Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tellmy cousin her daughter is a rude ungrateful cow

31 replies

charlieandlola · 03/12/2010 15:20

My dad died earlier this year and he left £10k to each of his sibling's relations .
I am executrix so have just sent the money out.
My cousin was lovely to me and my mum sending cads photos and messages to us after my dad died.
Her daughter is one of the beneficiaries and have we heard from her either before we sent the money or after ?
Nope despite us being friends on fb and Twitter .
She is 27 married with an 18 month old baby.
My mum is simmering gently about it.
I am nearly at the point of ringing my cousin as amfeeling like I could slap her daughter .

Families death and money eh !

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:22

Well, I can understand how you feel, but she perhaps feels she doesn't have to thank you for passing on money that was left to her in a will? You're not doing her a favour, or choosing to give her something. This was money that was bequeathed?

Not saying I think that is the right way for her to go, just that it could be how she views it.

scurryfunge · 03/12/2010 15:24

I would ask your cousin if the daughter has received the money which may prompt an acknowledgement.

fallon8 · 03/12/2010 15:24

why does she need to thank YOU? It wast your money.

Original poster
charlieandlola · 03/12/2010 15:25

I agree wasnt expecting thanks necessarily but a note or phone call to my mother offering condolences sometime in the last 6 months would not have been too much to ask surely ??

OP posts:
MaDugHerDecsOut · 03/12/2010 15:26

I think YABU, she doesnt really owe you thanks.

juneybean · 03/12/2010 15:27

The OP hasn't said she's looking for thanks?

scurryfunge · 03/12/2010 15:27

OP, you are right, an acknowledgement would be appropriate. It would be polite to send a card to your mum at least to say it was nice of your dad to remember her.

KurriKurri · 03/12/2010 15:27

I think hec's point is a valid one, - no real need for her to thank you for a bequest (although it would be a nice gesture to do so). I would be more upset about the fact that she offer no condolences when your father died - that is very thoughtless Sad

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:28

That's a separate issue.

You gave the impression this was about the money. - talking about her being ungrateful, mentioning the money...

condolences is different. Yes, you would have thought she would. Perhaps she felt her mother was doing it on behalf of that section of the family?

escape · 03/12/2010 15:29

Sorry gals, what a load of claptrap, she can't thank a dead man of course, but I won't have it accepted as normal that someone is given money, by anyone, and basically doesn't acknowledge it.
YANBU - someone, be it you, your mother, or even her mother, should have received an acknowledgement.
It wasn't 'rightfully' anyones - it's still a gift.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:30

oh, and ungrateful gives the impression that they did not express GRATITUDE - therefore reasonable to assume the OP was in fact talking of thanks.

LoudRowdyDuck · 03/12/2010 15:31

I think it is ungrateful - at least it would be polite to acknowledge the OP for sending the money! I can't imagine it is easy being the executrix on your dad's will - my mum did her mum's and it was both upsetting and quite time-consuming.

So, OP, YANBU. I would probably send a pointed note asking if she received it.

Original poster
charlieandlola · 03/12/2010 15:31

Thank you kurri kurri at last someone sees where I am coming from!

Perhaps I should replace ungrateful with thoughtless . In the title .

It's not my money but it's money my mum worked hard for too and am soo mad it's gone to someone who hasn't had the good grace to acknowledge m dads passing apart from fb messaging me with her bank details ...

OP posts:
MrManager · 03/12/2010 15:32

No need to thank you, YABU.

And it is not as emotional for her - he was her great-uncle? Not a particularly close bond, I bet - I would have forgotten all about it, and certainly wouldn't think to regularly phone to comfort the widow.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask confirmation that she recieved the money.

scurryfunge · 03/12/2010 15:34

Well, presuming the deceased father discussed the will with his wife then I would guess the bequest was agreed by both. In effect, some money that would naturally have gone to his wife has been given to other relatives - so wife deserves a thanks and an acknowledgement.

OP, forgive me if that was totally presumptuous and your mother was not the main beneficiary.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:41

escape - but not a gift from the OP or her mother. So she does not need to be grateful to them.

Like I say - condolences, acknoledgment yes - but OP talked of being grateful and linked that to contacting them, so it was natural to assume that meant an expectation of gratitude to them.

Not the same thing at all.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:43

Grin and I think I am arguing language when the OP is talking emotions. [lightbulb]

What you are really pissed off about is that this woman doesn't seem to care that your beloved, wonderful dad has passed away. Is that right?

nickeldonkeyonadustyroad · 03/12/2010 15:52

it's more being ungrateful to OP's dad - sending a note of any kind to the OP or her mum would be acknowledging the fact that her dad did something lovely in his will.

that's not an unreasonable thing.

"dear OP,
sorry about your dad, I'm really grateful to him that he left me this money - shows that he really cared.
he was a lovely man and will be missed"

that's all was needed.

so, YANBU OP.

Original poster
charlieandlola · 03/12/2010 15:53

I am not that bothered if she cares or not but am pissed off that she has not acknowledged his passing to either me s executrix or my
mother . It's just bloody rude IMHO.
I don't want a wailing scene just a note or phone call sometime in the last 6 months.
She and my dad were not close so don't expect her to be grief stricken just polite.
And before anyone says it , it's not about the money . We have plenty of our own and my dad left me a substantial amount , so am not feeling she has wrongly deprived me of my inheritance. Etc
I just think she is rude and needs a slap !

OP posts:
Mum2HarryandBen · 03/12/2010 15:57

UABVU, your anger seems misplaced, re your dad's death and I wonder if there is anger you and your mothers inheritance was taken from you to others!

She does not have to thank you, it would be good manners to communicate with you etc, the gift is not from you, you can get a solicitor to sort out the will if sorting it out yourself causes you so much anger etc!

classydiva · 03/12/2010 15:58

Why dont you contact her and say something like, as my dad was kind enough to leave you something when he passed, sending your condolensces to my mother after he passed would have been appreciated.

MsKalo · 03/12/2010 16:24

She is bloody rude and ungrateful and yes she should be told!

RJRabbit · 03/12/2010 17:56

YANBU. Message her back on Facebook explaining why she's rude. (What Classydiva said)

SkiingGardeningTwinklyBauble · 03/12/2010 18:03

YANBU. Anacknowledgment would be the least you should get. Facebooking you her bank details without any other communication is very rude and grasping.

MrManager · 03/12/2010 18:03

Perhaps she hasn't raised the subject for fear as coming off as all 'so where's my money?'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread