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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my Dad and my Stepmum to have my son to stay over?

35 replies

ArrAitch · 05/12/2010 21:30

This is my first post.. hello everyone. I think I'm looking for a mixture of opinions and advice, so I hope I'm in the right place.

My son is seventeen months old. He's a fairly good sleeper, but he still wakes occasionally in the night - just for cuddles, not for milk or anything - and when he does it's often only me who can settle him.

Recently my Dad and Stepmum have been nagging me to let him go and stay with them again (they had him to stay once a few weeks ago when DH and I went out with my brother and his girlfriend for a bit of a "couples" night). I'm not happy about this. Babysitting was one thing but DH and I rarely go out together so we don't need them to babysit all the time. They said it's so I can have a break, but they don't seem to understand that being a parent IS my break - I had a really crappy time of it up until I became a mother and there's nothing I enjoy more than spending time with my little man. I just don't feel right about sending my baby off to stay with someone else for "no reason". I know that they like seeing him, but so do I! I don't want to miss one single minute of his baby-hood because it flies by so quickly! They, of course, think I'm totally out of order and ridiculously possessive.

Am I?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 05/12/2010 21:32

Yes.

ivykaty44 · 05/12/2010 21:33

it is ;lovely your dad and step mum take an interest and are caring and want you to be able to have a break. Couple time is important to and this maybe why your dad and step mum want you to take advantage - seems a little out of order you will let your dad have your dc when it suits you but not if they want to spend soem time with grandson?

I would take them up on their offer over christams if I was you just for one night possibly NYE when there will be lotso f party invits

ilovemyfestivehens · 05/12/2010 21:34

YANBU me and my dh don't routinely have a babysitter care for our dcs and it's fine. I'm quite happy staying in with them.

Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. You can easily have some 'couple time' with a pizza and a dvd if you're happy with that. That's all we do and it suits us fine.

Maylee · 05/12/2010 21:35

Yes - he's their grandchild and they prob dote on him. My Dad and stepmum are the same - any excuse to have my DS with them. It's frustrating sometimes because I enjoy the time I have with DS but I know that it's also precious time for them as well.

Relax a bit!

podsquash · 05/12/2010 21:35

no, yanbu. Plenty of time for sleepover at grandad's. Just put them off for a bit, you could say you will call in the favour when you need it, and they'll be first in line. Tho you are lucky to have supportive grandparents that you trust w your child!

Yulephemia · 05/12/2010 21:36

YANBU - you feel how you feel; your baby, your decision. Fuck what they think: explain to them that you'd love more daytime babysitting, and say a polite no-thank-you to the overnight offer.

indiechick · 05/12/2010 21:37

No, he's your son and you shouldn't feel pressured into anything. I've never understood this view that you should be going out and your children should be used to staying at other people's houses from a young age. If you're not ready, say no. They'll be plenty of time when he's a grotty teenager, I'm sure they won't be so keen then!

Firawla · 05/12/2010 21:38

yanbu, he is very young and i dont see the need for you to send him v often if you are not comfy. i would just say thanks for the offer, we will keep it in mind. there may come a time when you do need that again or will be happy for it but if you are not going to be happy with it then why cant they just see him in a day time

Original poster
ArrAitch · 05/12/2010 21:38

I should have said that the only reason I let them have him to stay when we went out was because they'd been going on and on for ages about it. It wasn't so much that it was convenient for them to have him then but not again. My Mum would happily have come and sat in our flat while we were out (or they could have done this) but they're quite good at emotional blackmail and I felt a bit bullied really. I think I should have stuck to my guns the first time really as I seem to have set a precendent now.

OP posts:
peeringintothevoid · 05/12/2010 21:41

Sorry, I think YABU. You've been happy for them to have him overnight when it suits you, but you can't share him for one night for their pleasure in spending time with their DGS?

I've just re-read your post and am unsure whether they had him overnight or just for the evening. If the latter, then YANBU, but can't you arrange for them to spend a chunk of time with him when he's awake, as they obviously want to build a relationship with him and also be available for free babysitting - IMO these are wonderful things! Xmas Smile

Hulababy · 05/12/2010 21:42

I have a really good relationship with my parents and with my PILs. They adore DD and love to spend time with her. However, when she was little, she did not sleep over anywhere at night til she was 3 years old - mine and DH's choice. There was just no circumstance where we needed her to go and stay overnight. We still went out occasionally and they babysat - but DD's grandparent came and babysat at our house - easier for DD esp as she wasn't a great slepper and at least her room was familiar to her.

At 3y she did have a sleepover and loved it - and she is now 8y and has stayed at grandparents a fair few times for one or two nights at a time. So waiting didn't cause any problems later on either.

I think so long as you are happy and are getting enough time to relax and enjoy yourself then all is fine/

Don't feel pressured to have your child sleep elsewhere without you if you dont feel ready to d0 so, or don't want to.

ilovemyfestivehens · 05/12/2010 21:42

You need to put your foot down and just tell them that you think he's too young and that you had trouble settling him last time he was away from you. Just make an excuse.

One thing about being a parent, you need to learn to be assertive, whether it's with the local gp, teachers, relatives, whatever. You're his parent and you call the shots. He's just a baby.

Original poster
ArrAitch · 05/12/2010 21:45

peeringintothevoid - They were the ones who said they wanted to have him overnight, and basically bullied me into saying yes. I only agreed because DH and I were going out anyway, so I didn't feel quite as bad, and I also wasn't sitting in an "empty" flat missing the little one.

I would love for them to spend a couple of hours with him during the day but for some reason they only seem to want to have him to stay overnight.

OP posts:
FortunateHamster · 05/12/2010 21:46

YANBU

Of course it's understandable for grandparents to want to see the grandkids, but I don't understand the need for an overnight stay - the baby will be asleep for most of it anyway. Would they be happy for having him on their own for a portion of the daytime instead?

It's nice to offer - but to insist on it/get offended is a bit odd imo.

My FIL has just started asking if my DS can stay over - he's only five months old, breastfed and wakes at least once or twice a night. I've said probably when he's older. I think I would be happy for them to do it when he's 18months but would hope they would respect my decision even if I wasn't.

Madinitials · 05/12/2010 21:50

Why do they so desperately want him overnight? I would suggest for them to spend some daytime hours with him and say you will let them know if/when you need them to have him overnight. Your child, your choice, I can't bear to be bullied into things regarding my DD. YANBU.

harecare · 05/12/2010 21:51

I have exactly the same thing with my inlaws. Thank them for offering to help and as soon as you need the help they'll be first in line to be asked.
I don't mind my dcs staying over if I need them to for work or if I have plans to go out or something, but if I don't need them to look after the dcs I'd prefer to do it myself thanks.
This is seen as unreasonable by them and DP as it is only when it is "convenient for me". It's either when it's convenient for me - and them, or what? I ask them when it doesn't suit me and don't ask them when I need them?
I make lots of time to go and visit them and spend time with them and the children, for them to ask for DCs without me or DP feels a bit like they really can't be bothered about me or DP, they just want to see the DCs.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 05/12/2010 21:58

YANBU- My DS has only recently spent one night with the GP's and he is 2yrs old because I didn't feel that he was ready before then. It is totally up to you and whether you think that your son is ready to stay over. My DS won't be staying over again for a while because I don't think that there is a need for it until he is much older. He was upset the next morning and didn't really get much out of it so I had to ask myself why?. If we needed to go out then I would ask the GPs to come and stay over at our house as there is less disruption for DS. Totally up to you, you know your child best.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2010 22:02

YANBU. I don't really understand their insistence.

namechangedfor3months · 05/12/2010 22:12

YANBU.
My weekends are cherished with DS as I work full-time and waited so long to have my baby. Plenty of time to have sleepovers in the future on your grounds and when you are ready. Don't be afraid to put your foot down...

zapostrophe · 05/12/2010 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CornflowerB · 05/12/2010 22:26

YANBU
Agree re needy - why do they need to have him overnight? He is a baby, not a doll to be played with.

Nikalah · 05/12/2010 23:05

YANBU
I have the same situation with my in-laws, my baby is only 4 months old! The offer is meant nicely, but they've had their babies. This is my baby & I'm not ready to leave her yet. I don't need a 'break' I love every moment. The emotional blackmail thing is difficult to deal with.

I'm trying to brush it off - but I think soon there is going to have to be a difficult discussion :( Totally feel for your situation.

MsPav · 06/12/2010 01:22

I agree that you should only allow your dcs to stay away when you are comfortable and relaxed with this.

However, I do think that dgps and dgcs can develop a wonderful relationship and that they should be able (if you agree) to spend time together regardless of your need for a babysitter.

I know from experience how valuable this relationship can be. But, as I said, it is entirely up to you, as parents when this is agreeable.

booyhohoho · 06/12/2010 01:38

OP your dad and step mum can have a great relationship with him without him having to sleep there. if they want to have him alone arrange a day where you can meet with friends or get some stuff done taht you have been putting off. they can have him teh whole day and you collect him in teh evening. really all they would be getting from him staying there is the putting him to bed, checking on him and getting up early. it doesn't benefit your son in anyway especially if he will be upset to wake during the night without you there.

ClimberChick · 06/12/2010 01:40

YANBU

My ILs do this. 'Offer' to come and have her while we go out/get some work done. But even when I've wanted to get stuff done, it's on their time and not at a time that actually helps me.

They helped us clean our house when we moved by taking her out, even though the day before when we moved out, it wasn't a problem having her there then. What would have helped was a hand in the cleaning.

I find the problem is they frame it in a way that makes it hard to say no, and if you did then you would be turning down help when they were just trying to be helpful. It's the two faced part I hate, just admit all you want to do is spend time with them instead of playing the pretend game. I don't care if you have them, but lets me honest about it.

Can you just offer them to have DC during a day. Make it clear that that's the offer, not nights.