to think that some women collude in the infantilization of men and to wonder ^why?^

[seeker]

There are SOOOO many threads along the lines of "Where do you buy your dp's clothes?" "Oh, I never take dp shopping with me""What shall I cook for the freezer for dp to eat while I'm having the baby"

WHY????????????

I will have to try to find the secret of caring less!

Trouble is I have always been brought up with a "think of others before yourself" and "you mustn't ever be boastful" way of looking at life.

In fact a couple of years ago I was praising ds for something (can't remember what) when I was with my Mum. She said "You mustn't keep doing that or he will get big-headed"! She just never handed out praise - things were never good enough for her. I do praise ds quite a bit (when he has done well or tried hard at something) and fortunately he already seems to have more confidence than I have ever had.

thanks for sharing your story SoMuchToBits - the bits about being single and feeling your friends with partners don't have so much time for you resonates with me, I often spent many a weekend not talking to anyone except people in shops. But I now know that in fact they probably would have been pleased to hang out with someone other than their DP every so often too!

I know how lucky I am to have got together with DP as I made some very bad choices based on insecurity when I was single. I was 30 when I started going out with him, so the maternal tug wasn't there for me at that point.

I'm sorry that you didn't get much praise from your Mum - but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your DS. That's what I would like to achieve with DD, to give her more confidence than I had when I was young, as my parents weren't brilliant in that respect either.

Parents, eh? Useless bunch

That's one thing I'm really pleased about - that ds has a lot of confidence. And despite the fact that dh doesn't do much on the domestic front, ds is very keen to help, and is very interested in cooking. He is now my "sous chef", and is gradually doing more and more in the kitchen (chopping onions, preparing veg, weoghing stuff out etc). He is nearly 10.

BlackBag - I have always thought that 2 terraces next to each other (or a semi) would be ideal. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live like that, she's got it sussed IMO.

That way, each person retains their own space and because it is the other person's space, I think that barrier, that respect for the person's space and therefore the consideration, remains.

You have to have enough money though...

Funny how your DH got all hurt about the idea and yet immediately fell into exploitative gender roles as soon as the opportunity arose. Does he now understand why the separate terrace looks like an attractive option?

See Somuchtobits that would drive me apeshit - the idea of a man who was keen to help.

I don't want a partner who is keen to help me, because it's my responsibility, I want one who does his fair share and understands that the domestic workload is a shared responsibiilty, not primarily mine. I expect that's why I'm single.

DH prides himself on not being a manly man and that I am not a girly girl but interestingly as soon as we had kids we both entered that steep learning curve with really only the example shown by our parents to guide us.

So my folks worked shifts, fairly equal childcare, Mum/Dad cooked tea put the hoover round etc, I thought that was normal and thats what I expected especially since I'd picked a liberated, politically correct man.

DH parents - PIL worked as a teacher, came home to dinner and tv, Ma stayed at home cooking, cleaning, running around after the kids etc. Weekend meant FIL had to 'rest' or 'get on with jobs' (obviously not childcare jobs but other terribly important 'man' jobs)

DH & I love each other and the DCs but I struggle with the role I now know he expects me to fulfill based on gender expectations.

Next year when the girls are at school I'm building that bloody extension to move into it'll be interesting to see what happens then.

Lol HB, it's ds who is keen to help, not dh! I accept that because he is only almost 10, and is surprisingly good at knowing which things are actually helpful. If dh does cook (which is very rare) I'd rather he did it all himself.

LOL I should have noticed you'd said he was nearly 10 and wondered why your husband was so young...

At a BBQ with all our friends some years ago, my BF piped up to her DH 'I've brought your play shorts for you to change into if you're going to have a kickabout.'

Play shorts