Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find out sex of baby and keep it to myself as DH doesnt want to know

33 replies

Whitethorn · 30/11/2010 14:33

What do you think. I know I can keep it to myself and its number 2 so I really do want to find out. Is it dreadful deceit or am I entitled?

OP posts:
BelligerentGhoul · 30/11/2010 14:36

YABU. Tbh though, I don't think that hospitals should tell anybody the sex of the baby, unless there is a medical need to know.

Flisspaps · 30/11/2010 14:37

YABU, it'll accidentally slip out at some point. Why would it make such a difference knowing anyway?

Original poster
Whitethorn · 30/11/2010 14:37

Ok, anyone with a less hardline approach Wink

OP posts:
lia66 · 30/11/2010 14:38

ours prefer not to tell unless you are both in agreement to find out.

thefurryone · 30/11/2010 14:38

I reckon you'll actually find it harder to keep it to yourself than you realise, it probably won't be long until you're refering to it as she/ he in front of him.

nannynobnobs · 30/11/2010 14:38

i think you'd have a hard time not calling it 'he' or 'she' if you knew, dead giveaway. I much preferred to wait and see :)

PositiveAttitude · 30/11/2010 14:38

Wont you let it slip, just in general conversation, eg: "when he is born, I will..." Personally I couldn't do it, but that's me!
It wouldn't be deceitful if he knew that you knew, but wanted you to keep it a secret.

nannynobnobs · 30/11/2010 14:39

Haha my second x-post in as many minutes!

Casmama · 30/11/2010 14:39

There was a thread about this before whereI think the OP had already found out. The overwhelming response was don't lie to your partner - either convince him and find out together, tell him you are going to find out and you will do your best not to let the cat out of the bag, or don't find out.
Don't lie to your DH as its not fair and it could cause serious trust issues in your relationship.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 14:39

I'm inclined to think that as you're the pregnant one, it's up to you if you want to know.

But you don't have to hide it from your DH, just tell him you want to find out.

I say this as someone who didn't find out for either of mine, with a DH who DEFINITELY didn't want to know, and has come around to the idea of keeping it a surprise until the birth.

Pingpong · 30/11/2010 14:41

YANBU.
I had an amnio and asked to find out the sex. My DH said he didn't want to know (but only after I knew) so for 22 weeks I had to keep it a secret. Much to everyones surprise I didn't tell anyone other than my MWs.
I didn't find out for my first child but second time round I really wanted to know. It is a very personal decision and only you will know if you can keep it a secret. If you think you will slip up then it's not fair to your DH if he really doesn't want to know.

daimbardiva · 30/11/2010 14:41

Why not tell him that you are going to find out, but that he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to? That way you both get what you want and there are no lies.

Theantsgomarching · 30/11/2010 14:42

I really wanted to find out on dc2. DH was adament that we wouldn't. I tried everything I could to convince him, even begging during the scan but he refused point blank.

On the way to the car after the scan that fact that I wanted to know the sex of the baby just seemed so ridiculous - I had been told that all was well and baby was healthy...I didn't give a shit at that moment whether it was a boy or a girl...

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/11/2010 14:42

You have as much right to find out as he does to not want to know.

Be upfront. Tell him that you do want to know, so you will be finding out. But since he doesn't want to know, you won't tell him. And you won't tell anyone else either, in case they let slip to him.

fel1x · 30/11/2010 14:43

yes you can do it but tell him first that you will be doing it so theres no lying going on

maybe also agree now that from now on you will refer to the baby as 'he' regardless of what you find out to help you avoid slipping up?

mememe30 · 30/11/2010 14:44

I don't see a problem with you finding out but I would tell him that you are going to. I have friends that the dad was told and mum didn't want to know. He kept it to himself and she had her surprise

Original poster
Whitethorn · 30/11/2010 14:45

I think I'll have to go with the majority of posters. I imagine that I will miss the 'surprise' element of the birth if I find out.
Dh won't even look st the scan pics for fear he might see something!

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 30/11/2010 14:45

YANBU.

I wouldn't lie - I'd be honest and say you want to find out, but if you are going private, you dont necessarily have to say when.

It will be very difficult not to let slip or buy a single thing though, and for that reason it is unfair on him if you do.

Its a tricky one, but I dont think one or other half of a couple should get to decide for the other - and that goes both ways. At least you in theory can keep it from him with his agreement (as long as you are very disciplined) - what I'm saying is I dont think a man should place a "scan ban" on a woman, because there is that potential for her to just keep it to herself. However, a man finding out and keeping it from the woman is more difficult, because she at least has to be present at the scan!

mememe30 · 30/11/2010 14:48

They wrote it down for my friend's hubby. He had a right to decide and so did she. They were both happy.

tubsandedward · 30/11/2010 14:49

I did this with number 3, my husband did not know that I knew or it would have been more difficult. I already had 2 girls and to my shame, my initial reaction in the delivery room after the birth of my second dd was disapointment. It did not last of course and I adore my two girls but that was how I felt at that moment and I'd wished I'd been prepared. I did not want to feel that way again in the delivery room so I found out and kept it to myself. I was having a boy but that didn't matter, I just wanted to be prepared. I told my dh straight after birth and he understood my reasons.

heymango · 30/11/2010 14:49

How could you sit there and discuss names for boys if you knew it was a girl? I couldn't fake enough interest!!

Don't find out - it's so much more fun not knowing!

TattyDevine · 30/11/2010 14:50

And for all those saying "just wait" etc, thats fine, but its a very personal thing. There is no way I could have waited knowing the technology is there. If it didn't exist, I would have had to. But knowing there was a place 10 minutes drive away that would do it for an affordable fee, it would have been too much.

Luckily my DH and I were in agreement and both wanted to find out. If we were not, I would have tried to negotiate a compromise with him where I found out and did everything I could to keep it quiet. It wasn't about making a big pink or blue nursery or anything like that so I would have just had to keep my mouth shut.

If he'd told me under no uncertain circumstances that I couldn't have a scan, we would have major problems, but they wouldn't actually be about the sex of our baby! I just fundamentally feel a woman should be able to find something out about her baby if the technology is there and she can afford to do so. I feel the same about a man too but accept that its trickier logistically when the baby is inside the female.

boogeek · 30/11/2010 14:54

This happened to a friend of mine - she did really well until they had a row at 38 weeks and she said something like "I hope your son is not as stubborn as you" - oops!

MmeBucket · 30/11/2010 15:26

We didn't find out DS, because DH didn't want to. When we had DC2, I wanted to find out the sex, and DH still didn't want to, so I went out of my way to concoct a brilliant scheme in which the ultrasound tech would call me at home, after the appointment and just tell me. All that trouble, and it turns out DD had her legs crossed so tightly that nobody knew what she was going to be until she came out.

RamblingRosa · 30/11/2010 15:31

YANBU. Happened to me the other way round. I really didn't want to know and DP did. I left the room after the ultrasound and the radiographer told DP. Remarkably he actually managed to keep it a secret.