open bottle of spirit at a gathering - fair game?

[PavlovtheCat]

DH and I are having a dispute.

DS was one years old on sunday. We had some people around to celebrate, people with children, in the afternoon, on sunday 2:30pm onwards, tea and cake.

We brought some little stubby beers so as to have a toast - 20 beers, 12 adults, some driving, some non-drinkers, DH had none of them, I had one, happy for people to help themselves.

DH and I had one manhattan to have our own toast, before most of the people arrived, say around 3pm. This involved a shot of bourbon which was only opened for that purpose, and it was left, lid on, on the kitchen side. This was not offered, apart from to one close person.

About 2 hours later, i went into the kitchen to find one of the known drinkers (was there with his wife and newborn, so had no 'responsibility' so to speak) with a large glass of bourbon and ice. so when he was out of the room i moved it so as not to encourage further consumption from him/others.

DH said i had no place being prickly about it, it was an open bottle of booze on the side, fair game for takers. my view is this was a 1 year old baby's birthday party, in the afternoon, not a cocktail party where everyone was getting drunk, there was no open invitation to help yourselves, only beer was offered, along with tea/coffee as per invitation, and just because we had alcohol in the kitchen does not make it fair game.

Am I or is he being unreasonable in our views?

Most of the children's parties I've been to have NO booze on offer, thinking about it.

But then I always seem to end at ones where tons and tons of guests have been invited and I guess supplying booze on top would be expensive?

Personally, the only kids party I've hosted was my PFB's first birthday party. It was mostly family, a few close friends with children and it started at about 2 and went on well into the night - this was mostly because the family all travelled to get there so we weren't hoofing people out the door at 5.

Anyway, we had wine boxes, Pimms and beers and everyone had a lovely time, no one got ridiculously pissed but everyone enjoyed themselves.

But then, I can trust my friends and family to drink sensibly and not misbehave - is it that you can't do that pavlov, or was it more of a number of guests vs expense issue?

Oh, and if DH's JD had got drunk I would have been happy that a guest who I obviously hadn't provided for had found something they liked.

YANBU at all its a 1st birthday party, no room for guests to be drinking spirits and helping them selfs to it uninvited.

It's a party there was drink out, it got drunk, to my mind that is normal, unless you give specific instructions to guests about what they can and can't drink it is reasonable for them to assume that if they can see it they can drink it (well in my house anyway!).

I have been to different children's parties, some with booze some without (both totally acceptable). In fact we had a breakfast party for DD when she was 1 to avoid our boozy friends expecting drink!

Nevertheless I would never just help myself to drink at someone else's house, unless some pumping house party, but then I would have brought my own booze to that.

I'd never help myself to spirits at a child's birthday party - totally rude!

YANBU

No booze is fine at a party

the difference is the OP offered a small beer suggesting that booze is fine, then left an opened bottle of bourbon in plain view (which the OP preferred as her and her dh had some earlier)

If booze is fine then it's normal to assume that all booze out on the side is useable.

Its much less usual to assume that only the beer is offered. Most people would assume that there was a choice.

I've never been to a party where only one type of drink was offered (and there were different, unavailable drinks on the side)

YANBU, but that's onl because I think you don't understand hospitality.

What you're saying, essentially, is: WE'RE good enough to have a cocktail, but YOU, my guests, are only worth two tiny bottles of supermarket lager. And a scone.

Since that evidently is the case, the least you could have done was to hide the whiskey - leaving it out rubs their noses in it, imo.

I don't think so. We often have people over and only offer wine. Is that odd?

I love booze but I tailor my drinking to different events e.g. went to dinner on Sunday with children, it was early and our hosts opened a bottle of red wine. We shared between 4 which was lovely and if the children hadn't been there and it had been later I'm sure we would have had more than one bottle but I thought one glass was appropriate for THAT situation. Also, no option of red or white wine I just had what was offered and did not think this was odd.

Since we were home so early DH and I shared another bottle later

No, it's not about the variety & quantity of drinks per se - it's the fact that the three of them had whiskey themselves on the same occasion but didn't share! It's all a bit 'us & them'. If you're going to do that (shouldn't), it'd be wise to hide the fact.

I don't find that at all hard to understand ... but reckon OP is NBU because she doesn't get it!

They had the whiskey before though? A private celebration? Don't see the harm in that.

Not everyone can afford spirits for all!

I do find it a bit of a pain to go somewhere and find the drink is strictly rationed. Far more of a pain than to go somewhere booze-free. If the hosts have clearly calculated that you get one an a half glasses of wine each then you end up feeling uneasy, judged, beady-eyed at other people (Bitch! She had one and three quarter glasses!)

Whether it was a boozy party or not, I think it is rude for someone to help themselves to a bottle of spirits that was tucked away on the side (thinking of how we line up wine with olive oil at home! ) without asking- i'd never dream of helping myself without asking the host/friend first! I'd ask and suss out what was on offer first before getting stuck in- or if I wanted a drink that much i'd bring a bottle myself!

bigTilly - yes, I do formal entertaining, but laos not so formal. However, I was brought up to accept what was on offer or ask for water. I would not go trunking through someone else's house, take unoffered booze and go poking around for ice. I don't do that at my Mum's, let alone anyone else's house., as it is not my house and as I said, it would be extraordinarily rude to do so.

If we have a BBQ for example, I'll provide wine/beer/soft drinks/pimms, but that will be it. I have some spirits out on a drinks tray, but would not expect anyone to help themselves at a party.

I also do not understand the need for alcohol at a Sunday afternoon tea for a 1 year old. Tea or coffee, and hot chocolate for those who don't want coffee/tea is enough.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake - bottle was only in plain view if one was in the kitchen.

I know it was a party but if it had been me, not sure I would be too happy to find someone had wandered off into the kitchen, taken a large measure of spirits and then hunted for ice, and was perhaps pleased to find that out of sight, he might have a refill if the opportunity arose.

I would not do that even in the home of one of my sisters let alone that of a friend.

Anyway, seems to show a fair number think anything visible is fair game, and others consider it rude to take without any thought of asking.

I know which people I'd prefer to invite round (and would have a variety available, to cater for most tastes) - safe in the knowledge they would not abuse the situation.

Totaly tight and mean.

This type of event on a Sunday is a guys idea of hell and he did well not to drink your entire drinks cabinet!

If it is such hell, he should have made his excuses and gone home, not wandered in the kitchen and taken a large measure of spirits to boot.

I think in similar circumstances I would tell such a person to go and drink his own f'ing booze at his own f'ing home, and never cross my path in future!

I would be more upset if any of my close friends felt the need to ask tbh.

I also don't get the problem with drinking at a childs party - it's not like you're putting it in the kids cups - but then again, my friends aren't the sort to get revolting on drink - so it's not a problem as they act like grown ups.

Lighten. The fuck. Up.

Crikey, maybe he could have asked but would you really have said no in front of your other guests?

Unless you are incredibly strapped for cash I don't think this is a big deal. One drink out of a bottle is hardly a big deal, even if the bottle cost £17, as there are about 15 double shots in a standard sized bottle, so we're talking a couple of bucks here.

If the beer was in the fridge, you asked people to help themselves and the bottle was out and open then I'd say it was a bit forward (especially as he didn't ask) but not incredibly out of order. £7 for 12 beer seems very cheap, so I'm wondering if it was also either very small or not very nice, and possibly better not offered at all.

I'd be very happy with scones and just tea/coffee to drink, but if beer was the only alcoholic offering I'd feel a bit sad because I really don't like beer, and generally expect an alternative (either wine or spirits) to be on offer too. Likewise I'd never offer just wine unless I knew that's what my guests liked. If you are inviting people to your house then surely you should be wanting to make them happy?

On the 'not a cocktail party where everyone was getting drunk' I think that you are being slightly hypocritical given that you had a cocktail yourself, and your annoying guest only had the one drink of whiskey.

i am amazed at how many people would 'expect' me to provide more variety of alcohol at a child's First birthday party! . blimey you really are all a bunch of piss-heads aren't you?

My cocktail (which was very nice by the way) was not drunk in front of non-participating guests, it was drunk with one guest only before everyone else arrived in my own home.

I have found the differences of opinion interesting to read though thank you!

can see both sides of this, and agree with both
Like perfumedlife, first birthday parties are a bit ugh unless you are close family - would make my excuses, frankly. Howeve, if the guests do accept, it behoves them to accept what they are offered and not rummage about. I had a friend who always used to do this type of thing - I would prepare lunch for all of us, something not controversil or fancy, and she would say, something like 'oh, no, the DDs wouldn't like that, I'll just do them some pasta instead' and open MY cupboards to make a separate meal for them, unasked. (Luckily she emigrated, so probabaly saved me being found one day standing over her dismembered body holding a bloody kitchen knife....

I think YABU, it is fair game.

Also chill, its only a bottle! :)

Are you my sister?

14 of us for her son's 2nd b'day party last Friday night...

she had 1 dozen buns, 1 dozen mini pizzas & half a dozen sausage rolls...

never in my life have I been as glad to have had my dinner before we went!!

She also (begrudgingly) offered dh a beer with the added comment, "there might be some in the attic, perhaps it's out of date though, it's probably there since last Christmas."

So yes, you sound uptight, miserable and very inhospitable - but don't take my word for it

Do you really begrudged your friend a drink?

Your DH is right!