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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil for christmas again. sigh.

101 replies

milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:26

I know I'm being unreasonable but..

MIL is alone (divorced) and always comes to us. She mentions from August how she can't go to other family- too noisy, too far etc. I invited her several weeks ago to come on Christmas Day late morning as we won't be eating or unwrapping until the evening and have just received this email:

"Hi DSIL has phoned and told me that you are all going to them on Christmas Eve and would I like to go too, Is it convenient for you to have me to come up on Christmas Eve and go to DSIB's with you lot and then come back to yours overnight ?

I could go to DBIL on CE and stay there but there is a problem on C morning as DFIL has been asked to them and DBIL can't cope with Dad and I being there together, you know I am not good at driving from DBIL to you so hope I can come CE to you.

Oh families and Christmas! I would have gone to (her sister's) but they have (unlikely but insurmountable other engagement)."

Coming to us on Christmas Eve will completely change the dynamic. She'll be here late morning and that means that 'Show Christmas' rather than 'happy but messy preparation' starts then. I feel railroaded, particularly by that end bit- 'families and Christmas!'... I invited her!

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 26/11/2010 12:29

why cant you alternate the same as most families do?

If you really dont want her to stay overnight then dont do it... and if you dont want this to become the 'normal thing' to happen on Christmas Eve dont start doing it now.

What does your DH think of it all?

NeverEatYellowTaintedSnow · 26/11/2010 12:30

What do you mean by 'show Christmas'? How much of an imposition is this going to be?

Unless she is particularly demanding, I would probably let her come to you. She sounds like she's probably very lonely and wanting to reach out to someone.

faverolles · 26/11/2010 12:31

You invited her for Christmas day from late morning.
Could you just say that it isn't convenient for her to go to sil with you (make believe friends you're seeing on the way, or something like that?), but you're really looking forward to seeing her on Christmas day?

coolascucumber · 26/11/2010 12:34

I sympathise, I have had MIL for last 13 years, she arrives a couple of days before Christmas and stays for at least 3 days after Christmas. I never feel relaxed when she is here even though she really is quite nice in lots of ways and kids love having her here. DH's sister had her the previous 13 years so maybe we are taking it in turn. Would love a year off so that we could go skiing or spend the money on doing something rather than buying gifts and eating too much.

Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:40

Thank you so much for replies, alternating would be the answer, but it would be her to us 1 year, her alone next.

Jax DH would rather she came as late as possible, the email was sent to him btw, so he's not completely uninvolved!

faverolles you're right and friends on the way could be the answer

Nevereat our Christmas Eve= shopping, cleaning (mainly cleaning) fish and chips if we have time. Hers= sitting eating canapes listening to carols.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 26/11/2010 12:49

Well, if she comes to you on Christmas Eve, then she has to prepare the sprouts, vacuum the hall, mind the DC while you shop etc. Her coming to you should not mean you having to completely change your planned schedule to accomodate her.

NeverEatYellowTaintedSnow · 26/11/2010 12:52

Ah okay, well in that case, I would probably say she is welcome but on the condition that she fits in with what you are doing. IMO if you wish to join in with someone else's household, you do that fully.

I wouldn't like to exclude someone who was lonely, though I don't think you'd be in the wrong if you did, I would just make sure she knows she's not going to be the centre of things.

Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:55

AMum you too are right! But.. I hate it when the (whiney) OP has an answer to everything, but in this case that doesn't work either. The DCs are too old have outgrown her and despite nearly 20 years of trying various techniques of 'cohousekeeping' with her she will have me tightlipped and miserable within minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:57

coolas I feel your pain. Wink

OP posts:
Ormirian · 26/11/2010 13:00

Really? I prefer turkey.

Grin
curlymama · 26/11/2010 13:04

Could you really not have just said 'No, I'm afraid it won't be convenient, but we are looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Day'

She won't be lonely, she could make her own way to SIL's on CE, and her own way to yours on the day.

LilRedWG · 26/11/2010 13:05

DH received the email, DH doesn't want her early, ergo DH must tell her.

Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 13:07

Actually, we were going to have 8 legs of venison, would that be too dear?

Doesn't really work written down Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 13:11

I should go with curlymama's plan.

I will make that call- to DH.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 26/11/2010 13:17

LOL

GiraffeYoga · 26/11/2010 13:23

I feel your pain (have been there) but I think you should swallow it and let her come early. She is alone, and has sent a nice email asking. It's christmas and its time to be nice. Im sure she wont care about "show" xmas but just being there.

This sounds like my mum's circumstances (althogh she'd never invite her self) and I'd hate to think of her being alone for the reasons given.

Hope you get it sorted though

Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 13:26

But giraffe she won't alone she'll be with her other Son before she comes to us for the 5th year running!

OP posts:
GiraffeYoga · 26/11/2010 13:33

oh ok- sorry didnt read properly.

Alone, not driving bit made me biased as it reminded me of my mum Blush

I know the IL pain very well....

fruitful · 26/11/2010 13:38

Can you tell her you'll be spending CE cleaning and having fish&chips, and you know she doesn't like all that so you think it would be best if she didn't come. Say "we've tried it before, haven't we, and it really doesn't work, we have different expectations of CE. Families and Christmas! I agree. Hope you get CE sorted, looking forward to seeing you CDay"

Original poster
milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 13:53

fruitful I would love to steam roller her right back; the email pre-empts all my excuses- not wanting to drive the route from DBIL to us, avoiding ex H the following day.

I feel manipulated Sad

OP posts:
fruitful · 26/11/2010 14:11

Ah, in that case, you need to email with "Sorry, it isn't convenient, see you on CDay" or even "No, we don't want to do that. See you on CDay".

I find the last is much the best for manipulators. There is no arguing with it.

Well, I guess if she's really manipulative then that is the point when she'll start crying. A rellie did that to me once, and as I knew it was put on, I just stood there watching till they stopped.

fruitful · 26/11/2010 14:13

Just looked at the email. She says "Is it convenient for you to have me to come up on Christmas Eve".

Thats easy then.

"No, it isn't convenient". Don't elaborate, you get tied up in knots if you do.

diddl · 26/11/2010 14:18

If she's with her other son, why cant she also have CD with him?

I would tell her no re CE-and it isn't up to you to invite her to that anyway, is it?

idlingabout · 26/11/2010 14:21

The OPs Mil is being totally unreasonable as it would appear her so-called being alone is self imposed - too far, too noisy`. What on earth does the latter mean?
She is being damned cheeky expecting you to ferry her around - will there be room in your car for all of you plus her?

frgr · 26/11/2010 14:22

fruitful, I agree with you. It sounds like this is a case where just telling the truth and being as short as possible/to the point really is the best thing. "No, we don't want to do that. Looking forward to seeing you at [pre-arranged time in the afternoon]."

Really, sometimes on threads like these I feel like writing in bold capital letters: DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. YOU ARE NBU. IF SHE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT, it's HER problem!

Grr, family.