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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my 20 year old?

78 replies

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 19:21

My DS1 has just turned 20, he went off to Uni last Sept. He is 7 hours away by coach, 5 by train. He has been back 4 times and always overstays by about a week.

He is in trouble at Uni about his attendance and just wont comply with anything anyone says. For instance, before I went to work this am his (unemployed) mate came round (I was still in my nightie) when I came back they were still there.

DS1 playacts a lot and pretends I am being mean when we have people round. He got up and pretended to act scared when I got home from work.

He said, "what haven't I done?". I said "no idea". Went into the kitchen and emptied the bin, emptied the d/w, cleared up their plates from their day in front of the telly.

I said "how was your day, what have you been up to?" knowing they had done fuck all.

He just annoys me, there is a lot of play-acting and he is refusing to wash cos he "doesnt like" our shower. I am ignoring that too.

OP posts:
kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:36

meant to say 'try to go out'

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:38

kathyb1 - have tried getting pissed with him and his mates! That sends him back pretty quick! Lol

OP posts:
activate · 07/12/2010 20:40

classydiva - I would be ashamed of my child if he treated life like that - truly ashamed

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 20:43

guys, classydiva is a shit stirrer of the highest order with a penchant for derailing supportive threads

best to ignore completely

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2010 20:43

report me, CD, go on

kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:43

jj17: continue the good work - it obviously worked last time

what about an opportunity to DANCE in front of his friends - excellent!
Xmas/new year provides plenty of possibilities...

Or telling Really funny stories about when he was potty training?

Or 'fixing him up' on a date?
Double dating - great!

all garanteed to drive him back i reckon!

kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 20:45

so long as it all appears friendly enough it should work a treat - kidology

karen2205 · 07/12/2010 20:47

Someone who is depressed isn't going to be able to 'make themselves happy' just by leaving uni/getting a job etc. He will eventually, with proper treatment, get over the depression, but it's not something with an overnight fix.

He's being difficult to live with, but he's not being unhappy/lazy just to annoy you, even if he's playing on some of it a bit.

Running away from problems won't fix them, but he's probably got to such a point he can't work out how to start fixing them.

Stuff I'd consider:

It's a shared home ie. he's living with you, so there has to be some level of agreement about proper standards in communal areas of the home (like emptying overflowing bins, throwing away rubbish, washing dishes, washing often enough to not smell) etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been behaving in a similar way in his student accommodation and has pissed off his flat mates enough that he's happier with you.

Beyond that level of basic stuff, what else can you negotiate with him that's he's willing to do to contribute to the household? Houswork, cooking, DIY, waiting in for delivery people?

If he's willing to discuss the position with you - when did he last see his GP? Is in on an effective dose of medication? Is it the right medication? Does he need a referral to the CMHT?

Again re uni, if he's willing to discuss this - most (I think all, but wouldn't want to bet on it) universities have student counselling services. Would seeing a professional to talk about things help him? This is something he could consider.

His students' union ought to be in a position to help with difficulties with academic stuff for not attending complusory sessions.

If he's having difficulties with academic work, the disability service may be able to support him with mentoring/other services.

If he wants to drop out for the rest of the year and start again next September (keeping the option to go back is usually wise) the uni careers service may have some advice re job hunting in the meantime.

All of that stuff is likely to be completely overwhelming to someone who is depressed and will need to be broken into small steps/to be done with some support.

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 20:47

Ah - hopefully he will go back tmw.

When I went to Uni I wasnt the brightest of sparks but I did try to keep up.

He doesnt seem to give a monkeys.

Anything I do he acts up in front of others. When we are alone we get on well.

Because of the "Play-acting" I say a lot of okey-dokey whilst wanting to batter him.

OP posts:
Mobly · 07/12/2010 20:48

It is a real shame that he is suffering with depression but good that he is on medication for it. Maybe suggest he goes back to the doctors?

On the one hand you don't want to isolate him if he is struggling at uni but on the hand you don't want to spoli him too much as that would be literally what you would be doing: spoiling him ie. ruining his personality. My mum has always spoilt my brother, and he has no respect for or anyone really, he goes from being extremely depressed and relying on everyone for everthing to being arrogant and vile to everyone.

You need to support him to stand on his own two feet. What does his dad think?

Does he have a key to your house?

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 21:00

Mobly - I know him and know that he will pull on any thread he can. That sounds mean. And I would re-state I really love him.

He is suffering from dep - he has been on med for about 3 years. He is spoiled, and that is my fault and my Mum and Dad's.

I was alone with him from aged 20 and too young not to need them to co-parent. His Dad is in USA and has always undermined me. I think this is the real problem, that we seperated but not amicably.

OP posts:
kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 21:00

there's being supportive & then there's being a doormat

his being depressed is no excuse for rudeness to you.

and i do know what it is like being depressed.

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 21:11

kathyb1 - me too - I am depressed myself. My DS1 depresses me! Other things too, but I am on meds, and never rude.

Hormones?

OP posts:
Animation · 07/12/2010 21:15

Do you think he has some unresolved issues with his dad that are blocking him a bit?

How about some counselling?

kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 21:19

how about this to give you some resolve:

you can treat it as training him for some poor future female who might be nuts enough to take him on.
she'll thank you later!

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 21:26

animation - I do think that he has unresolved issues re his Dad and me and that he is blocking himself.

He was prescribed CBT by his GP but would not really attend. He blocked the sessions and went to about 1 in 3.

I think he loves me to bits but I am the only person he can really "act out" on. I think he needs psychotherapy but he is not old enough for it yet.

Basically, he is messed up.

OP posts:
JJ17 · 07/12/2010 21:27

kathyb1 - pity the poor girl!

OP posts:
kathyb1 · 07/12/2010 21:28

ya never know!

might make a man of him!

alphamummy · 07/12/2010 21:34

Dont let his mates in! Its your house.

You say he's spoilt?! Stop spoiling him then.

Animation · 07/12/2010 21:37

You could send him over to his dads and let them thrash it out?

proudfoot · 07/12/2010 21:52

It's a shame if he's having problems with attendance etc this early into his course and the fact that he visits so often and stays so long do suggest that he might be having trouble fitting in and making friends. Maybe he keeps coming back as he has good friends at home and is struggling to connect with his housemates and coursemates.

I'd try to have an honest talk about how he feels about uni and pin point the problems. Remind him that it's possible to make changes like move into a different hall or flat, join societies to meet new people, change courses etc.

He doesn't sound very motivated at the moment but maybe talk to him about the kinds of career that would interest him and make sure he's aware of the importance of working for a good degree. It may seem harsh to pressure him but he has to know what's at stake because if he keeps missing uni and drops out he'll close a lot of doors. I think being a bit tough on him will be better in the long run than allowing him to laze around, even if he is depressed which obviously makes things harder for him.

LessonsinL · 07/12/2010 22:44

So he's been diagnosed with depression and your response is that it's an "excuse"?

I hope the next time you're unwell, someone tells you to stop pretending and stop using your illness as an excuse.

And he brought a friend around? Dear God, whatever next?

I think you need to look at your relationship with your son, he is clearly unhappy but doesn't know what to do.

Biscuitscoco · 07/12/2010 23:09

OP -poor you. I feel really sorry for you. Your son should be taking responsibility for his own life at that age. Tell him to get back to university and stop missing his course. He needs to grow up.

pinkstarlight · 07/12/2010 23:14

my daughter also went to uni in september,i dont know how old your lad is but my daughter is only 18.its a big thing to adjust to she was really homsick missed her family,missed the dog,missed her close net work of friends that on top of having to fend for her self,having no hot water for 2 weeks etc

she tried to make friends but felt no one was interested in her, its took a while but shes slowly making friends and now has a new b/f. she told me that uni was nothing like she imagined she only had to go in for 8 hours per week which left her with loads of empty time.

your son can get free counciling through the uni,they are their to support him. i know at my daughters uni all lectures also go on line. sounds like you really need to talk to your son to find out whats going on

animula · 07/12/2010 23:29

Sounds like neither of you are dealing with the depression. Poor both of you.

I'm willing to bet he'll drop out/get kicked out. Which is a shame. And a waste.

Agree he should access the counselling service at university, now, while he's still enrolled. It's free, and he'll be seen quickly, whereas GP referrals are a wait.

Also, CBT might not have been the best thing for him, counselling at universities can be more "free-form".

Why did he not attend the counselling before?