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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that ds is being cruelly excluded?

85 replies

AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:35

Ds (6) has been going to a local under 7's football club for about 6 weeks now. Most of the boys that go are from his class at school. We have been paying the subs like everyone else. All the other lads there have club football tops and are registered to play.

Last week dh asks the coach when ds will be registered and get his top etc, coach says "he's not ready to play for team so I won't be registering him yet". Another lad who joined at the same time has been registered. So ds is the only lad at training who doesn't have a club top and isnt registered.

This week the coach has all the parents in a huddle when I arrive to collect ds from training, talking about the christmas do. He hands all the parents a letter apart from me Hmm On the way home ds asks why I havent got a letter about the Christmas do, all of his friends are going...

I have looked at taking him to other more inclusive clubs but DS really loves playing football with his friends and is getting better the more he goes. He would be really unhappy about leaving this club.

I am going to speak to the coach (a 19 year old who has no idea about what 6 and 7 year olds need).

AIBU to feel that this is isn't fair?

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltByElves · 26/11/2010 10:36

It's horrible and I would be fuming.

JodiesMummy · 26/11/2010 10:37

YANBU - coach sounds cruel and insensitive.

Hullygully · 26/11/2010 10:37

It's certainly odd. And horrid.

Maybe he isn't yet ready to play for the team but I can't see why on earth he wouldn't go to the do.

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/11/2010 10:39

Have an upfront chat with the coach or take him away. The letter thing might be lost, of course, it seems odd that only the official 'team' would have a christmas dinner and not all the trainees too.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:39

I understand that he is not ready to play for the team but to be singling him out as different does seem unfair, glad you feel that i'm not just being oversensitive.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 26/11/2010 10:40

YANBU to feel this isn't fair. However... if the coach feels your DS is not ready to play for them team yet that is his decision. As you point out, he is a 19yo. If he gets lots of grief about being inclusive he may well decide it is not worth it and stop the club altogether. Do look at more inclusive clubs and offer your DS some alternatives. If he is getting better each time he goes and loves playing with his friends, these might be positives to staying with the club which outweigh the negatives.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:40

I was stood in front of the coach when he gave out the letters to everyone else Hmm

OP posts:
coatgate · 26/11/2010 10:40

I feel your pain. My DD plays netball for a team which consists entirely of her schoolfriends. She is not the best at netball, but she tries hard, we pay the same as everybody else but she frequently used to get less games than others. Even now, the other girls rarely throw the ball to her (and they are her friends!)

Even if your son is not ready for the team, he should still be registered. Why are you paying if he is not registered? The coach sounds like an insensitive idiot who needs a good talking to. Is there not someone higher up in the 'league' or whatever that you could approach. I would be having sleepless nights over this if I were you. It is horrible seeing your children left out.

Good luck

Serendippy · 26/11/2010 10:41

I would mention that your DS didn't get a letter about the Christmas do though. No need to be excluded from that.

WowOoo · 26/11/2010 10:45

Poor ds. Knowing me I would have said something there and then. Surely coach wouldn't be so thoughtless to say only those in team can go to Christmas do? (but it wouldn't surprise me)

If you want to keep going, could you go to another one also on another night? May help him get better too.

Ds goes to rugby and is really hopeless so far. Other parents and children have laughed at him Sad
But ds1 did not notice the b'stards!

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:48

Oh WowOoo that's horrible, glad your ds didn't notice. People are so cruel aren't they?

I'm lucky so far that ds hasn't noticed the more subtle stuff but it won't take long...

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 10:48

my guess is that the coach thinks they already have enough players or that your son is not good enough to join the team. football can be very tough and petty at this level - you would think its league 1 the approach some of the managers/trainers take.

So you could have a quiet/nice word to find out whats happening - prob best without your son listening in. he will then have to decide if he wants to stay and maybe get more involved once he's a better player or join another less competitive team.

i have met 1 or 2 managers who are real pigs. but you have to accept this or move to another team in my experience.

when he's registered you will probably have to pay a fee.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:50

checked with the treasurer of the club(a friend) and apparently the coach has set up the christmas do just for the registered players and team SadAngry

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltByElves · 26/11/2010 10:55

And he's the only one excluded? That's shit. If there were half a dozen not going it would be crap, to single out one is just horrible. Time for a proper complaint I think.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:55

"but you have to accept this or move to another team in my experience."
but what a shame dreamingofsun to have to put up with it when its encouraging exclusion of 6 year olds?

It needs to be challenged.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 10:55

think thats a bit mean.

but they can be like this. one season my son was sub for every game because another boy had a father the manager liked, and they played the same position - despite the fact that he was an appalling player.

whiteliesaregoodlies · 26/11/2010 10:56

The trouble is that the boys will take their lead from the coach, who like it or not is a role model and should know better than to single one child out. I would definitely have a quiet word and remind him about the importance of inclusion and team spirit.

Hullygully · 26/11/2010 10:57

He's an arse.

My ds (older) played rugby for a team and they went out of their way to give everyone a go and be inclusive and friendly.

What's happening there, especially for that age group, is absolutely wrong.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 10:57

attilla

challenge all you like, but from what i've seen over the last 10 years it won't make any difference.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 10:59

rugby is a different thing altogether. its much more gentlemanly. the parents are all much nicer and its less petty and more inclusive. or where we live at least.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:59

I'm sure you are right dreamingofsun but it's such a shame and a terrible example for kids at such a young age.

OP posts:
whiteliesaregoodlies · 26/11/2010 10:59

I agree, it doesn't have to be like that. Ds1 is crap - truly crap - at football but he loves to play. His school recently had a tournament against another school and fielded four teams so that every boy got a chance to play - and even better there was no "A" or "B" or whatever. They all had a fantastic time.

RJRabbit · 26/11/2010 11:00

What an arsehole. I think you or your DH needs to say something along the lines of realising he's only a child himself, but surely at 19 he should know how hurtful it is to single out a little 6 year old boy.
Tell him you'll be taking your son out, writing a complaint to the club and telling your local friends all about how they like to treat the youngest members of their club.

Serendippy · 26/11/2010 11:02

RJRabbit are you saying that the OP should tell the coach that she realises he is a child himslef? I hope I have read that wrong, if not, how patronising!

alwaysrubbishatnicknames · 26/11/2010 11:02

I'm pretty ignorant about these things, as DS is too young at the moment.

However, shouldn't your DS be registered (regardless of whether he's actually playing in the matches) in order to benefit from the club's insurance?

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