to make him see it through?

[pamelat]

Long story but DH really really really upset me a couple of weeks back.

Complete abuse of trust, was going to leave, had big talks, working on it now etc etc etc

Posted in relationships about it.

I was all for ending it but I love him and he promised to now be "perfect" in his own words. He also said "and I will now do all night stuff with DS".

This swung it for me

DD 2.10, DS 7 months, poor sleeper

I have DS all time and DD all but 2 days a week, I am on maternity leave. I find it hard work, especially with both of them

So AIBU to take DH up on his offer of doing all night stuff with DS?

2 weeks in he is complaining about it, about being tired and having work to go to etc and I am feeling a tad guilty but it was his idea and although he is forgiven, I am still unimpressed.

Another few weeks at least ........ ???

TBH, if what you really want is your self esteem back and part of that is time to exercise, I'd offer him a trade off: you take over half the nights again, but he stays in with the kids those evenings so that you can GO OUT to the gym, night class or a good film with a friend.

SOrry. I love who I thought he was. Now feel I dont know him

I'm just a bit worried that you're using your baby and that if you're not careful this could backfire and he will begin to resent DS(?) for getting him up again in the night.

If you want to punish him, fine, but please find something that doesn't put your children in the middle of it, whatever he's offered.

sandstorm, that sounds very sensible, thank you. Makes sense to me but at the same time I feel so cold towards him that its very selfish but keep thinking what benefits he can offer me, and thats the biggest one.

pamelat - I can't believe you had a thread about this and no-one else said they'd been in the same position as you. You are not alone, not by any stretch of the imagination.

You say if you didn't have kids you would have left him and that you feel trapped. You say you will get over it long term.

I think you really, really need to have a good think about 'Life' and what you want from it. You can't stay 'for the kids', you have to be happy for 'you', you have to want the relationship for 'you' - you can't 'settle' because you have kids - it wont be a happy household and they wont thank you for it as adults.

I have sort of been where you are at with an ex, but we didn't have children. It was fucking shit and it makes you feel utterly, utterly crap and worthless... it is not a small thing x

Not sure I could cope emotionally with 2 young children. Not sure I would cope financially. Not sure I would cope practically

I love/loved him but just want this to have not happened and nothing can make that be.

Sometimes I feel I am being meladramatic about it, other times I feel I have been naive/overly reasonable about the whole episode.

It has made part of me hate him and made all of me disrespectful of him

He tells me this will pass and that until that time he will be perfect, and that in time (like grief I guess) we'll be normal again.

I alternate between wanting him to find me attractive and be with him and then feeling so cold towards him that I fear I'll never be able to have sex with him again.

And then I wonder am I a drama queen? But one who is getting a bt more sleep than she normally would.

Also, after only 2 weeks, I resent how he expects normality.

I passed an exam yeterday with very high (unexpectedly) score and he emailed "well done" but no card/no flowers and worse, no mention of it when he got home.

But then again we are a busy couple with small children as our priority

Its all shit isnt it

He just thinks I am hormonal

To be fair, had seen GP beforehand re PND but he said not depressed, "just anxious" and that it was "normal considering 2 little ones"!!

If I wasnt anxious before, I certainly am now.

he has a history of porn/escorts etc?

why are you still with him?

sorry to be blunt.. but oyu;ve had recurring problems and he's paid lip service to getting things back on track and now he's had enough of being 'perfect' and wants you to pick up the slack?

what is he doing to prove his love/respect for you?

Only history of porn/sex lines, all promised to have stopped.

But then this ...

Also once lied to me for a long time re giving up smoking. I challenged him last night re being compulsive liar but he says not everyone can live by my standards (he only means re smoking/wine etc)

I think I do try to hard to be "mummy" and to be healthy/moderate/mummsy etc. I dont know. I guess its a stage of life.

Anyway he wants to be "perfect husband and dad" now and only way he felt he could do this/show this was to offer to do night feeds. We did talk for many many hours and he did cry (a lot) and said loved me and was just small smutty bit of his life (the porn) and unimportant in general scheme of things (for him)

I believe he loves me because of how upset he was and how much he begged me to give him one last chance. Although part of me fears its because of the children. However, he promises its not just them.

I do love him, or at least who I thought he was. We have been together just over 10 years now so its a huge chunk of my life. I am just scared that in another 10, with the chidlren grown, I will find out all sorts of little secrets and find myself angry/upset that I didnt act now

To leave someone, especially with children in tow, is a huge huge thing. If he had been to see the escort (looked togethr through all phone and bank bills to prove not) I would genuinely have the strength to leave him

I am very scared that he actively looked up local escorts but having since gone over all the porn history they do just flash up as a pop up to click on. I guess thats not as bad, oh who am I trying to convince.

Pamelat :( It is all pretty shitty isn't it (HUG) It's easy to say 'leave him' when it's not you in the middle of it all. When you are in the middle of it all you just want it to be 'better' and as you say, not to have happened.

It is easy to say 'It's just porn/escort address' it doesn't mean anything... but it does, because it cuts you to the core, because it hurts that someone you love can treat you like shit.

He has a fucking nerve to say anything about you being 'hormonal'. DS is 7 months, you aren't getting any sleep, he's off contacting escorts....of course you are fucking hormonal - it doesn't mean he's not in the wrong or that he shouldn't be doing anything and everything he can to make you feel better about the situation.

It's not about the escorts address - it's the fact that he had let you do all of the nights, has let you get into a state where you are absolutely knackered and done nothing to help. Then because you are too tired to 'put out' he's gone looking for it elsewhere.

The more you say the more angry I am getting on your behalf.

You are coping with all of this and you did excellently in your exam and all he manages is a 'congratulations' over the phone? Useless fucking idiot.

(CONGRATULATIONS!!! by the way x :) )

You need to make him see that this isn't just 'having an address' in his phone.

Thank you. In his defence, though, he didnt contact her, but just mapped her website in his phone. Not really a "just" is it but claims out of curiousity/interest.

Knew this would re-open wounds

I do agree with chipping, excellent post

it is about what was going through his head/being ignored when he clicked the link

when he lied about the smoking

etc etc

aiming for perfect is unachiveable,

aiming for mutual love , repsect and teamwork is a better goal

it has to cut bth ways

he is putting you in your place.. you're the silly anxious hormonal wife , it's just an address, for gods sake...

horrible

He says in cold light of day he can totally see what "It must look like" and claims now to completely understand, if be a bit shocked initially, about how upset I am/was about it.

I just feel he expects normality very quickly after.

I guess the only reason why I have let him do all feeds for 2 weeks is because part of me (tiny tiny bit) hates him, but hopefully that will pass.

Everyone has 'history' and that history shapes us into who we are, it also forms the basis of our opinions, thoughts and advice.

It all sounds really awful to me and so so familiar - I walked, but we'd only been together a year and we didn't have children. Two big differences.

He sounds like a compulsive liar who blames your 'high' standards for his lying. Who will promise you the earth but deliver you soil.

I would rather be on my own with two kids than be with someone like that. I agree, you could look back in 10 years time and think 'why didn't I leave then'.

Only you can make the decision whether to stay or whether to leave - but consider this, there is a lot of support out there for single Mums, many of them go on to have wonderful relationships with other people and are very, very happy to have left poor partners. All I am saying is stay if you feel you can be happy with him - if not, don't be trapped into staying, you do have the choice. You would cope.

pamelat - I know this is 'opening wounds' but to be honest - they are full of puss inside and need re-opening if they are going to heal nicely x

I know he 'only' had her address and didn't go and see her (well as far as you can ascertain anyway) and I know in the past I have done similar things (just to see), it needn't be anything more than 'curiosity' - but I never hid it from my partner (it's a long story and not as interesting as it sounds! LOL and started off from some shitty email we were sent). But the point I am trying to make (clearly not that well!) is that you are hurt and he has paid lipservice to that, but nothing more.

Lulu has summed it up nicely.

I guess you have to decide if he is 'innocent' and it was just random curiosity or whether you think there was/is more to it.

I feel that if everything else in your relationship was good, you'd be thinking differently, but he seems to lie a lot and hide behind it being your fault.

getting back to normlaity very quickly is better for him as he can carry on pretending it;'s no big deal and it is the silly hormonal wife making it a far bigger deal than it really is..

if this was the first time, i'd say something diffrent, but it's not

i can totally understand you want to punish him, but ultimately it is destructive

have you tried relate>

Ah... I see things much better now.

I'm sorry you've been through this. I can feel your hurt and confusion in your posts, and understand why you're having such a shitty time, and also why you want to punish him - I would be exactly the same. I have no issue with the porn, but the nearly escort visit would have made me both heartbroken and very angry.

I think it's going to be difficult for you to get over this, I can see how you're over-analysing everything madly, again something I would do.

I'm so sorry you're hurt.

Thank you. I have 98%ish decided it was 'innocent' random curiousity but that curiousity alone is hard for me to deal with, would it be for you?

I dont have any trust at all in him not looking at porn, to the extent, that I am even ok with that now (compared to everything else).

Everyone makes mistakes but he has made several, none quite as bad as this.

On paper, or advising a friend, I would say leave him. But again, as you say, its harder and more complex than that. children to consider and him to consider as it would kill him to be away from them (he has said that) and all sorts of people to consider. Also I do mainly believe curiousity and is that really something enough to break up a marriage and parenthood? Its not quite enough for me (but very almost) and instead I just feel angry and sad.

serendip also thank you

We talked about relate a few weeks back but really would it help???? Feels like it would be very embarassing and not achieve a lot?

Pamelat - innocent random curiosity from a very loving, caring, wonderful DH with no history of lying and being deceitful - no, from someone with a history of bending the truth and making promises re not looking at porn - yes it would bother me.

You aren't happy with him looking at porn, but you are 'letting it go', not because you don't see it as a problem, but because you can't trust him not to - that's not right.

The only person to consider here is you. I don't give a flying fuck how he feels - he hasn't been the most loving caring partner. He should have thought about how he would feel before doing lots of things he knows would hurt you. The kids wont be happy if you are miserable, so by doing what makes you happy - they will be better off.... there is no-one else to consider - this is your life not theirs.

Relate - I don't know. I think at the very least though, it can't hurt.

ChippingIn speaks a lot of sense. You are considering him in all of this (natural, I know), when he really hasn't done that for you at ALL.

Time to think of yourself now for a bit. He already betrayed your trust, and then went and did again. Not impressed.

He is loving and caring apart from all of this, and now says "this" wont happen.

But last night in response to something else (re wine) he said I was stripping all pleasure from his life, which I cant help but also apply to "this"

I think he (men?) have the ability to separate porn from their private lives. Like he is a different person then?

He is now cross/miffed because I am upset again.

and now says it was "just a bit of internetting" so full on row again now.

he needs to man up and accept you are upset because he was an arse.

it is because he behaved (again) very badly

you are stripping the pleasure from his life..? by not allowing him to watch porn/see escrots/ making him get up with the baby so you can rest?

nice to see his priorities are in order.