To be sick of my 20 year old?

[JJ17]

My DS1 has just turned 20, he went off to Uni last Sept. He is 7 hours away by coach, 5 by train. He has been back 4 times and always overstays by about a week.

He is in trouble at Uni about his attendance and just wont comply with anything anyone says. For instance, before I went to work this am his (unemployed) mate came round (I was still in my nightie) when I came back they were still there.

DS1 playacts a lot and pretends I am being mean when we have people round. He got up and pretended to act scared when I got home from work.

He said, "what haven't I done?". I said "no idea". Went into the kitchen and emptied the bin, emptied the d/w, cleared up their plates from their day in front of the telly.

I said "how was your day, what have you been up to?" knowing they had done fuck all.

He just annoys me, there is a lot of play-acting and he is refusing to wash cos he "doesnt like" our shower. I am ignoring that too.

Is he on the appropriate dose?

A change like leaving home/going to university is a stress. Might he need a higher dosage for a bit?

JJ, your son NEEDS to talk to his tutors, tomorrow, properly.

You can't do it -- he's an adult and he needs to be the one. But he's got to find out what effect his attendance is having on his degree.

Pace ClassyDiva, most courses do have attendance policies. I know a whole lot of my first-years are about to get Nasty Letters threatening them with immediate expulsion because they do precisely what your son is doing. Your son is wasting his time, your time, and your money (I presume).

This may be because he is depressed; one thing that never fails to amaze me is how many of my students have serious, totally legitimate issues and dramas going on in their lives. But it doesn't change the fact that he risks messing up his degree for good right at the start. I think you need to stand over him on the phone whilst he rings up his tutor and explains; then get him onto Student Counselling as others have advised; then bar his bleedin' friends from the house...!

He may have had hood reason for not carrying on with counseling. There are good and bad counsellors out there - I had one (from the university service) who was awful. Can you ask him why he stopped?

Agree he must talk to his tutor. Even if (unlikely) they haven't yet got worried by the absences, he cannot be getting a proper experience like this. Is he in fact afraid of getting kicked out if he admits his problems?

5 hours by train is an awfully long way away for a young person with history of depression to move.
Would he not be better looking for a uni closer to home and his support network?
My DD is a similar distance away in her first term too and the cost to make that number of visits would be prohibitive to her.
I'd be tempted to get involved, call the uni, tell them of your concerns and work with them to get it sorted.
It's all vey well saying your son is an adult and should pull himself together but it sounds as if he isn't yet and he's struggling.

Is he actually taking the medication that he is prescribed?

Agree he should talk to the uni and explain that he is suffering from depression - otherwise they will kick him out sooner rather than later.

Could he re-apply for next year for a local uni so he can stay at home as it sounds like that might work better for him?

He also needs to access counselling either through uni or the GP.

Is his degree course the right choice for him or is it something that he just kind of "fell into". Is there something else that he could do that he would feel more passionate about?

Best to srt these things asap as I doubt they will go away on their own and may become worse.

You need help too - can you explain to your son how you feel about the way he acts up and that it upsets you?

whatdo - don't you think calling the uni would be an invasion of his privacy? Seems v. inappropriate to me (plus, universities usually discourage it ime).

I doubt anyone at the university would talk to a parent about one of their students, it's not like calling the school - university students are adults and their progress and problems will be confidential. Think about it, how would you like one of your relative to be able to ring up your workplace without your permission or knowledge and 'get involved' in sorting out your 'issues'.

OP I think you need to set some ground rules for him if he's going to continue staying at your house - he needs to realise he's a guest in your home now that he's an adult, and has to behave well if he's going to be allowed to come back.

Are you paying for him to attend university? If so I think you also need to make it clear that your financial support is dependent on him being willing and able to do what he's supposed to be doing. I understand about depression (suffered from this myself as a student and I know it can really mess things up) but if he's genuinely unable to attend and study due to health problems, it's his responsibility to go to the doctor, and to inform the university. If he's got a letter from the doctor they will definitely take it into account and might be able to waive some requirements to let him pass the year, or even let him drop out temporarily on medical grounds and retake the year.

This is all his responsibility though, you just need to make clear where the boundaries of your support lie, and let him decide what he wants to do about it. I think you'd do him more favours that way than by treating him like a big child. Do you still want him behaving like a teenager and using your house as a hotel when he's 40?

OP, Ephiny and others are right. I get parents of first-years ringing me up regularly, and whilst I sometimes feel like a right jobsworth, the fact is that I can't discuss students' problems with parents. There are (genuine) issues of confidetiality.

IME it is a big warning sign when parents ring; either they are seriously controlling, or they are badly out of touch with their DCs (I always want to ask, 'Why are you phoning me and not them??').

Most unis will be very supportive if your son has medically diagnosed depression. He should not worry about sharing this info. But if he doesn't, there is a good chance he will get kicked out. Bear in mind he could also transfer at the end of his first year to a local uni, BUT only if he has decent marks - might that be an incentive?

Doesn't share it, that is, not doesn't have it...

I would also say, my tutor did contact my parents when I was depressed at uni, and it is absolutely the wrong thing to do. You'll make him feel you don't trust him in an adult environment and he'll only be more likely to keep coming home, if he think he's being treated as a child.

I agree - he needs to ring his tutor or year tutor as soon as possible.
I am a year tutor - I deal with this situation all the time, and there are things that I can do to help. For a start off I can be their advocate in exam boards when it is a question of arguing for them to get another assessment opportunity.
But I can't do anything for the students that do not contact me. All I can do is send nasty letters about attendance. I can not argue for deferrals if they have not been in contact with me.
Another point is that at some universities (ie my DH's) attendance at lectures is a requirement before students are allowed to even sit exams or submit assignments. Without a class certificate they are not allowed to be assessed at all.
Get him to ring someone up as soon as possible.

I am also behind getting him to speak frankly with his personal tutor. This person can help him access counselling or even institute a 'Fitness to study' assessment, so that it takes account of the fact that he is depressed, but in a way that if he is not able to study, he will not continue to be registered and get nasty emails etc about attendance.

ClassyDiva, wow, your child must go to the only university in the country which now hasn't instituted attendance requirements! One reason they have been instituted is the immigration regulations have been tightened to root out bogus students, another is to ensure that students actually receive their paid for contact hours. I'm afraid that I used to do what your son did, and not attend lectures but study hard at home, it worked for me, but it's not an option now, and it seems unlikely that an unmotivated struggling student with depression could just cram for a few hours and get a first. Your experience is irrelevant to this situation.

Sometimes medication for depression doesn't help. I took prozac for 18 months when I was 19/20 while I was at uni after my dad, my favourite aunt and two close friends all died in quick succession and I admittedly fell apart.

But honestly the meds made me worse. I slept all the time, hallucinated a lot and got into slobby, disgusting ways. I turned into a zombie.

It was only when I weaned myself off my medication that I picked myself up and got moving again. I got my degree and I held down a decent job for 4 years before meeting DH and marrying him and becoming a housewife - something I unfashionably always wanted.

At 20 though DS is too old to be treated as a needy baby, and honestly needs a bit of kick in the bum. He needs to learn that he needs to sort himself out. If his mummy always deals with his issues he will never learn... and he needs to take on board that his current behavior is not good enough.

Was basing comment on experience with friend's DS who had a chronic condition, was struggling at uni but refused to tell anyone about it. Mother contacted uni who, being in possession of initial facts, was able to ask the right questions and with the student (not the parent) work to resolve it.
Uni can't discuss with parents but surely parents can alert uni to situation so they know there is a bigger issue in the backgound. Surely there is big difference between this and phoning the uni all the time to talk about little Johnnie's overdue coursework? FWIW I have had no contact at all with DD's uni and if there was a problem I would expect to talk through with her first and help/encourage her to resolve it. Contacting uni would be very much a last resort.

I accept the confidentiality issue but there are ways round this if you want to kick start him getting help.Had similar but different with elderly father who would not consult doctor for serious health issues. Doctor could not discuss with me and I respected that. I could and did give doctor the information to ask my father about during consultations -which lead to him getting the treatment he needed.

I wouldn't put up with this from my 14 year old.

He's a man - why is he hanging around at your place if he's left home to go to uni? He needs a job.

By 20, my parents had been working long hours for 5 years and by 20 I had been working full time for 4 years, had left home and was totally independant (my parents left me to go abroad).

I'm sorry to hear he's suffering from depression but maybe the reason is that he doesn't have any purpose in his daily life.

All the "pretending to act scared" would drive me mad I'm afraid. It's manipulative. Especially so when coupled with the inviting friends round, making a mess, refusing to wash etc.

Your home life is being badly affected by your 20 year old son's behaviour OP.

He needs to either go to university, knuckle down and do his best to pass his exams or leave and get a job. If he is depressed, he needs to get medical advice about that and act accordingly.

Agree with Oopsadaisy. He may feel depressed because he is not using his time well.

I have a son of a similar age. Don't feel guilty about being forthright with him. If you can shake him out of this behaviour you will be doing him a favour.

3 issues here:

1. He should be at uni
2. If he isn't at uni, he should tidy up after himself
3. If he was on the right dose, then he shouldn't be
depressed in which case he is miking it!

It that the crux?

you would charge rent from a student when he comes home to see you?

am i the only one that thinks thats ridiculous?

also, he shouldnt be on citalapram at his age as it is know to cause suicidal thoughts. He needs to change medication, young people on that have been known to go from midly depressed to committing suicide very quickly.

Of course charging him rent for a visit is ridiculous.

If he's living with you it's a different story. He seems to be at home more than at university however.

I think charging rent while he's a student is a bit pointless as presumably he has no income other than student loans, and she's probably supporting him financially anyway!

He should be trying to make a contribution to household chores though, as far as his depression allows - certainly should be picking up after himself and maintaining basic personal hygiene, and treating his mother with some manners and respect, especially if she's paying for the squandered education and providing him with free accommodation.

what are you going to do, JJ17?

Would really like to know how it turns out.

He does sound down on himself. Whatever you decide, please be kind because those don't sound like the actions of someone who is happy with themselves or their choices at the moment. Almost as if he is hiding out at yours, mimicking the comfort of his childhood by expecting you to clear up his mess and generally withdrawing from university life. Perhaps he is feeling out of place or overwhelmed? Any negative reactions from you might make him feel even more pushed out and unwanted rather than giving him the proverbial kick up the backside you would understandably intend.

When my DD started uni this year, she signed a consent form stating that she gave permission for her tutor to discuss issues with an elected adult [me] if they felt there was real cause for concen.

Maybe your son had a form like this?