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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that ds is being cruelly excluded?

85 replies

AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:35

Ds (6) has been going to a local under 7's football club for about 6 weeks now. Most of the boys that go are from his class at school. We have been paying the subs like everyone else. All the other lads there have club football tops and are registered to play.

Last week dh asks the coach when ds will be registered and get his top etc, coach says "he's not ready to play for team so I won't be registering him yet". Another lad who joined at the same time has been registered. So ds is the only lad at training who doesn't have a club top and isnt registered.

This week the coach has all the parents in a huddle when I arrive to collect ds from training, talking about the christmas do. He hands all the parents a letter apart from me Hmm On the way home ds asks why I havent got a letter about the Christmas do, all of his friends are going...

I have looked at taking him to other more inclusive clubs but DS really loves playing football with his friends and is getting better the more he goes. He would be really unhappy about leaving this club.

I am going to speak to the coach (a 19 year old who has no idea about what 6 and 7 year olds need).

AIBU to feel that this is isn't fair?

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 26/11/2010 12:11

Awww, your poor DS Sad

FA registered teams that play in leagues have to register a set number of players each season. The players have to be registered to play matches, so obviously the coach will have picked the players who he feels are going to help the team win the most matches.

If your DS is the only one not registered, it makes it all sound really mean, though I'm sure the coach doesn't mean to be horrible.

It sounds like what dreaming said about the party, but surely there could be some room for allowing a non-registered player to join in.

FWIW, my son has played for an FA registered team for 3 years and they have never had any sort of a party Smile

tomhardyismydh · 26/11/2010 12:14

if all others are registared and only ds not ready this is mean and I would expect the team to rgistar him aswell even if he only gets a few mins each match. they are 6 fgs who cares if he is a great player or not.

xmas do is utterely uneacceptable.

be upfront and tell them what it looks like from you and ds perspective.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 12:22

tomhardyis - so everytime a new player comes along and asks to be registered you think they should be accepted and allowed to play for a few mins each match? if the manager does this they could end up with a massive team and then the players that have always been there would only get a few mins play, get fed up and potentially leave.

they can only take a certain number of people along to a match - so if he goes someone else might not be able to and they could have been playing in the team a couple of years - so might find this unfair.

i'd never be a manager as its such a juggle

MrsNorthman · 26/11/2010 12:29

I'd ring him up and ask him if you can have the details of the Christmas party because you have lost the letter. Ask him directly how you can get the money to him asap. Act dumb and put him on the spot!!

mayorquimby · 26/11/2010 12:45

Just have a chat with the coach. I coach football and I've unintentionally messed up and made mistakes loads of times which has lead to hurt feelings etc. it's only by having a word that you can give him a chance to rectify it and then you can judge him on his reaction. As others have said he might think that he's doing the right thing without realising he's hurting your child or there might be a directive from above that they don't want players signed up who aren't going to get game time etc.

abr1de · 26/11/2010 12:48

'abr1de I don't agree that it will always be practical to put a weaker player on for 10/15mins, what about if the score is close?'

They are SIX years old.

tomhardyismydh · 26/11/2010 12:52

well from op it sounds like he isnt any newer than some other players and currently is THE only child not registared. therefore it would not be difficult to say to any new players coming along that the team is full and maybe look at A team and B team. so no I did not say registar every new player as they come along. if the join knowing team is full then they have chosen to do that.

as they are only 6 and most teams do not play competativly untill 6 or 7 i cant see many have been registared with team for more than a year. The fact they are only 6yrs old means its important not to have only 1 child left out.

ccpccp · 26/11/2010 12:55

Football can be a nasty spiteful sport. Sounds like the coach is excluding the metaphorical fat kids from playing or even taking part.

Is anyone else being excluded?

Rugby. 100% the way to go.

KangarooCaught · 26/11/2010 13:03

Agree re rugby, great sport.

mayorquimby · 26/11/2010 13:04

Football > Rugby

abr1de · 26/11/2010 14:17

Rugby tends to be better, or has been in my experience with my son.

The fathers and coaches are a bit more civilized (though not always).

A sports teacher at my son's school was telling me a fight had broken out between the fathers of two children competing in a fencing tournament.

I always assumed fencing would be civilized.

My children have done a bit of cross-country and the atmosphere there has been lovely: parents cheering on all the children, especially the ones who are at the back and need some support.

Serendippy · 26/11/2010 15:08

They are 6yo. Yes. There are loads of inclusive clubs where the focus is not on competition. He can join one of those. Some 6yos still like to win.

mamas12 · 26/11/2010 15:19

Have a word with the coach is he the only coach or is there someone else who would be able to help him point out his mistake.
He is not a parent and doesn't realise what he has done.
Your ds needs a top and needs to go to the party to be with his friends.
All the team members know each others abilities you know and if he is being treated differently by the coach then they will do the same.
Coach needs to step up in my opinion to be a better coach.

theevildead2 · 26/11/2010 15:23

Since when is 19 a child and not able to understand what is normal and decent? he's a twat.

Plenty of 19 year olds on mumsnet!

whatdoiknowanyway · 26/11/2010 15:32

Actually I'm pretty sure this goes against the advice in " safeguarding and protecting children in sport" training which at least some of the coaches in the club should have attended.

You do not separate out one child least of all a six year old. Not so much the registration ( agree thats a coaching decision) but certainly the Christmas party in that exclusion from it alienates him from the rest of the team.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 26/11/2010 15:32

Surely if you have been paying the fees, then you little lad should be registered whether they field him or not.

As for the jersey - I don't understand why the coach doesn't let him have one.

Angry about the christmas party though that is disgusting. If you are paying his fees and he trains every week or whatever, he should go to the christmas party.

Looks like a rant at the coach next time you see him. What a prat. :(

begonyabampot · 26/11/2010 16:38

Speak to the coach and explain - maybe it was an oversight or he just didn't realise the impact it had - I really can't see that anyone would want to exclude one 6 yr old boy so sure that part can be sorted out and sure the other parents would be horrified to know your son wasn't invited.

begonyabampot · 26/11/2010 16:41

PP was regarding the party. Regarding the football, i'm surprised they are being that fussy when it is 6yrs and under. I'm not too keen on how competitive it is for young kids in the UK. Many other countries (with better skills/success) concentrate on skills at the younger ages and don't start playing competitively and allocating positions until the kids a a good bit older. Don't know why the Uk is out of kilter regarding this.

bigTillyMint · 26/11/2010 17:04

FA teams are HIGHLY competitive, as are the vast majority of children who play in them. They are only ALLOWED to register a certain number of players each season and hence will always register the strongest players. Even at 6.

However, I don't see why that means he can't go to the party.

abr1de · 26/11/2010 17:14

Serendippy, both my two are competitive and have played rugby/football/lacrosse, etc. One of them is on the county athletics team and they have grandparents who have played various sports at national level. I understand about competitiveness. But I repeat, there will be times, when the score is either so in favour of the team, or so against it, that fielding a weaker player is neither here nor there.

I have seen this happen several times in football and rugby matches. The outcome was not at risk and a very child at least felt they'd had a go.

mankyscotslass · 26/11/2010 17:19

Agree with bigTillyMint!

DS goes to coaching at an FA registered club. He is 8. He will probably never make the team as most have been signed by clubs already and get played week in week out as they are a competitive side involved in leagues and Cups.

The coach has said to give it a year or so of training and take it from there.

The age group below him, every single one of them in the team. age 6-7 have been signed for a club and the parents of other kids who go for the coaching sessions have been told never to expect them to be selected if they are not already in the team. Unless someone leaves of course. Hmm

Football is really competitive round here, all the clubs with good coaching for kids past the Soccatots stage are the same. Sad

Trying to get DS involved in rugby, but the training is the same night as cubs. Confused

OP's son should still have got to the party though!

KatieScarlett2833 · 26/11/2010 17:23

He's only been going for 6 weeks. My DH was a coach for many years and he tells me that in the league they have a small window of opportunity to register the players they are going to field in the forthcoming season. Did your DS join after this date? Alternatively, they may only be allowed to register a certain amount of players and the coach is waiting for a space? DH always had one or two prospective players come to training on the understanding that they would get the next space IYSWIM? As for the strip, they probably don't have any spare ones, only ordered enough for the team.

The christmas party sucks though, no excuse there.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 19:59

Well I spoke to the coach.

He said that he only has limited places available to register players, and he is now full. I accepted that as I know that compared to the other kids ds is not to their standard. However I didn't accept that the way he runs the club is inclusive as he kept stating. I said that the way he runs things such as the christmas party, tel calls about changes to training (he only rings registered players) and the kit etc shouldn't neccesarily be linked to playing on the team and should be a club thing that involves everyone.I stressed how left out DS feels being the only lad without a club kit and left out of other things.

I just don't think he gets it, we were just at loggerheads pretty much. He did concede on the christmas party but said now all of the places were gone for the meal and prize giving so ds could go to the end bit if he wants for 30 mins...

As suggested here earlier I ended it by saying all i wanted him to do was to listen to what I was saying and give some thought to how he could improve the inclusion for all players. I don't think he will even do that.

We haven;t fully decided to take ds out of the club but he is starting a new 'non competitive one' tomorrow morning. Thanks for all your views on this it has really helped.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 26/11/2010 20:02

OK, now you have to complain to the club/league committee. The coach should have been mortified about the Christmas Party.

begonyabampot · 26/11/2010 20:10

he should have been included in the party at least - there is really no excuse for that or for lack of phone calls concerning training etc. The registered issue is slightly different as well as the kit - in my Ds team you only get kit if you register and pay about 100 quid registration. Also at training very few kids wear kit and save it for the match usually so again not necessarily a point.

Shame you've had this experience, it's horrible to see this kind of disappointment for young kids - have you looked at Futsal? We tried it - it's a lot less competitive and focuses on skills, mainly through games (play games not football matches) . It's also inside which at this time of year is a bonus. we really liked it and it's especially great for the little ones. Only problem is if you miss the club teams when the kids are young they kind of miss the boat a little for playing more competitively - i do think they start competition matches too young here.