to think that some women collude in the infantilization of men and to wonder ^why?^

[seeker]

There are SOOOO many threads along the lines of "Where do you buy your dp's clothes?" "Oh, I never take dp shopping with me""What shall I cook for the freezer for dp to eat while I'm having the baby"

WHY????????????

I blame my MIL for mine- DP is very capable, and true his best at stuff but when he moved in with me it was like having a child. He didn't know how to-
wash
cook
clean
use a Hoover
use a mop
dry clothes
clean a bathroom

it was a nightmare!!!!!

Now he's very good at stuff, particularly cooking!

I remember as a kid my mother making my brothers sort out the weekly laundry. They hated it, but I remember her bellowing "No woman wants to wash your dirty underpants either!"

OK get this. When my mum goes to see her mum abroad once a year, she buys paper plates so my dad doesn't have to wash up!

at Yule.

DH has now offered to buy me dresses. He has not yet admitted I look like a tramp, but we'll give him time.

I agree with SGM.
Women who facilitate this in their men annoy me more than the men TBH. If I had someone to run around after me and fuss, I'm not sure I'd have the moral fibre to resist such self-indulgence.

I think it is slot to do with how you are raised- my mum bought a separate wash basket for my dad so that he would know why his socks weren't clean. My nan was a hard ass too- once my granda moaned his dinner was never on the table when he got home-
the next day it was there waiting for him....minus the plate!

Totally agree gay40.
It takes two people to create a partnership, and they both have input into how that relationship functions.
I agree it's pathetic when women complain that their partner doesn't do enough, or doesn't do things to the exact same standard or the way in which they'd like them done.
If you want a partner who is an equal, then choose someone who wants that too, and operate your relationship on an equal basis.
On the other hand, if you want someone that you can treat like another child, doing their clothes shopping for them, and organising their life for them, or if you want someone who will be a 'father figure' , going out and being the provider, but expecting to be waited on hand and foot at home, don't complain when You get the relationship you chose!

My mother used to say never take a man straight from his mother. Let him live and survive as an adult for a few years.
Fortunately there seem to be more empowered mothers around who are encouraging their children to be self-reliant.

I think this is where we have the edge. In our house, the jobs are done by the person who can do them better. Gender and social expectation has nothing to do with it.

I man I know well is in a newish relationship after being on his own for a long time and his partner is insisting on doing everything for him. He told me that she even tries to fix his hair for him.

I think in her mind she is making herself indispensible, but she's actually in danger of pushing him away because he is starting to resent it. He finds passive-aggressive ways to resist (I've told him he needs to be more up front with her about it). She ends up feeling unappreciated.

Does this kind of pattern happen the other way round as well?

Love your mum, Gay40!

Totally agree...m DH buys all his own clothes, makes his own packed lunch and does his own ironing....we split the cooking etc.

He is not a child. I also winds me up no end when certain Moters of boys say things like "Boys are harder to potty train" or "Oh boys are just harder work"

All that does is carry on the stupid tradition that boys and men are helpless when it comes to the boring stuff.

My mate buys all her DHs lothing, makes his lunch and worries about how much sleep he gets and then lets him "Be in charge" of the remote!

I agree with Stewie. A power thing and dependency.
Constantly saying that your other half is useless and cant manage to boil an egg is not being loving and caring its horrible.

If a man says that his wife wouldnt cope with working or driving and hes happy to do it for her 'because you know women are useless at it, ha ha ha' we wouldn't call him 'loving and caring' , we would call him 'control freak'.

The 'freezer' thing is pissing me off. I don't believe that anyone over the age of 10 cant make an omellete or boil some pasta or grill 2 sausages.

I do all these things for DH not because he is not capable but because it's the right dynamic for our family. I don't for a minute condone domestic spousal abuse of any kind but I get a little ticked off that I'm seen as a doormat because I live a more traditional marriage than most nowadays.

DH is a wonderful provider, hard working, caring, loving man. He is my best friend. I am happy to do his washing, cooking, cleaning and whatever else he want done because he is more than deserving.

In my absence (sp) he can do all of these things and will quite often cook dinner if the notion takes him because he likes to cook. I work part time and he is more than capable of looking after himself but when I come home I like to look after him.

That's not infantilization, it's mutual respect and love within the boundaries of our marriage.

I think Hassledg has put it best.
You see the same phenomenon at work when women excuse cheating partners by solely blaming the other woman. Men are not kittens to be led away by any woman trailing a shiney necklace. Unless your partner has actually been diagnosed with actual impulse-control problems/is in hospital for those legally pronounced insane, it jolly well WAS his fault.

YANBU and very much agree that it helps to be with someone who has lived away from the parental, so that even if they didn't learn basic skills at home, they've acquired them.

There are so many threads on here with women defending men who don't have the first clue when it comes to looking after their kids, and who don't share the load at all. I mean, actually defending it!!

Everyone has the relationship they want. If you have a feckless bloke who can't function properly as an adult, and you don't want that, then do something about it.

But Cookie, the whole point of the thread was not people like you, who agree your DH can do this stuff - it's people who pretend their perfectly capable partners can't do simple tasks.

I think it does work the other way too - I know women who insist they couldn't ring up the garage about the car or do the finances, and take an equally odd pride in being helpless.

Excellent post laquitar. There is often a double standard here- it's somehow charming and amusing to say your dh can't dress the baby or peel a spud, yet if men dismissed women 's abilities in the same way, it would be seen for what it is: ie disrespectful

My DH was in the military for several years and then worked as a contract pilot, living for months in various far flung countries and looking after himself. He is far better than I am at things like ironing (I am the one who pretends I don't know how to do it ). He does all the cooking these days, and looks after the baby two days a week. He also does the accounts, VAT records etc for my business. He can basically turn his hand to anything although I do buy his clothes ((because he will never buy himself anything nice if I left it up to him!).

I have no idea how I survived before I met him!

YANBU; if you both choose to split the workload a certain way because it works for your family then that's a totally different issue, but if you're making out you have to do things that way because your poor DP is too pathetic to do it (excluding health issues) then you aren't doing yourself, your DP or your kids any favours.

YANBU The other day a friends of mine was telling me she never "lets her husband do the laundry" because he can't do that kind of thing. She also buys all of his clothing. I think it is weird. Imagine if your husband didn't let you buy your own clothing, how controlling is that.

cookie personally i don't have problem with arrangements like yours.
My problem is with women who choose to do it in order to control and play the victim aswell and as sisters we suppose to be on her side. I know few like this in RL. Very manipulative.

Cookie your dynamic sounds absolutely fine, no one us saying it's wrong to so things for your DH, just that it's wrong for the situation or the perception to be that he is incapable of doing them himself.

Those of you blaming MILs- after a certain point an adult has to take responsibility for themselves. And I hope you are teaching your sons and daughters how to take care of themselves.

I didn't infantilise XH. He was already an idiot.

I don't agree with the OP - I never see threads on those lines!