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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil for christmas again. sigh.

101 replies

milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:26

I know I'm being unreasonable but..

MIL is alone (divorced) and always comes to us. She mentions from August how she can't go to other family- too noisy, too far etc. I invited her several weeks ago to come on Christmas Day late morning as we won't be eating or unwrapping until the evening and have just received this email:

"Hi DSIL has phoned and told me that you are all going to them on Christmas Eve and would I like to go too, Is it convenient for you to have me to come up on Christmas Eve and go to DSIB's with you lot and then come back to yours overnight ?

I could go to DBIL on CE and stay there but there is a problem on C morning as DFIL has been asked to them and DBIL can't cope with Dad and I being there together, you know I am not good at driving from DBIL to you so hope I can come CE to you.

Oh families and Christmas! I would have gone to (her sister's) but they have (unlikely but insurmountable other engagement)."

Coming to us on Christmas Eve will completely change the dynamic. She'll be here late morning and that means that 'Show Christmas' rather than 'happy but messy preparation' starts then. I feel railroaded, particularly by that end bit- 'families and Christmas!'... I invited her!

OP posts:
Chathappy · 27/11/2010 10:49

I'm afraid I'm with the yabu camp here. I hope my boys marry lovely dil that make me feel welcome around the festive period and not make me feel like I'm just 'getting in the way'. These type of threads always make me feel very sad too Sad

My pil are welcome as long as they want over Christmas, it's nice for them to spend lots of time with the grandkids and, yes, it can be a bit hard work and the house does get a bit crazy but that's all part and parcel of it being Christmas in my eyes Grin

pickledsiblings · 27/11/2010 10:58

We always go to MIL's house. It is not my ideal scenario but I do it out of love and respect for both my DH and his parents. I don't feel like a martyr but I do hope that one day my own DC and their partners will have as much respect for me.

clam · 27/11/2010 11:01

Your DH, her son, has emailed her to say you're all too busy for her to come a bit earlier.

Nice.

Happy Christmas.

diddl · 27/11/2010 11:15

The way I see it, if MIL hasn´t been invited to someone else´s CE get together, it´s not up to OP to invite her.

It´s is is hard with a lone parent.
My Dad comes every other year for 4wks at Christmas.

If we were in UK I would have him Christmas Day, Boxing Day, but wouldn´t feel bad about him being on his own CE.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/11/2010 11:49

This makes me so so sad.

My Mum has had my grandma, her MIL, here for Christmas every year for the last 11 years since my grandpa died.
Yes she can be hard work, and gets harder work as she gets older. She doesn't drive far and lives 70 miles away from my parents, so my Dad goes to fetch her.
My grandma lives very close to my aunt, her daughter. But she is disorganised and flakey and my grandma finds staying there over Christmas very unsettling, so that is why she goes to my parents.

The worst part of what you have said is that your children have 'outgrown' her. What the hell does that mean? You don't outgrow your grandparents - or you don't if your parents help to facilitate a good relationship and instil respect.

I think you are being selfish, and mean and I wonder how you will feel when one day your own children decide they can't be bothered to include you properly over the festive season.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/11/2010 11:56

In terms of practicalities, why can't you still do the things you were planning? Or compromise - eat fish and chips while you listen to some carols.

Involve her - reply and say 'yes that would be lovely, seeing as we are all at SILs for a while we will have to do the prep for Xmas day when we get back - I'm sure you won't mind helping me with the sprouts/spuds'.
She is part of the family surely, not really a 'visitor' as such?

moulesvinrouge · 27/11/2010 11:57

I agree with Alibaba - sometimes we all have to do things that aren't entirely ideal to how we'd like to run the world. I don't think in the long run you're setting your dcs up to include YOU in their family life by saying it's okay to ditch grandma because she gets in the way. Good luck for Christmas 2030!

Original poster
milforchristmas · 27/11/2010 12:41

It was silly of me to put this in AIBU,

alibaba I can't see how she's not being included- she wants to leave one son early to come to another (us) and that will be tricky in terms of space, preparation and me relaxing. But she will now probably end up with us here from early o'clock CE. we will all be lovely but it won't be our Christmas done the way like it, going to church when we would like to opening unwrapping and eating when we want to.

Grandma's not being ditched and if anything I worry that I'm setting my DCs up to be too accommodating other people's needs ahead of their own. As you say we'll see in 2030.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 27/11/2010 12:50

You sound so selfish. Why do you go to church? You don't sound very Christian? How is having an open invitation to your children's grandmother setting them up to be too accommodating to other people's needs? You obviously don't like her and can't be bothered, unless it's on your terms. Horrible.

immortalbeloved · 27/11/2010 12:55

YANBU

I really think you should stick to your original plan.

She has been invited to christmas, why shouldn't you have a bit of time when you can relax and enjoy things

Christmas is about families, and it's lovely to be as kind and welcoming as you can be, but it's not about being a martyr. I have boys and I would much rather spend time alone and wait till I am welcomed than force myself into thier time with their new families

I really think that as important as extended family is, spending special time with your little nuclear family is just as important, and probably something that most of the parents and PILS on these threads were lucky enough to enjoy

immortalbeloved · 27/11/2010 12:59

Why is the OP being selfish and not the MIL? Genuine question, why is one persons happiness automatically more important than the others?

It might make the OP happy to have all of christmas without her MIL there, but she has compromised- why is it too much to ask for the MIL to do the same?

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 27/11/2010 13:03

FFS do some people not read the thread or do they just read the bits that fit in with their posts.

The op's mil is not on her own on CE, she is with her other ds. I can just see the post from him "My dm would rather spend both CE & CD with my db and his dw than spend CE with me and my dw. AIBU to be upset at this?"

clam · 27/11/2010 13:06

"that will be tricky in terms of space, preparation and me relaxing"
Why is space an issue on Christmas Eve, but not on Christmas Day itself? Why can you not prepare while she's about? And get her to help?

"it won't be our Christmas done the way we like it, going to church when we would like to, opening unwrapping and eating when we want to."
Why on earth not? You're the hostess, so srely you decide when meals happen and the order of events like church and presents etc.. (although I'm wondering how you're going to be able to sit in church and absorb messages about goodwill to all men without blushing, to be honest).

"But she will now probably end up with us here from early o'clock CE."
Well, not any more, as your DH has emailed her and told her she's not welcome. He might have dressed it up a bit, bt that's the bottom line of it.

As I said, Happy Christmas.

Tabliope · 27/11/2010 13:11

immortal it's family. It shouldn't be such a big deal having the mother of your husband there. Presumably spending special time with your little nuclear family happens at other times throughout the year. It's what happens when you marry someone with a parent. The MIL wants to spend time with her family. It's not every weekend throughout the year. She'll probably sit in the corner watching her grandkids opening their presents. Not a big deal imo. You reap what you sow in life so I agree with alibaba and moules, I think the OP can expect a timeslot offered on xmas day 2030 and I hope she remembers why. I know people that invite friends, friends of friends and complete strangers on xmas day rather than see them on their own. That to me is what the spirit of xmas is about, not timetabling the mother of your DH so you can have your perfect xmas - going to church as well, makes me laugh, so hypocritical.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 27/11/2010 13:17

The mil is spending time with her family, she's spending CE with her other ds. Or is it okay for the mil to effectively tell her other ds that she would rather spend time with his brother than with him? Hmm

stripeywoollenhat · 27/11/2010 13:31

really nbu. my dp's mum spends every christmas with us, four or five days. dp doesn't have any siblings, her mum's a widow, there are no options. i would really like to have a christmas without comments about how much people eat and pursed lips whenever the tv is turned on, but that's just not how it's going to be. i think if your dh's mum has another child, they should have her some christmases: you do have a right to have an occasional relaxing christmas too.

and i don't expect dd - and her partner, if she has one, whose mother i am not -to have me every christmas when i'm an old bird. that's not why i had her, i'm always amazed by these people who feel such a sense of entitlement.

clam · 27/11/2010 13:47

This thread is depressing me. Too many people reinforcing my suspicion that we have become a nation of selfish so-and-so's who are mainly concerned about number one and our "rights" to have whatever we want and bugger anyone else's feelings.

I'm off.

MadamDeathstare · 27/11/2010 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mugggletoeandwine · 27/11/2010 13:57

I agree too.
DD is only 9 but I'm single and plan to stay that way, and she's an only, and I swear I will not put any pressure on her at Christmas when she's an adult.
If she wants to spend the day with friends or her DP's family if she settles down, then fine.
It's up to me to make my own life without her once she's flown the nest, not make her miserable by insisting on being there and then behaving like a mean old goat.

lucky1979 · 27/11/2010 14:00

I think you lost me when you said that your children had outgrown her. Hope they never outgrow you, eh?

Truckulent · 27/11/2010 14:04

My mum is at mine for christmas and for all she's done for me and my siblings it's the least I can do. I'd drive a 1000 miles to get her and she can stay forever if she wants.

diddl · 27/11/2010 15:12

OP-has your MIL been invited to the get together on CE?

If so, then could you fetch her just in time for that?

If she hasn´t been invited, why is she asking if she can go?

And OP, I know what you mean about the children have outgrown her.

My teenagers currently find GPs a trial.

scaryteacher · 27/11/2010 15:25

I'm having my ils for 10 days over Christmas to give my dbil and his wife a break as they deal with them all year round as we are abroad. I'm not looking forward to it as there have been major problems this year, but I guess if I fill them full of gin and sit them on the sofa to peel the sprouts, they'll be OK.

FranSanDisco · 27/11/2010 16:01

I don't think yabu. Why can't her other son drive her over to you xmas morning before his father arrives? I don't see why you have to accommodate her for CE night.

moulesvinrouge · 27/11/2010 16:31

They are their GRANDPARENTS diddl. If they find old people a trial, they have been instilled with a lovely way to act, haven't they?!

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