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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make him see it through?

83 replies

pamelat · 08/12/2010 14:03

Long story but DH really really really upset me a couple of weeks back.

Complete abuse of trust, was going to leave, had big talks, working on it now etc etc etc

Posted in relationships about it.

I was all for ending it but I love him and he promised to now be "perfect" in his own words. He also said "and I will now do all night stuff with DS".

This swung it for me Grin

DD 2.10, DS 7 months, poor sleeper

I have DS all time and DD all but 2 days a week, I am on maternity leave. I find it hard work, especially with both of them

So AIBU to take DH up on his offer of doing all night stuff with DS?

2 weeks in he is complaining about it, about being tired and having work to go to etc and I am feeling a tad guilty but it was his idea and although he is forgiven, I am still unimpressed.

Another few weeks at least ........ ???

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verytellytubby · 08/12/2010 14:29

I think it's an unfair deal. I used to do all week nights when I was maternity leave as DH had a very demanding job with long hours whereas I could veg about at home. He was always good and would do weekend nights and we used to share lie-ins on Saturday/Sunday.

Ormirian · 08/12/2010 14:31

Yes yabu. I totally agree it should be shared and not just your problem but he shouldn't be doing it all.

saffy85 · 08/12/2010 14:32

Agree with seren. You are on maternity leave so should be doing the bulk of work at home ie, getting up in the night.

You want to sort out your issues with your DH? You're going the wrong way about it as the longer you keep punishing him, the more resentment will bubble over.

BubsMaw · 08/12/2010 14:45

Haven't read whole thread, but I agree being at work is way easier than looking after 2 DC. Of course other people's experiences may be different, it would depend on the temperament of the DC as well as the type of work. I'm a working mum, working at professional level so I have responsibility and decisions to make, I often work late into the night and at weekends to make up time. I also have DC who sleep badly, DD didn't sleep through until she was over 3yo (she still wakes usually twice per night and is nearly 5yo). DS co-sleeps and BFs perhaps 2 - 4 times per night on top of this. My DH, who also works, helps at night, thank god, or else I wouldn't have coped. He also helped while I was on mat leave. Getting back to work was really healing for me, after 2 yrs of being full time mum, I could finally sit down in peace, with a coffee, and get on with some interesting things.

It does sound that you're not really working as a team on this though, but at least your DH will have a better understanding of what it is you do at nights.

Good luck with everything!

FindingAManger · 08/12/2010 15:04

Serendip what you are saying re maternity leave is bonkers.

Whilst I would never expect DP to do ALL the nights while working full time, neither would he expect me to do ALL the nights just because I was on maternity leave. What I'm doing during the day with a young baby is FULL TIME work too.

EcoLady · 08/12/2010 15:18

When our DCs were tiny & I was on Mat leave, we had a deal that DH would do night nappies before 4am, but after 4am it was down to me as I could nap in the day.

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 15:19

I didn't say ALL the nights. I said that sharing was acceptable now and again. I think that the stuff should be shared at weekends, and take turns with lie-ins and such. But whoever is at home with the dc, be it the mother or the father, should be doing the lions share of the night stuff, it's only fair, surely?

I'm fully aware that all day and night with a young baby is really, really hard - I've done it twice - and going out to work is much easier.

mjinsparklystockings · 08/12/2010 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Onetoomanycornettos · 08/12/2010 15:37

I don't find driving for two hours a day commute plus working in an intellectually demanding job easier than staying home with a baby and a toddler, and I've done both! As others have said, you can have an off day at home, have a nap (I got my children to nap together for a couple of hours a day and I used to lie down then) or have a lazy day and not even go out if you don't feel like it. Plus if you feel crap, you are not endangering anyone on the roads, nor do you have to string coherent sentences together in a meeting or come up with original ideas. It is tiring staying home, but you will not get sacked or have a warning for being under par. So, I think you are being unreasonable expecting him to work full-time and do all the nights and can only think it is some type of punishment. If my husband insisted I do this, I would go bonkers, literally, within a few days, I cannot work and be up all night, and so that's why mine just had to sleep through bar the odd illness or problem.

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:13

I think most of you are missing the point, he offered this as a carrot to appease me over his big f up

I'm not too bothered who gets up when and is normally only once a night (and its the 7 month old waking, not the 2.10 Smile) its more that his "carrot" is being rapidly withdrawn despite fore mention huge f up after just 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:14

I wanted him to move out and he really really wants to stay so sid he would do all night stuff, we separate rooms at mo etc etc

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Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:15

He hardly sees the children as home 630pm ish and they go to bed 645pm (youngest) and 7pm (2.10)

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Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:15

ps) if i had a day in all day with the chlidren I would probably go insane

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Ormirian · 08/12/2010 17:17

Ah! So it is punishment then. How knackered do you want him to be? SO knackered he crashes his car on the way to work, falls asleep in a meeting, makes stupid mistakes?

Now you need to come to a balanced compromise.

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2010 17:20

I disagree that the person at home should always be the one up in the night...if they could chill out, sleep and do nothing all day then yes...but as anyone with a very young child or two in the house knows this isn't the case! DD is 4 months and not bad on the whole, but every now and then we have a sleepless night. Most of the time I will deal with it, but sometimes I need DH to step in and take over. I am awake before he is, and going to sleep after he does. Would it be fair that I exist on 4 hours a night indefinitely while he has 8 every night?

But all on one person, regardless of which is not fair. Tell him you appreciate his making the effort so far, and from now on in you will take it in turns or something.

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/12/2010 17:21

I don't really understand what's behind all this, tbh. Whatever he did... was it a case of - you can stay, but only if you do this, this and this?

I'm genuinely interested, btw.

ChippingIn · 08/12/2010 17:25

What did he do?

I know I could do an advance search and read the whole thread, but tbh I can't be bothered. Can we have the 'short story'?

However, for starters...

  1. He offered this to you to convince you of his future 'best behaviour' - 2 weeks is nothing. If he really can't cope, he should be talking to you and not stropping.
  1. You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him or not - having someone do 'nights' should not be the deciding factor.
Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:26

I cant get in to it again as finally started to believe him and cant reopen the wound but if you look at my post in relationships from 2 weeks ago.

Maybe I am naive

Oh yes definately punishment. Dont think he will crash on 20 min commute with 6 or 7 hours sleep, he sleeps 10-2 up 20 mins and then until 7 usually, just not used to it.

Last night he had 11-2 (3 hours) 3-6 (3 hours) and then a snooze from 630-730 so its not awful awful. Not like the newborn days when I was feeding DS

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Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 17:28

ok makes me feel sick but here goes

he had local escort mapped in to his iphone

after hours and hours of crying/talking I believe the best case scenario which is looking at porn, clicked local link, out of "pure interest" clicked where she was (and address never actually worked anyway but general area) and website automatically mapped to phone.

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ChippingIn · 08/12/2010 17:43

Right - so did any of that have anything to do with the fact that you are bloody knackered (getting up to the kids all the time) while he is bursting with energy, getting a good nights sleep every night?

Have you any issue with him looking at porn in the first place?

It will not kill him to do the night shift, plenty of working mums and especially single working mums/dads do it and live through it.

However, I think you need to decide 'where to' from here. You can't keep punishing him or you wont get past it. Have you looked at why he did what he did? Do you want to be with him?

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 18:09

We had a no porn rule after an incident a few years back but to be honest I can now live with that but not escort sites etc etc

Yep had lots to do with me being knackered Smile

Also have a stone of baby weight to lose so feel very body conscious. In this last 2 weeks been back to gym at night etc, not been able to do that when up in night etc etc etc.

Felt had becoming boring frumpy SAHM

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saffy85 · 08/12/2010 18:12

I can see why you're upset- I was devestated when my DP did something similar. I spent months passive agressively punishing him made me feel no better at all.

He owes you big time but doing the night shift for a few weeks isnt gonna make the issues you have go away. You have to talk about it, because no matter what way he makes it up to you it'll still be there bugging you. Hope you work through it whatever happens Smile

Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 18:17

Dont mean all SAHM's boring (obviously!!) just felt I was/am.

If we didnt have children I would probably have left him but feel quite trapped. He says cant explain why did it.

Long term I'll get over it

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Original poster
pamelat · 08/12/2010 18:19

saffy how did you work through it? do you feel fine about it now? how long ago? Sorry, its just you the only person I "know" to have been through similar

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ChippingIn · 08/12/2010 18:19

There is a difference between 'commercial porn' (not getting into any feminism/porn debates) and escort/local readers wives type stuff. I hope he now understands your stance on it.

I would carry on as you are for a little while - get the gym routine going and him feeling a bit knackered then towards Christmas when he is moaning again, say what Maktaitai said 'Are you asking me if we can rethink the night time arrangements, because lack of sleep is making life really difficult for you? and discuss the fact that this is how you felt as well and therefor you need 'A Plan' that works for both of you.

However, I have now asked you about 3-4 times if you love him/want to be with him and you haven't answered (fair enough!!) so I think this is something you really, really need to have a good think about.

If you do, then you need to start afresh in the New Year - clean slate, both working towards the relationship you want.

If not, then you need to decide what to do about it.