Mil for christmas again. sigh.

[milforchristmas]

I know I'm being unreasonable but..

MIL is alone (divorced) and always comes to us. She mentions from August how she can't go to other family- too noisy, too far etc. I invited her several weeks ago to come on Christmas Day late morning as we won't be eating or unwrapping until the evening and have just received this email:

"Hi DSIL has phoned and told me that you are all going to them on Christmas Eve and would I like to go too, Is it convenient for you to have me to come up on Christmas Eve and go to DSIB's with you lot and then come back to yours overnight ?

I could go to DBIL on CE and stay there but there is a problem on C morning as DFIL has been asked to them and DBIL can't cope with Dad and I being there together, you know I am not good at driving from DBIL to you so hope I can come CE to you.

Oh families and Christmas! I would have gone to (her sister's) but they have (unlikely but insurmountable other engagement)."

Coming to us on Christmas Eve will completely change the dynamic. She'll be here late morning and that means that 'Show Christmas' rather than 'happy but messy preparation' starts then. I feel railroaded, particularly by that end bit- 'families and Christmas!'... I invited her!

my mil has been coming to me on chritmas eve until boxing day for 20 years or so, i think it's too long and it winds me up but it is christmas and not a time to be selfish imoho!!

Nict to see it written down and have some affirmation that we are being 'played' now just need to make that call..

I don't know, in these sorts of situations I imagine myself in MIL's place in 30 years time or whatever. I hope if I'm on my own then my son and his partner would like to have me to stay over Christmas.

It may not be perfect, you may feel you have to put on a "show" (does she?) but she's your H's MUM and if she is on her own, Christmas, and especially Christmas Eve is a lonely time.

Clearly rules are different for truly toxic family but she doesn't fall into this category from your description.

are you definately going to SIL's on C eve? couldn't you just say, "sorry, we're not going to SILs, hope you have a great time and we'll see you on C day, am I right we're expecting you at X o'clock?"

Then next year, around june time, book to go skiing/sit on a carribean beach for Christmas week next year...

kaiser I'm not being selfish. She was invited to spend Christmas day (again) with us and is now trying to arrive early, getting in lots of guilt trippy excuses as to why she can't drive 5 miles across London on C D.

I predict if I say 'no,see you Christmas Day' she'll opt out of CE with BIL and come straight here on CD; I just need to work out its worth the agro.

Fayrazzled She's not on her own. I have invited her on Christmas Day, she now wants to come 24 hours early.

fakeplastictrees I've accepted SIL's offer and I must admit when she called I had alarm bells ringing and couldn't put my finger on the reason.... paranoia!

I really love to spend the morning on Christmas day, with just my DH and DCs. It completely changes the dynamic of the day if you have someone staying.

I think that I would say that I am stopping off to see friends on the way and have no room in the car as you are dropping things off to said friends, but will see her CD as arranged.

IF MIL has other places to go, then I don't see how OP is being selfish tbh.

I would say, as others have suggested, yes, you can come but we'll be busy cleaning/whatever else so if you can give a hand that would be much appreciated.

Don't change the way you'd do anything, which is what seems to be stressing you out?

Seeing as though you have had her for the last 5 years can't bil drop her off Xmas morn before fil gets there?

Not fair it should all fall on you IMO

To be honest I do think Christmas is a time for family - all family - and maybe she hints from August onwards because she really enjoys all of your company and would be devastated if she knew you didn't want her? I know it changes the dynamic but she is clearly lonely - and saying your dcs have outgrown her is just a bit silly - I'm 36 and would love to see my grandparents but sadly they aren't around any more.

5 miles - is that all????

She I think you can say it doesn't suit. If she had a long trip on CD then I would probably say that's a bit mean.
But worried about driving 5 miles - FGS! Christms day is one of the quietest days to drive around london - remind her about that.

Hmm, you know I'm afraid I think YABU.

I know you feel manipulated, and I hate that too, but really. How can you not let her come? And if you did call and say no (dressed up however you like, but bottom line is "no, we don't want you"), are you really going to be able to sit and have a guilt-free Christmas Eve and Christmas morning?
Swallow your indignation, tell her it's going to be hectic (and noisy?? ) and sh'ell have to take you as she finds you, and grit your teeth through it.
And pre-empt it next year!

I think the mil is bu more than the op.

She refuses other options and won't drive 5miles so the op has to accomodate???

The bil could be doing more too IMO

milforchristmas, I did read your post so know you've invited your MIL for CD. I guess I just don't see the hardship in her coming for C E too. Evening/ night-times are lonely if you are on your own (by which I mean without a partner). Perhaps she just loves spending time with your family.

But you clearly don't want to, and if that's the case she'll know from your attitude even if you do invite her. So tell her no, but don't expect her not to be hurt.

"Perhaps she just loves spending time with your family."

Which is lovely for her.

But how about if OP doesn´t enjoy it?

Why should she put up with it year after year?

OP-could you offer to fetch her CD so that she stays with BIL CE?

Say that you "will be very busy getting ready for Christmas Day on Christmas Eve and that you would rather keep to your original plans to avoid being completely frazzled."

Time for the best comment I've ever read here:

"'No' is a complete sentence."

Thank you all for your advice. I don't feel kind being so prescriptive but I as I said her presence does make stress me out and we're saying no to mid morning CE rather than casting her out in the snow for Christmas- she's heartily welcome her from CD, which will probably be fron 10.

Bonsoir that's about what we've gone for. DH has sent an email to that effect.

Fayrazzle she won't be alone CE but with other son.

diddl I'm not offering to collect her, as relaxed as we are planning Christmas Day to be I will be quite busy!

Fingers crossed she's not upset and Christmas will be relaxed and jolly for all.

QoP and

I wish!

The season of goodwill...except for mother-in-laws.

I feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry for her too. She's family, not a guest where she should only be there for the 'show' part of xmas. Hate the thought that my future DIL (if I get one) would feel like this about me and timetable me in (and that my son would allow it).

OP YANBU I sympathise.

Don't change your plans just send a polite reply back saying it's not convenient and you're looking forward to seeing her Christmas day.

My MiL had never bothered learning to drive so she's with us from CE until Boxing Day when we're having to drop her off back in yorkshire on our way to Cheshire to see my parents, we live in Manchester. I feel obliged to have her this year as we didn't see her last year and have had to do it like this as neither DH or BiL ever sort it out and just leave it til the last minute and then it's all chaotic and stressful. Really really pisses me off that single childless BiL will never step up and offer to have her CD or drive her over to ours himself (lives in same town as her) but is a totally selfish arse instead and f**ks off abroad each year