to think that most DIVORCE is not always the answer?

[heyhay]

I am new to MN and have found the forum to be very useful. I am a bit concerned though that it seems most women are being told to leave, divorce their partners if they misbehave? AIBU to think that this is too negative?

aww, she might

stranger things 'ave happened

blimry Gigan - I didn't know you were fattiemumma .

If the OP comes back and answers the question I put to her I will take every poster on this thread out to tea at The Ritz

I really want her to come back now.

Val, I will have the whole English thing with every variety of ikkle cake

and I take sugar

yup, was no secret.

If she was as new as she said she was i guess she will have namechanged and hidden the relationships board.

and unless she has learned anything from the thread i would suggest that that is a good thing

I'm sure it wasn't - but it completely bypassed me

AF, I'd order their entire ikkle cake menu x posters on this thread if she answers me

QueenGig, if she has learnt then great...would be worthwhile coming back and saying so though . And just as much so if she was new. Just a quick apology and then off to MyMN for a name change

Gig's posts on this subject have taught me loads

Stuff I was too naive/inexperienced/unempathic to know without having gone through it myself

Val, I wonder how many posters have done just that

I certainly have !

Not for a few years now though (in my shaky defence)

AF i am ridiculously flattered by that comment. I find your contributions to the relationships threads wise and empowering. i am deeply honoured that you have taken anything from my posts.

Gig, I have told you this before (I think, or maybe I just thought was pissed and dreamed it). No need to be flattered, you deserve the recognition and the validation.

I won't be the only one. either, not by a long way. The lurkers will thank you for it too.

Good grief yes, AF. I lurk quite bit and some people's experiences which they have shared here have been a real eye opener. I like to think I wasn't all that judgemental before I arrived here, but I didn't have a clue about a lot of things.

It is legitimtately inspirational to see what some women have pulled themselves back from, and it certainly makes me pull my socks up when I'm feeling hormonal mopey. I don't think I really appreciated before just how hard it is to escape froma violent man - having never been in an abusive relationship, it is hard to imagine how you can't see it and just leave. Reading stories of some women here has given me a massive leap in understanding.

Sadly there are trolls people like the OP who just won't see what's staring them in the face, but there are plenty of people who read stories here and improve their lives because of the confidence it gives them.

thank you for sharing your experiences, Gig.

you don't know how many people you've helped.

i never did, for sharing my experiences of PND, but from PMs i've received and emails, i know realise, not hiding is a good thing.

like you, my SIL remained with an abusive partner for years.

he did not abuse their two sons, but he started with incidents like that in the other thread OP and progressed to trying to run her over with a car.

12 years they were together.

4 years she's been away.

but she did.

and i never see her without telling her what a strong person she is.

every week, 2 women die at the hands of a partner or ex-partner.

every time a woman is murdered, 90% of the time, if she is not connected to drugs or prostitution, her killer is someone she either knows or loves.

Mme Fucker, you sent a two-line post to someone in relationships, a while back. I can't remember the exact post - it was typical of your replies - but it shook my world. You said something like "You shouldn't be excusing XYZ, you should be enjoying ABC".

Until then, I'd been allowing expensive therapists to query my contribution to every interpersonal problem that I'd had. I'm not saying their points weren't valid, but it had never occurred to them that I had so little idea of my basic rights; so little self-respect. You crystallised that for me, and you continue to do that for other people on a daily basis.

imagine if the object the partner through at the OP in the other thread had struck her the wrong way.

imagine she'd fallen from the object striking her. the wrong way.

now imagine she's your daughter, your sister, your family member, your mother, your friend.

and come back on here and tell me leaving him is negative and maybe she wound him up?

SIL does volunteer work for Women's Aid and two refuges now.

and she says every time she shares her story, every time she tells how she took him back, after he broke her bones, put her in hospital, etc., she doesn't know if it makes a difference to that woman, she hopes so.

she says it's like quitting cigarettes, never give up, giving up.

but hopes that they give up that relationship before it's too late.

Imagine her dc are now upstairs straining to hear their mum's voice incase he has thrown something else and killed her this time.

If you think maybe the woman was to blame then you are insane, how do you justify the children having to live with that fear?

Yep. Imagine growing up in a house like that. A child is trapped, mostly, can't get a job and move out.

It is exactly like an addiction - for abusers and abused. It's the whole, multicoloured, picture: You can call it a rollercoaster, life in high relief, in bright colours - or the cycle of abuse.

Each time round, the downs will have to get worse so as to make the highs worthwhile. It takes more than a quick dose of common sense to escape the 'roundabout' - it takes enough self respect to know your life's worth living, just because you are a person. No low-high drama, just a loveable life.

I still struggle with this; I guess a few others do, too. But, as with any other addiction - once you've seen what it's doing to you (taking you lower each time, so your highs will be less demanding) - it stinks. Anybody would be better off out of the cycle completely.

A person who argues for rational negotiation within the (addictive) cycle of abuse is either a 'user' or so innocent of the process, they have no idea of what's going on.

QueenGig, your posts really brought tears to my eyes (and I am so not usually a weeper!). What a strong, inspirational woman you are.

OP - (am assuming this thread is referencing the thread in 'Relationships' you have posted on)... I volunteered in a womens refuge for a couple years, and I will never forget some of the horror stories I heard. Or some of the truly traumatised women trying to rebuild their lives after many years of being beat down, belittled, and physically beaten. Perhaps you think their partners were just 'misbehaving'?

'Misbehaviour' does not come close to describing the actions of the 'H' mentioned on the thread in question. Misbehaviour is staying out too late, not cleaning his wee off the toilet seat, or eating the last of the cheese.

Throwing a very heavy glass object at one's wife's head is abuse. Plain and simple. Doing it in front of a child is simply disgusting. It is 100% indefensible, and to be honest, I am baffled as to how you can make excuses for it. Horrible.

Giving heyhay the benfit of the doubt, maybe s/he's retreated for a rethink

Whatever, this thread is turning out to be so powerful, I wish Mumsnet would move it to a less impermanent home. I don't know how to request that, though - or even if it's okay to ask?

YANBU.

Many MNers have 'DIVORCE' on a quickkey, and AIBU is known as a place to get it all off your chest with a good anti-man rant.

I have no idea what thread others you are referring to. I'm pretty sure its regarded as bad form to chase a poster across them though...

ccpccp The OP started this thread at the same time as appearing to suggest (more than once) on another thread that a woman might have contributed to domestic violence because she wound her husband up. Given the particular circumstances I think her motives for starting this thread about a thread are questionable.