to write a rude riposte to BIL? Let me know before I click send.

[Spidermama]

Two of my children, an 11 year old and a 12 year old, enjoy being on Facebook along with, it seems, most of their friends.

My Brother in law, who has no children of his own, has sent me the following message on FB (Names changed but otherwise copied and pasted)

" Spider - shouldn't the kids be min. 13yrs to be on FB?

My friend Joe Bloggs is using rich language for instance, so it has always bothered me that Spiderboy and Spidergirl are on my FB 'friends' list for this sort of reason.

The only thing is that, it seems rude to remove them (the kids). Links to Spiderboy's pictures of his 'bezzie', (best mate?) appeared on my news feed.

Can I speak frankly? I just don't think it is right. I'm thinking of deleting them."

I have written, but not yet sent, a reply saying it's fine for them to be on, he's wrong but he can delete them if he wants. I've also reassured him they have absolutely no interest in his sweary friend Joe Bloggs anyway. I have also included the odd sarcastic remark thanking him for his parenting advice. Should I leave out the sarcasm?

I am pretty pissed off with his patronising tone tbh. I won't mention that he's 44, single and back living with his mum.

wow, glad i posted several measured responses then on this thread

OP, he is looking out for your children! Regardless of whether or not they should be on Facebook, you are totally out of order and YABU to react this way to him caring.

Plus, he is absolutely right to delete your DC, I don't care if 'that's the age they join' - the rule is 13. If we all stuck to 'yeah, but everyone's doing it', where would the kids be then? Thank god for sensible figures in their lives like your BIL.

YABU. I am honest with my friends and wont be "friends" with their children on facebook - I dont want to be censored in what I say on there.

He seemed to be writing as he didnt want to just delete them and cause a family row. Think he did right tbh.

It seems to me that your BIL has valid reasons for not wanting to be friends with his niece and nephew on FB. He is uncomfortable with them seeing what his other friends post and is also uncomfortable being able to see photos of other children through your kids feeds. I don't blame him for either of these things and I think he is being sensible defriending them.
He is just checking with you first so as not to upset them. Seems entirely reasonable to me.
So YABU

Ha ha, just read the rest of the thread. OP, stop mocking us: none of us are hysterical, you huffy child. Risk perception? Fuck off.

yabu! As everyone said, he is actually being considerate and thinking of your kids.
Your comment 'I know for a fact they're not going to be interested in their uncle's friend' suggests he actually understands 11 year olds better than you, as surely most 11 year olds are very drawn to sweary language? Why have him be worried about what might show up on his fb - its an almost private space and he shouldn't have to censor its content because YOU went against the rules of fb! fgs

No hysteria here, Spider, not one bit. Just a bunch of people who don't violate FB's very clear rules or consider sending snotty emails to concerned relatives.

HTH.

the thing is facebook is not an all or nothing. there are various methods of limiting available content. best option is custom settings which give you a lot of control over who sees what.

What has the fact that he has moved back in with his mum got to do with it

YABU. Some of my nieces and nephews (all under 13) are on FB and it does make me uncomfortable. I don't like feeling that I have to censor what I put on there to make it suitable for younger family members, and it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can see huge amounts of information about some of their schoolfriends who don't have very good privacy settings. I don't want to defriend them, or refuse to accept their friendship requests because I don't want to upset them.

I wouldn't have spoken to their parents though as it is their decision to make, and if they feel it's OK then that's up to them. I dealt with it by altering my settings so that they can only see certain things.

I can understand why you're annoyed with your BIL for contacting you about it, but I totally understand his sentiments.

I posted on a similiar thread to this the other day. I have strong views on this as my niece has been on fb since last year(when aged 10!). My sil is completely uneducated when it comes to internet and doesnt know half the things that kids can do online(I have a sis who is 14 years younger so know only too well what they get up too!). When I try and point out that it is not really appropriate get told that "all her friends are doing it". She is also getting benefit makeup for xmas which I think is disgraceful but that is another story!.
YABU. Trying to be your dcs friend doesnt work.Your their parent.

Fwiw I accepted two of my nephews as friends on facebook and now feel in the same position as your BIL.
Not because of things on my profile but on theirs. (they are 17) Such as the usual laddish jokes which are fine but which they wouldnt dream of making in my company.
I have chosen to hide their posts as I didn't want to offend them by deleting them.

Is he good looking?

I agree with other posters who say he is looking out for your children You should be glad he is too. There are far too many parents/relatives/friends who do not behave appropriately around children.

Spider "I am pretty pissed off with his patronising tone tbh. I won't mention that he's 44, single and back living with his mum."

I didn't think his message sounded at all patronising. You did mention that he is '44, single and back with his Mum' which IMO is a sight more patronising than anything he has written.

What has it got to do with the case in point?

Why do people post on AIBU if they don't want to know they ABU????

In terms of inappropriate: photos of adults doing 'not-kid' stuff e.g. building KKK snowmen (in today's news, in USA - but just as an example!) smoking, drinking etc. can easily be seen by your kids if your BIL has commmented on them. They may not even be his photos, but a friend's or someone else's, but they can see them because he's commented on them. Or, the same if he comments on a comment e.g. a racist/ sexist joke. It's naive to think that FB is kid-safe.

Equally, I'd be pissed off with my child posting other people's children's photos so that unrelated adults can see them!

classydiva BIL is pretty good looking but for the slight belly. He was certainly very much a looker in his day.

BIL was right to say something. You can use your discretion to disregard and disagree, but it was nice of him to be concerned.

Show him how to work limited profile? Or say that he doesn't need to be 'friends' with them if he doesn't want to.

He is right, 11 year olds technically shouldn't be on Facebook, but you have decided that they can be and they are your children and really it's not that big a deal.

Oh good grief spider. I have seen you post and my mental image of you is of good sense but yab very u.

I have 17 year old son on facebook. I have younger children too and your Bil has said something to you out of good hearted good sense in an effort to protect your children from what he sees as potential pit falls.
To be sniffy about it is childish and ungracious.

I agree with him as it happens. But even if you do not you should thank your stars forva bilnwhonwas prepared to raise itvwith you and did so in a polite way.

I think on time you may reflect that you're line that everyone who disagrees with you isctrying to socially divide children and adults is a pile of passive aggressive horse shit.

I have no problem with facebook but anyone who sees it as a benign chatty place for pre teens is dancing with the devil.
Watch your children and ring fence their use while you can

Thing is, whatever he is uncomfortable with an 11 or 12 year old seeing I imagine he would be equally uncomfortable wiht a 13 year old seeing, so the official line of 13 doesn't really help him.

Givemesleep I'm perfectly happy to take advice on AIBU and indeed have done as a direct result of this very thread.

I sent a polite reply saying 'by all means defriend' instead of the sarky 'thanks for the parenting advice' reply I WAS going to send. Thanks for steering this path for me.

What's more I now understand that some people feel uncomfortable and don't want to have to censor themselves on FB because children might see. I thank everyone who pointed this out to me.

However I can't agree with those who think it's wrong to let 11 and 12 year olds use FB and who have blind faith in FBs rules and regs and think I should too. Nor did I ask for opinions on this and I reserve the right to find some of the comments and dire warnings of internet horrors on FB quite funny.

YAB totally U. HIs message was kind. I have younger family members on facebook ( 9 and 10 y o), it's totally inappropriate.

Your BIL can set his settings so that your children cannot see his wall. DD1 cannot see my wall, but I can monitor hers. Would that option help?

"However I can't agree with those who think it's wrong to let 11 and 12 year olds use FB and who have blind faith in FBs rules and regs and think I should too. Nor did I ask for opinions on this and I reserve the right to find some of the comments and dire warnings of internet horrors on FB quite funny."

I'm afraid I find this attitude rather odd. Do you think that facebook have made up the age rules for no reason? Is being on facebook really so important to your kids that you can tell them it's fine to view things on the web that ask them to be 16? There's a rule: I don't get why you wouldn't stick to it.