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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to write a rude riposte to BIL? Let me know before I click send.

139 replies

Spidermama · 03/12/2010 18:44

Two of my children, an 11 year old and a 12 year old, enjoy being on Facebook along with, it seems, most of their friends.

My Brother in law, who has no children of his own, has sent me the following message on FB (Names changed but otherwise copied and pasted)

" Spider - shouldn't the kids be min. 13yrs to be on FB?

My friend Joe Bloggs is using rich language for instance, so it has always bothered me that Spiderboy and Spidergirl are on my FB 'friends' list for this sort of reason.

The only thing is that, it seems rude to remove them (the kids). Links to Spiderboy's pictures of his 'bezzie', (best mate?) appeared on my news feed.

Can I speak frankly? I just don't think it is right. I'm thinking of deleting them."

I have written, but not yet sent, a reply saying it's fine for them to be on, he's wrong but he can delete them if he wants. I've also reassured him they have absolutely no interest in his sweary friend Joe Bloggs anyway. I have also included the odd sarcastic remark thanking him for his parenting advice. Should I leave out the sarcasm?

I am pretty pissed off with his patronising tone tbh. I won't mention that he's 44, single and back living with his mum.

OP posts:
TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 03/12/2010 18:57

but wy did you let them have a facebook if they weren't 13

they will know you have lied about their age to give it to them

Lulumaam · 03/12/2010 18:59

this is the same reason DH does not add anyone under 18 ! i have lots of friends DCs on mine, but i don't puyt anyhting on there i wouldn't want my own DC to see . however, sometimes DH uses sweariness and some particualr friends of his are v v rude. fine for adults, not for children

it is too much to expect a childless man who prob has lots of similar friends to moderate his tone for children who should not be on fb anway.

Original poster
Spidermama · 03/12/2010 19:00

Wow! I'm genuinely surprised that you ALL agree with him. Shock

The vast majority of ds and dd's friends are on fb already so it's not at all unusual.

I will certainly cut the sarcasm and just send back a brief response saying defriend them BUT I have absolutely no problem with my children being on FB at this age. On the contrary, I think it's a great tool which they've been using to really good effect communicating with far flung relatives we sadly don't get to see.

I guess it's part of the whole culture of wanting to separate the lives of children and adults. I don't tend to do this too much and often have parties, for example, for children and their parents.

OP posts:
feistychickfightingthebull · 03/12/2010 19:00

YABU, your BIL is correct.... My DS(12) is on FB and he is only allowed to have friends of his age on FB. He was my friend before but I defriended him for the very reasons your BIL has mentioned. He is not being patronising at all but caring

SantasENormaSnob · 03/12/2010 19:00

What exactly should she be nipping in the bud allnightlong?

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/12/2010 19:01

I also agree with your BIL. Just ask him to "defriend" them. From his e-mail it looks as though he's just looking out for their interests.

This is why the age for FB is 13.

Don't send him your sarky e-mail back. In this instance it makes no difference that he has no children.

verytellytubby · 03/12/2010 19:01

I've deleted all my friend's children I accepted in a moment of madness. My FB is for adults.

I think the BIL is being sensible.

sleepingin · 03/12/2010 19:01

Activate- I totally agree re kids sharing the most amazing details of their lives without thinking about the fact that any relatives they are friends with can see their activity. When my 14 y.o. Cousin joined the group 'I am a fan of sex on the morning', I defriended her...too much info for me. (I realise that it was not necessarily based on real experience!)

I am also a bit Hmm re the notion that just because OP's BIL doesn't have his own kids he has no grounds on which to proffer a sensible opinion on this!

SantasENormaSnob · 03/12/2010 19:04

Fb is a social networking site, no?

I don't socialise with kids so don't want them on facebook. There is way too much inappropriate stuff on there for them IMO.

I fail to see how seperating the lives of parents and children is a negative thing in this instance.

ravenAK · 03/12/2010 19:06

My child's on FB.

He has a very similar name to dh - more than one of our friends have added ds in error.

I've always tipped them off (I manage his requests for him...), & most have said ah OK, don't accept the request, please - which I think is entirely appropriate. I don't have other people's dc on FB either!

Your BIL is being responsible IMO Smile.

DuelingFanio · 03/12/2010 19:06

I think he's being sensible. Maybe he could ajust his privacy settings so they can't see his friends or his staus updates?

Original poster
Spidermama · 03/12/2010 19:07

I only mention he has no kids because I think he basis his idea of parenting on what he remembers from when he was a kid in the 70s. Things are very different now. Children are very different now and as he so rarely comes across any children his views are less informed.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 03/12/2010 19:08

i really think you are over thinking this

it is not about seperating adults and children

it is not about isolating your DC from teh family

it is about htem not bieng exposed to inappropraite stuff through the internet

which is a hotbed of inappropriateness

he is protecting your children.

if they want to talk , tehy can skype/phone/email, non?

it's not abiout cutting them out

there are plenty of internet sites i would not want my DCs to see at this age, and therefore they dont' see tehm, plenty of computer games, tv shows too that i enjoy that they are too young for.. so they don't see them.. they can watch any number of other programmes with me though...

BonniePrinceBilly · 03/12/2010 19:13

He seems more informed than you though. You KNOW he is right, its there in black and white on FB rules.

YABVU.

Original poster
Spidermama · 03/12/2010 19:13

Is it just me? I have been on Facebook for years and honestly can't remember coming across anyting particularly offensive or inappropriate.

Anyway, I've written a nice polite reply you'd all be proud of.

OP posts:
Altaira · 03/12/2010 19:15

Interesting that BIL views are actually better informed than yours- even without children.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 03/12/2010 19:16

It depends on your attitude. Some parents are quite open with their kids about adult stuff and have an open discussion about what comes up on the internet.

The other factor is that it isn't just about your BIL, but his friends and how appropriate that content may be. For instance if he comments on someone's post, then they will see it.

What about an option that he has a 'family' FB page?

HuckingFell · 03/12/2010 19:16

i would suggest he sets up a list and adds the kids to it in order to limit what they can see. exactly what i have done for my in laws, nieces etc

ilovemydogandMrObama · 03/12/2010 19:17

You've been on FB for years and can't remember anything particularly offensive or inappropriate?

I wanna be your friend Smile

Lulumaam · 03/12/2010 19:18

it's just you Smile

activate · 03/12/2010 19:20

children are not very different now - the problem is many modern parents are very different and are not happy to say no to stuff all their friends are doing

Original poster
Spidermama · 03/12/2010 19:22

Good idea HuckingFell. Thanks.

At last a sensible, non hysterical post from someone with a realistic risk perception.

OP posts:
activate · 03/12/2010 19:23

who you calling hysterical? Is it all the people who don't agree with you?

LOL

bruxeur · 03/12/2010 19:23

lol

AIBU?

NO I'M NOT HOW DARE YOU SAY I AM.

SantasENormaSnob · 03/12/2010 19:24

I haven't seen any hysteria Hmm