To be sick of my 20 year old?

[JJ17]

My DS1 has just turned 20, he went off to Uni last Sept. He is 7 hours away by coach, 5 by train. He has been back 4 times and always overstays by about a week.

He is in trouble at Uni about his attendance and just wont comply with anything anyone says. For instance, before I went to work this am his (unemployed) mate came round (I was still in my nightie) when I came back they were still there.

DS1 playacts a lot and pretends I am being mean when we have people round. He got up and pretended to act scared when I got home from work.

He said, "what haven't I done?". I said "no idea". Went into the kitchen and emptied the bin, emptied the d/w, cleared up their plates from their day in front of the telly.

I said "how was your day, what have you been up to?" knowing they had done fuck all.

He just annoys me, there is a lot of play-acting and he is refusing to wash cos he "doesnt like" our shower. I am ignoring that too.

Upon reading that back, I'm aware that I sound like the world's biggest sap but I have a son and also practically raised my younger brother and know that I couldn't bear to see either of them in such a state.
His behaviour seems designed to rouse some form of reaction from you; if your relationship has deteriorated then it's possible that he needs to talk to you about the way he is feeling but doesn't feel able.
In your shoes I would try to arrange some quality alone time with him, perhaps at the weekend when you are not stressed and nothing else is distracting you and speak to him calmly and kindly, biting your tongue and refusing to rise to any of his provocative behaviour (even if that means patronising him like the little boy he is behaving like) I often find that showing you care is the first step to getting somebody to open up to you and therefore a step towards resolving the problem.

Thank most of you for your very supportive and helpful comments, I have read all of them.

The critical ones, piss off, I am doing my best in a difficult situation.

DS1 has been "awkward" shall we say from about aged 12. Perhaps earlier, it has become a blur. From about the last year in secondary school his attendance has been bad, even when I have driven him to the school gates.

He is brainy and has managed to pass all of his exams (somehow) despite poor attendance.

He is still here - came back for a weekend 9 days ago. I was going to work this morning and wondered what the dreadful smell in the house was. I smelled myself, the bathroom, the washing basket and then realised it was coming from his bedroom. He smells like a homeless person (I imagine).

I flipped and shouted "you fucking stink, the smell of you has made me retch, just fucking wash!"

He shouted "get out of my fucking room" I shouted "get out of my fucking house".

Then his unemployed mate knocked at the door and looked dismayed that I hadn't left for work already. I said - "this ain't a fucking club house for the unemployed you know!"

So - I have not been classy today.

But he did shower!

Glad he had a shower!

Maybe in the short term, to save your sanity, insist on some house rules for when he is at home-write a list and stuck it on the fridge. Insist if he's at home he follows them.