to let it drag him down. The fact that he's out there working, despite feeling low, shows a lot of determination and I'm sure that his attitude will get him something better in the near future Smile

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 09/12/2010 22:20

YANBU - but try not to answer the phone when you are in the middle of cooking. I never do. If it's something important/urgent, they'll ring back.

As she hung up on you, it's her move to apologise, not yours - do NOT phone her, she needs to apologise for rudeness and she needs to do that in her own time. You phoning before she is even remotely ready (and I'm assuming she would be, which is obviously NOT a given) would just irritate. Does that help to deter you from phoning her?

brass · 09/12/2010 22:52

she hung up on you so she is in the wrong (how immature?). Carry on with your plans.