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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make him see it through?

83 replies

pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:03

Long story but DH really really really upset me a couple of weeks back.

Complete abuse of trust, was going to leave, had big talks, working on it now etc etc etc

Posted in relationships about it.

I was all for ending it but I love him and he promised to now be "perfect" in his own words. He also said "and I will now do all night stuff with DS".

This swung it for me Grin

DD 2.10, DS 7 months, poor sleeper

I have DS all time and DD all but 2 days a week, I am on maternity leave. I find it hard work, especially with both of them

So AIBU to take DH up on his offer of doing all night stuff with DS?

2 weeks in he is complaining about it, about being tired and having work to go to etc and I am feeling a tad guilty but it was his idea and although he is forgiven, I am still unimpressed.

Another few weeks at least ........ ???

OP posts:
altinkum · 08/12/2010 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 14:07

Sorry but YABU. If dh goes out to work, and you don't, it should be you that does the night stuff. That's what maternity leave is for.

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:08

serindip how ridiculous!! my work is much easier than this

equal parternship, fair enough, hence feeling guilty

OP posts:
taintedsnow · 08/12/2010 14:08

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. I didn't see your original thread, but I think if you're giving things another shot, realistically you need to be on an even footing, and if you're holding him to ransom over this....

GandalfyCarawak · 08/12/2010 14:08

Don't know the other thread but are you using this to punish him for upsetting you?

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:09

mmmm annoyed enough to walk away but figure this way he is happy to see his children and I am being helped at night

not quite worked at it yet.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 08/12/2010 14:09

Hmm.

Nobody is going to be perfect. Ever.

It would be better if, rather than complaining, he asked you like an adult to rethink the night time arrangement. Could you perhaps coach him? Next time he moans about being tired, say to him 'Are you asking me if we can rethink the night time arrangements, because lack of sleep is making life really difficult for you?'

It would seem fairer to take alternate nights, or one takes Mon to Thurs or something. If he really is forgiven, then you both need to start working together again, perhaps?

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 14:10

What's ridiculous? That's why you're off work! So that you can do that sort of thing. If you were both off, you should take turns, but you're not. Why should he have to get up every night and then have to go to work as well? Hmm

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:11

not forgiven yet, really quite serious, but geninely hope can work through it.

alternate nights sounds good.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/12/2010 14:11

don't know the background so hard to say

how much night stuff is there ?

don't use it as a stick to beat him with but if he did offer then he did offer

what work does he do?will he be dangerous to himself or others if over tired?

maybe you need an end point for the night stuff?

if he's forgiven, maybe you need ot move forward and get back to how things were or take turns?

moid · 08/12/2010 14:11

Well I think sharing would be good, kids see you working together etc.. Maybe negotiate some Me time at the weekend, lie in, day off shopping or with friends for lunch etc...

Also my DH is a miserable sod if he doesn't sleep while I have the capacity to function on limited sleep. You are knackered as you will be for the next couple of years but it does pass and it sure is not enough to throw your marriage away on. Also your knackered is different than knackered and going to work, he is earning money, his employer does expect him to be functioning. Done both so I do know what I am talking about.

So a little unreasonable though I do see wehre you are coming from.

belgo · 08/12/2010 14:12

I'm surprised he's lasted two weeks.

If you are going to stay together in the long term, you need to start working together as a couple and allocate tasks in a fair way.

Lulumaam · 08/12/2010 14:12

you say

"2 weeks in he is complaining about it, about being tired and having work to go to etc and I am feeling a tad guilty but it was his idea and although he is forgiven"

then he's not forgiven..

which is it?

saffy85 · 08/12/2010 14:13

Think you are being a bit unfair by not taking it in turns tbh. I understand he should pull his weight more if he hasn't been doing much, but to make one person do all the night feeds/nappies/cuddles etc and have to function in a paid job is a bit much.

mumblechum · 08/12/2010 14:16

I agree with Saffy85.

Being groggy during the day and looking after kids is nowhere near as hard as being groggy and doing a normal job.

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:17

i am confused, he is not forgiven but i want to forgive him, sorry am contradicting myself

he has corporate job, meetings and typing

nights are 1 feed on good night or 2 on a bad one.

OP posts:
Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:18

i am on fully paid mat leave due v generous maternity provisions so am contributing 50% income

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 14:21

And pamelat, if your work is so much easier than being at home, why don't you go back to work and ask dh to stay at home?

saffy85 · 08/12/2010 14:24

You're still not having to go out to work and being expected to function properly though are you? You could grab a quick snooze while the DC are napping, I assume your DH can't do that. His boss will not make allowances for the fact that he's been up half the night with his DC. Aleast none of would.

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:24

because being paid ful pay to be at home so foolish to go back and lose money by icurring childcare chares, and better for my kids etc etc etc

OP posts:
saffy85 · 08/12/2010 14:25

mine would

Quenelle · 08/12/2010 14:25

YABABU and NU Let him do his share of the nights, you could take it in turns. But make sure it's for the right reasons. He should want to do his share, not just do it as some sort of penance.

And FWIW I work four full days a week and I find a day in the office after only a few hours' sleep easier than a day at home with a toddler.

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:26

my dd is 2.10 so does not nap

on 2 days just ds so could technically nap but chores etc etc. Oh and studying for MA.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/12/2010 14:27

Agree with quenelle.. also at 2.10, DS should be able to get through the night without a feed, maybe it is time to look at getting him off he bottle at night? or leave him a beaker of water if he's thirsty in the night..

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 14:27

I work full time, and have done since my youngest was a year old. But while I was on mat leave, I wouldn't have dreamt of asking exh to get up every night for the feeds! That's your JOB while you're off. Sharing once in a while is different, but I personally think you're taking the piss.

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