to think that most DIVORCE is not always the answer?

[heyhay]

I am new to MN and have found the forum to be very useful. I am a bit concerned though that it seems most women are being told to leave, divorce their partners if they misbehave? AIBU to think that this is too negative?

Hmm, perhaps. I am the polar opposite. I will put up with lot of shit, but the very second you hit me I will leave. Even if I have to kill you to get past you.

There is no way in hell I would allow my children to live through what I had to.

I cannot understand how someone who had experienced it first hand would think differently to me. Would you really want another person to go through what you did?

But then I cannot understand why mum stayed, even after I requested to be put in foster care to get away from him

Oh I agree TBE - it is way more complicated than just leave (been there done that) - but surely if we see an abusive situation from an OP then advising them to leave is reasonable and in many cases necessary.

Oh dear, what a twat. Which forum have you come from OP?

fattiemumma Mon 09-Feb-09 12:50:57

whats worse is that for teh first time i got to experience the violence from an outsiders PoV. it showed me just what my son must have gone through every day.

it makes me feel sick.
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fattiemumma Mon 09-Feb-09 12:36:57

my friend and her partner have had a rocky relationship for some time now. they have been arguing and threatening to split for months.

they have recently started getting anonnymous texts both to her and her partner saying that she has been cheating, its all false but obviously this has added to the stress the relationship was already under.

I have tried being the voice of reason to both of them as i consider them both to be friends. i suggested that they take some time apart and just sort out what it is they want from the relationship.

they agreed over the weekend that he would move out on Sunday.
sunday comes and he seem's to be making no effort to sort his things and so friend says something like "when are you going to start packing?"

a huge row erupts. after lord knows how long my friend calls me in tears, he is blaming me for teh anonnymous texts ( i know he doesn't believe it to be me deep down but he is angry and upset) whilst on the phone i can hear them both screaming and shouting at each other. then she mentions that her DD is still in teh house as he has refused to take her to his mothers for a while. i offer to come and collect her as it is unfair to make her witness such an explosive argument.

I call over and they are stills creaming and shouting. I manage to convince him to take DD to her grans.
I wait for him to return to try and calm them both down enough to speak to each other. individually they could be calmed but as soon as they were together they just exploded into rage again.

next thing i know they areboth upstairs and i hear a crash and bang. i run up to see whats happend and my friend is laying holding her face on the floor. He is sat beside her claiming she punched him.

I tell him to just go as they clearly can't sort anything out like this. i try and usher him downstairs but then he just turns and starts trying to kick at her. i grab him and get between them ( thankfully i am huge and he is physically much smaller than me) but it took every ounce of muscle in my body to stop him from literally stamping on her.
even with me restraining him he continued trying to get at her for a good couple of minutes.

it honestly looked like a scene frm a saturday night drunken brawl. it was awful.

he then left.

I tried to stay strong for the sake of my friend but i was so shaken.
Its been 4 years since i left my ex and i thought i was over it all, but its really bought it all back to me.
i was just glad NM was here when i got back.

Iwould never ever have considered him to be aviolent. i think im just as in shock as my ffriend tbh.

By fattiemumma on Wed 10-May-06 23:17:16
hi sorry if i droan on a bit but i need a couple of monutes to just think about something else.
I had 6 years of extreme violence and sexual abuse from my XP. he is now taking me to court over access to the children and i am trying to stop all contact. there is now to be a fact finding hearing and i have to write a statement.
i have put it off for as long as i can because i just couldnt face having to think about everything that he has done.

its hard for people to understand why i cant just write it all down in order to get hi out of my life for good, but its just not that easy.
I hid what was going on for such a long time just speaking about it openly is difficult. but to sit and write it all down so that its in black and white is just so distressing.

having to remember as many incidents as i can, remembering what was said, how and when he hit me, what he did in order to force himself on me. its the worst thing i have ever had to do and quite frankly on more than one occasion tonight i have wanted to just stop and give in.
I am always asked why i never went to the police about the rapes. my answer has always been becasue it wouyld have been my word against his and i just couldnt cope with being told im lying by somesnotty lawyer...and here i am facing that very prospect.
i cannot beleive he is such a coward he is actually denying everything he has done to me and the children. he never directly hurt the children per se but DS (5) was always there and witnessed far more than he should. he is now left with severe behavioural problems which i beleive are caused by what he has seen.
XP would scream at him that he was not his dad, your slag of a mother will get you a new one. dont try and protect her she's a slag she will have a new bloke in here soon and she'll get rid of you......he was left cowering in teh corner terrified. i am in tears just remembering some of the things that have happened and i am only just about into the 2nd year.
i dont think i can keep going. the amazing thing is that he still phones me to ask em to take him back! and yet he will sit there in court and tel me i am making all this up! there was one time that he raped me and i ended up pregnant ( i know it was from that time as he was not living with me at the time and i certainly wasnt having sex with anyone else) the baby was ectopic ....this sounds awfull but i was almost glad as i just couldnt face the thought of being prgenant around him again and i did not want to be pregnant like that.

i was booked in to terminate the pregnancy the following day. he came round and when i told him it was ectopic he didnt beleive me. he beat me up and punched me in teh stomach. i felt sick and went to the toilet to throw up...he follwed me in and as i was being sick he said " well is it dead then? have i killed the bastard?" this is the man that the courts want me to allow near my kids once a fortnight?
i know i ned to getthis done to have any chance of getting him out of our lives but its just so hard. sorry. i just needed to have a bit of a moan and its so much easier just typing it all into cyberspace than speaking to someone in the flesh about it.

i was trying to find one of my other old posts but found this instead.

it still upstes me now, reading it back.
im posting it because i want you to see the difference a couple of years can make.

I now have a wonderfull lovely Dp who my children and i adore. i am blissfully happy with him and he does everything he can to make me happy.
My Ds' behaviour problems have eased because he is no longer surrounded by such agression.
my life is back on track and i am back to the happy bubbly strong person i was before him.

Life now is shit and you can't see how it will ever get batter, but it will. i promise.
you just need to take that first step

---

just the first couple i came across. neither giving the full story.

in either of these cases should the relationship have just been "worked through" then?

I am very much in favour in fixing relationships. If it doesn't look that way from my posts, it's because a very high proportion of posters in Relationships have lost sight of their basic human rights and are locked into the role of blame-donkey for their partner's criminal abuse of them and their children.

Sometimes I feel a short, sharp shock is appropriate to help the OP get perspective on her situation. More often, it's a long process of gently guiding a fully-trained victim towards recognising that she has the right to live in freedom from fear. Mumsnet has the best forum I've seen for this - a cohort of experienced, compassionate women (and men) who can see 'ugly' for what it is, sympathise with the victim, and don't put principles before the individual.

Like the others, I've lived with domestic abuse nearly all my life. It's had permanent repercussions. In seeking a normal life, free from physical and emotional violence, I've had to learn a lot and have paid high prices - metaphorical and cash - for this learning. I aim to share this with others, so they don't have to suffer in ignorance for as long as I did.

I realise my posts, like some others', look as though I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm not. I read every word of an OP's posts, sometimes several times. I look at them in the light of how I thought when I was in a comparable position, how my abusers thought, and from the viewpoint of my many therapists and many co-patients in groups. I very rarely "tell" an OP what to do. If I do so, it's because I perceive her to be immediate danger. I know the same is true of other experienced respondents.

I've never written a lengthy explanation like this, heyhay, and I don't particularly feel your thread merits it ... perhaps it was just time for me to do this. I can sum my replies up very quickly, though.
Here it is:
If OP isn't being abused, s/he needs to look to their own self.
If OP is being abused, s/he needs to realise their relationship endangers their well-being.
... That's all it is.

x-posts with lots. Reading!

Gig

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Heyhay, answer this. reading QueenGig's post above, do you think he 'misbehaved?

Go on, please answer me that...

gig - hadn't seen that. Gutted for you.
And proud of you!

oh no need.

Its 6 years since i have been free of him. I am now a stronger and more capable person for it.

If giving details of my experience helps other abuse victims see that what they are going through is not ok, that it wont end with an agressive shouting match, at a push or shove, at the throwing of an object.

if giving them the details helps them see that they cannot sort it out by just towing the line, walking on egg shells so as not to upset the husband.

if re posting some of those details help the op of this thread and others that think like her see that sometimes there are seemingly small incidents that having been blessed with hindsight are galringly obvious abusive flashpoints. that in such cases the only option is to advise the woman to leave.

then hey, it was worth every day of it.

The DV apologists really need to come and read Gig's and Grace's posts this evening

By Mamazon on Thu 17-Apr-08 01:50:07
My childrens father was a very abusive man.
you can of course forgive him and allow him back into your life. I did.
I allowed him home after he was arrested for common assault time and time again.
i took him back after he held a knife to my throat, after he punched me in the face, after he slapped/kicked/ punched/pulled my hair.
I took him back after he punched me in the stomach so hard whilst pregnant i miscarried.
I didn't even leave him after the weekly rapes.
And as disgusted as i am to say it, i didnt even leave him after he knocked my then 18motnth old son off the bed because he was trying to protect me.

It took me 6 years to leave.
My son is now considered (by a TOP child psychaitrist) to have such severe anger and behavioural issues caused by the childhood trauma he experianced that unless he has extensive and intensive therapy and councelling he is a danger to the public, especially women.

As bizaar as this sounds (even to me) i still love my ex. I have been away from him for 3 years, and i hate him...but there is a history between us that will never leave me.

You asked what you should do. I cannot answer that for you. Domestic abuse is a very personal thing. for some women the first case of controling behaviour is enough, for others it takes years.

Don't allow yourself to feel guilty if you feel you are not yet strong nough to leave. you will have people who say you deserve all you get if you dont run away. there will be people with no real experiance of DV who say "if someone hit me i would xyz"
It is very easy to say how you would react if you have never been in that position.

I KNOW its not as simple as that.

You know deep down that your relationship as you would like it is over.
It is up to you whether you attempt to try again. if you do i would take thinsg very slowly. don't allow him to move straight back to your home, make sure he seeks councelling for his anggression.

If you decide against taking him back (i think you know what i and the rest of MN wuold like you to do) then you need to speak to someone about your situation. both financial and practicle.

Womens Aid are fantastic. they will not pressurise you into leaving if you dont want to but they will point you in the direction of the help you need whatever decision you make.

If you would liek to talk off board and give some more details about your circumstances i can be of more help....even if its just some sage advice from someone who has been there and done it all before.

----

just to prove i am not a "dump him and run" poster.

The sooner women get out the better. Nearly 11 years of shit I put up with, EA, tantrums, "low level" violence. By the end I was a monster, he became scared of me. My mental health will never get back to normal. Sometimes even now I have to fight the urge to ask him back, for his scraps of kindness. The longer it goes on the worse it is. Women should get out while they are still sane

Agree you should speak to QueenG. Even if you just want a friendly ear, to know someone understands you.

heyhay

this is the point where you come back in and explain that you posted naively and that you completely misjudged the risks of accepting and excusing any form of physical abuse

oops the OP of the other thread should talk to QueenG not this OP .
Fucking confusion you are causing OP

we knew what you meant spikey

Gah, Gig, I think your first c+p post proved you weren't a 'dump him and run poster'

C'mon Heyhay, please do answer my question I posted above. I'm really interested to hear what you have to say.

I think she may have namechanged!

well thats just not cricket.

was interesting reading back some of my old threads though so, i guess i should say thanks

Hey, heyhay, we all read and learn ...
... nothing wrong with saying so :)

I quite regularly have to hold my hands up and say I was a- nob-- wrong

a nob

I don't think she's going to come back.