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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil for christmas again. sigh.

101 replies

milforchristmas · 26/11/2010 12:26

I know I'm being unreasonable but..

MIL is alone (divorced) and always comes to us. She mentions from August how she can't go to other family- too noisy, too far etc. I invited her several weeks ago to come on Christmas Day late morning as we won't be eating or unwrapping until the evening and have just received this email:

"Hi DSIL has phoned and told me that you are all going to them on Christmas Eve and would I like to go too, Is it convenient for you to have me to come up on Christmas Eve and go to DSIB's with you lot and then come back to yours overnight ?

I could go to DBIL on CE and stay there but there is a problem on C morning as DFIL has been asked to them and DBIL can't cope with Dad and I being there together, you know I am not good at driving from DBIL to you so hope I can come CE to you.

Oh families and Christmas! I would have gone to (her sister's) but they have (unlikely but insurmountable other engagement)."

Coming to us on Christmas Eve will completely change the dynamic. She'll be here late morning and that means that 'Show Christmas' rather than 'happy but messy preparation' starts then. I feel railroaded, particularly by that end bit- 'families and Christmas!'... I invited her!

OP posts:
Animation · 27/11/2010 16:38

"They are their GRANDPARENTS"

Whoa - that's an emotionally loaded statement!

mamatomany · 27/11/2010 16:44

My MIL is a miserable old git but this year I plan to set her to work snuggling the baby who just wants to be held all the time, is there something like that you could do with yours ? Put her in charge of something ?
I console myself with the fact that she'll not be here forever and it's our job to make her last (15 knowing my luck) Christmas' joy filled.

babybear5 · 27/11/2010 16:48

i really feel for you. I have the same problem here. mil has moved to the bottom of our street last year to be near us (can't think why!)We in scotland, all other family in England so we have no option but to invite her grudgingly every year now. She to is divorced. We don't get along too well because she is loud and interfering and meddles with me bringing up my dc's. She trys to get an invite over xmas eve so i simply tell her it would be so much nicer to see the gdc's on xmas day when santa has been. before that they will be too excited and will have no time for anyone..Wink
Worked up until now...altho i have been known to allow an hour before kids bed on xmas eve. Same problem all over again for new year!!!!!!!!!!!

ivykaty44 · 27/11/2010 16:51

take us as you find us and muck in and help with hoovering and getting xmas day dinner all prepared

I would think she is lonely and would rather not wake up to an empty house on christams morning.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 27/11/2010 17:59

The mil doesn't have to be alone on Christmas morning. She can stay overnight at her other ds's house and then go to the op's house later. I don't know why some posters seem to be determined to ignore this fact Hmm

Then there's also the fact that there is other family that she could go to but refuses.

Tabliope · 27/11/2010 18:09

chaotic, you seem to ignored the fact that the OP says the MIL doesn't want to stay over at her other ds's as she wants to avoid seeing her ex husband on Christmas morning

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/11/2010 18:25

I'm unclear why people think the OP is being selfish and not the MIL?

The MIL wants to come early because she does not want to be in a noisy household. Not because she will be alone. MIL is thinking of what she wants.

I do think, really, it sounds as if the MIL just wants to be with the OP and family and is trying to find a way to make that happen.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 27/11/2010 18:25

I'm not ignoring it. I'm thinking along the lines of that she could set out from her other ds's and drive over to the op's house christmas morning.

Original poster
milforchristmas · 27/11/2010 18:26

Mil won't be alone on CD morning, she'll be at BIL's or us. Ex Fil not there until later in the day.

I'm sure she'll end up with us as the email back from us just said that we might not be around on CE and prob. not going to BIl's via our house.

I've since left a answerphone message saying sorry I was panicking about arrangements and I'm sure we can accommodate whatever suits.

This happens every year, it is flattering that she'd like to be here and contrary to the impression I might have given it will be a lovely day.

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/11/2010 18:38

she doesn't want to stay at the other house as her ex is turning up there on xmas day - the other relatives don't want her to stay and have a fictious event to attend

ENormaSnob · 27/11/2010 18:47

She will be leaving before the ex gets there so not really an issue.

I still think the mil is bu rather than the op.

Unless I missed the memo that stipulates the world revolves around this woman.

clam · 27/11/2010 19:18

I'm just glad I'm not a member of this family. I'm struggling to see why the MIL would want to visit at all, to be honest.

My objection to this is not about the logistics of whether or not she could drive to BILs or arrive late Christmas morning, or whether she helps with the sprouts or listens to the carols or blah di blah.

It's just the whole mean spiritedness (is that a word?) of it all. Posters talking about whether the MIL is being selfish for asking to come a bit earlier TO HER OWN FAMILY, and about people's "right" to this or that at Christmas and a man who's been persuaded by his wife to brush off his own mother at Christmas and let her know, not very subtly, that she is not really wanted.

Charming.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 27/11/2010 19:53

YABU. I have one son & one daughter & hate the thought of either of them not wanting me for one night... But I hope to think that I have reared them right.

If it makes any difference, DH & I had been married 14 years, have had his only sister, her dh, mil, fil and dh's granny for the past 8 of them.... not always convenient, not always relaxing, but by God I wouldn't have it any other way, our DC would miss out on lovely family Christmasses if I vetoed it :(

Tabliope · 27/11/2010 20:24

clam is right it's the mean spiritedness of it all that struck me and the two-faced bit about going to church.

SkylineDrifter · 28/11/2010 00:53

MIL asked, so far as I can see, quite politely, if the arrangement would suit, and she's been turned into the motherinlaw from Hell! Poor woman! If she could only read what her DIL is writing here, I'm pretty sure she'd be making herself scarce not only on CE but on CD itself.

How terribly terribly selfish you are OP.

ClimberChick · 28/11/2010 05:32

Why does asking politely for something mean that you can't say no. The OP is not making out that she is MIL form hell, but is admitting that this arrangement will make her uncomfortable.

diddl · 28/11/2010 07:05

"If they find old people a trial, they have been instilled with a lovely way to act, haven't they?!"

Did I say that they acted badly around them?

Just that after my father has been here for four weeks should I say that the novelty has worn off-for all of us!

I think that MIL was rather rude to invite herself along tbh.

Sometimes I like to get together with my sister & bil & we don´t want our parents there!

OP-how long have they been divorced?
Would be so awful for her to see her ex in passing?

diddl · 28/11/2010 07:08

"Why does asking politely for something mean that you can't say no."

Because it´s ChristmasGrin

Animation · 28/11/2010 08:27

Yes, heavens forbid if she sees the X in passing.

A polite and friendly "hello" to her X might lighten up the Christmas spirit for all concerned.

Morloth · 28/11/2010 09:17

I always wonder on these NIL threads if people realise that their kids are watching and learning how to interact with their parents/Inlaws when they are adults.

Original poster
milforchristmas · 28/11/2010 09:29

Morloth my kids aren't watching. I've not discussed it with them- I'm on here instead!Grin

Upshot is that I've called and apologised for email saying we'd rather stick to original plans and that she is of course welcome to come to us early, which she is doing.

It will be fine, I'll have to prepare earlier.

My Op did state that I felt bad feeling unreasonable wanting a nuclear family start to CD not wanting to start 24 hours earlier, but that is what is happening now and it will be fine.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/11/2010 10:06

Now-to get the Christmas that you want next year!

2rebecca · 28/11/2010 10:32

Just do what you'd normally do regardless of her. If you want to go to church go, if you don't don't, I got the feeling she wanted church but you didn't in which case drop her off.
I think it's difficult as you sound as though you don't like her and having people to stay who you don't like is never pleasant, the fact that she's your husband's mother doesn't change that.
I'd have stuck with having her round xmas morning to be honest. It's your xmas too. It does sound as though she wants everyone to run round after her.
If you're having her earlier then get her helping and do things the way you want. Let her help with tidying and see the mess.
I don't do "show Christmas". If relatives come to me they are usually helpful relatives I can get to muck in. Get her to.
Every year seems alot though.

Onetoomanycornettos · 28/11/2010 10:51

I feel like you, Clam, it's all about 'rights' and wanting to be alone, and not have family around except the nuclear family, and 'outgrowing' grandparents. It's so alien to the way I think. My MIL is a pain in the butt sometimes, but I hate to think I would ever make her feel unwelcome and believe me, she will have got the message.

So, it's all resolved, you don't have to sit with her for a whole evening and she drives on Christmas Day. Perhaps she didn't feel like driving. My great-gran has just given up her car and our family drives all the 'older' ones about everywhere, to the hairdressers, to see each other, to hospital. Perhaps you could have offered to pick her up...

Georgimama · 28/11/2010 10:59

I don't think either of you are being selfish, really. My mother comes to us every Christmas - one of my brothers lives in Australia and although she goes out there every year she doesn't go for Xmas (except once she did) because she is a pensioner and the flights for Christmas are prohibitively expensive.

My other brother has never invited her to spend Christmas with them, so it's us or she's alone. She can be a bit of a pain in that she tries to railroad and set the agenda (I think the instinct to be mother and in charge just overrides what would be polite in anyone else's house) but we find the easiest way is to smile and pour her another drink. DS adores her and he would suffer if she wasn't there. Also she isn't getting any younger and I don't know how much longer I will have her. My SIL's mother died this year and she was younger than my mum.

(Before anyone asks I would actually love DH's parents to come to us too, menkle as they are, but they won't).