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Original poster

To be sick of my 20 year old?

78 replies

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 19:21

My DS1 has just turned 20, he went off to Uni last Sept. He is 7 hours away by coach, 5 by train. He has been back 4 times and always overstays by about a week.

He is in trouble at Uni about his attendance and just wont comply with anything anyone says. For instance, before I went to work this am his (unemployed) mate came round (I was still in my nightie) when I came back they were still there.

DS1 playacts a lot and pretends I am being mean when we have people round. He got up and pretended to act scared when I got home from work.

He said, "what haven't I done?". I said "no idea". Went into the kitchen and emptied the bin, emptied the d/w, cleared up their plates from their day in front of the telly.

I said "how was your day, what have you been up to?" knowing they had done fuck all.

He just annoys me, there is a lot of play-acting and he is refusing to wash cos he "doesnt like" our shower. I am ignoring that too.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 07/12/2010 19:23

You need to speak to his tutor so they at least know where he is. Is he buyign food while he's there? Presumably he is still paying rent on his student place while he is visiting, I would say if he plans staying so long at yours (four times since September????) you expect rent too. He sounds depressed tbh but he is doing nothing productive to help himself. It's like he's literally running away from his problems at uni, whatever they may be.

hairyfairylights · 07/12/2010 19:26

I think you need to toughen up. Why on earth are you still clearing up after a twenty year old Confused.

Does he have any boundaries set - presumably you are supporting him ... what is his end of the deal? how do you enforce rules with him?

taintedsnow · 07/12/2010 19:30

Could he be depressed?

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 07/12/2010 19:31

Was he like this before uni?

The main reason for dropping out is not fitting in- alot of the time it is solved by moving to different digs

lilyliz · 07/12/2010 19:37

he could be depressed then again he could just be attention seeking,I have a bro who used to play these tricks to get attention from mum,sad really but the one that sticks in my mind was when mum walked in the room he put his arms to his head and said I was going to hit him,he is nine yurs older than me but I got a rollicking from mum.Not a happy ending because now none of the family speaks to him.Confused

Animation · 07/12/2010 19:44

Aw - poor lad - he's not happy is he. Maybe Uni's not for him and he needs to rethink it all.

TrillianAstra · 07/12/2010 19:45

"refusing to wash cos he "doesnt like" our shower."

Yuck!

He's either a minging lazy fucker or he is depressed and needs some professional help. Not taking care of yourself can be a sign of depression.

How has he been at uni at all if he's been at yours 4 times since September?

webwiz · 07/12/2010 19:55

I presume he hasn't got a lot of term left till Christmas now but I think its time for a frank talk either he stays at university properly or he leaves and gets a job. If DD1 kept coming home for long stays I think I would march her straight back to the station the moment she arrived on the doorstep.

Suncottage · 07/12/2010 19:55

Turn the heating off during the day and put all the duvets in to be 'drycleaned'.

Remove and hide batteries for the tv, dvd etc and hide the power source for laptops. Take the phone to work with you, make him use and PAY for his mobile if he wants to make calls.

Do NOT go shopping for food, leave the fridge empty except for ingredients that need 'proper' cooking like dried lentils and flour etc.

Use him as a free housesitter - get all those jobs done and make him deal with it - anything from the window cleaner coming round to collecting parcels, sending parcels.

Also ask him if he is happy with his course.

If not seek any alternative other than living with you for free. Real life is not that easy.

Make University seem like an easy option

cumfy · 07/12/2010 20:15

Was he really keen to do the course ?

Original poster
JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:18

He is depressed, he is on citalopram, but I think he is using it as an excuse tbh.

I have said - "look, if you want to be a scuba instructor in Spain that's cool with me, just try to be happy at something".

I am sick of the play acting. Obviously I am cross when I come in from work (I only work school hours - so no big deal) and the bin is overflowing, all the food is eaten and his mates are doing xbox on our downstairs TV.

My natural reaction is to say "WTF, u f a*, clear up"! but now I say, "bit messy, could you clear up a little?" Cos he has his mates as an audience to how "crazy" mum is.

OP posts:
classydiva · 07/12/2010 20:19

He overstays! Charming thing to say about your son.

Mine is 22, in his fourth and final year.

He doesnt go to any lectures, he pays 4 people a tenner for the year to give him a copy of their notes.

Kids dont have to go to lectures they just have to get the work in on time.

Give him a break for gods sake, its his life not yours.

Oh and my son has a first! This year he has so far done nothing, he will work head down in the library for two months for 16 hours a day to get his work in. Thats his choice, but then again he does already have a job to go to.

Danthe4th · 07/12/2010 20:19

Sounds like he needs to get a job and grow up.

activate · 07/12/2010 20:19

Why are you treating him like a baby?

classydiva · 07/12/2010 20:20

PS. Considering your opinion and the way you talk about him Im surprised he comes home at all.

When he does come home you should pamper him and he should be able to be lazy.

kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:20

suggest he leave college if he hates it so much & can live with you IF HE GETS A JOB - will scare him back there pdq

Kewcumber · 07/12/2010 20:22

Classydiva - your DS has a big shock coming when he starts work.

Kewcumber · 07/12/2010 20:23

"When he does come home you should pamper him" Shock

I thought my mum pampered me by doing my washing! I would have thought she;d taken leave of her senses if you'd waited on me hand and foot whilst I ate all her food and left rubbish lying around and didn;t wash whilst I was home.

scouserabroad · 07/12/2010 20:26

If he has a problem with his course then he may still be able to change courses - I swapped courses after the first semester at uni. It meant a lot of extra work to catch up, but it was possible. Maybe he could talk to his tutors now and use the Christmas holidays to think about what to do? If he doesn't like his course for whatever reason then it's good to find out now, rather than wasting a whole year or more.

webwiz · 07/12/2010 20:31

Classy Diva what planet are you living on? Of course he's overstaying, its term time and he should be at university not at home and why should he be pampered he's only been at studying Hmm

Original poster
JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:31

I dont think I am saying mean things about him - I love him - he just bugs me.

OP posts:
kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:31

classydiva: your son is scary - what course is he doing that he can do a job when he hasn't learnt anything? let's hope he's not a brain surgeon! or is it in daddy's firm?

i feel really sad for all those graduates who have worked hard & still can't get a job.

Original poster
JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:33

I am saying he overstays because he is already in trouble about attendance.

OP posts:
kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:35

jj17: you could try being REALLY REALLY NICE - try to out out with him & his friends, sit talking animatedly through his tv shows, tidy his stuff REALLY WELL so he can't find it

REVENGE - ha ha ha

Original poster
JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:36

I did pamper him the first time he came home, made roast dinners etc. Did laundry, took him to lunch.

But this is the 4th time.

He wants to be at Uni.

OP posts:
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