Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that ds is being cruelly excluded?

85 replies

AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 10:35

Ds (6) has been going to a local under 7's football club for about 6 weeks now. Most of the boys that go are from his class at school. We have been paying the subs like everyone else. All the other lads there have club football tops and are registered to play.

Last week dh asks the coach when ds will be registered and get his top etc, coach says "he's not ready to play for team so I won't be registering him yet". Another lad who joined at the same time has been registered. So ds is the only lad at training who doesn't have a club top and isnt registered.

This week the coach has all the parents in a huddle when I arrive to collect ds from training, talking about the christmas do. He hands all the parents a letter apart from me Hmm On the way home ds asks why I havent got a letter about the Christmas do, all of his friends are going...

I have looked at taking him to other more inclusive clubs but DS really loves playing football with his friends and is getting better the more he goes. He would be really unhappy about leaving this club.

I am going to speak to the coach (a 19 year old who has no idea about what 6 and 7 year olds need).

AIBU to feel that this is isn't fair?

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 26/11/2010 11:04

That's awful! Did you not say anything at the time to the coach who was giving out the letters? I would have asked where mine was.

He is being really petty leaving one child out of the do just because he's not quite ready for the team. I would have a word with the coach and point out that he's being nasty and if he doesn't back down take your child somewhere else.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 11:05

the annoying thing is - how are they going to get better unless they practise? I can sort of see it from the coach and other kids perspective - if they are really good players then it can be quite frustrating to have a very inexpienced team member - even at this age they are desperate to win.

if he registered your son and you paid the fee - probably 25+ you would be even more upset if he didn't play. so maybe he's trying to shield you from this?

children's football is one of the most competitive and political things i've come across. but it has taught my children to be more confident and fit - and we've had to have lots of talks about poor adult people skills

marge2 · 26/11/2010 11:08

I think that the coach may be too young at 19 to fully understand what he has done. He sounds a wee bit immature to me. It probably hasn't ocurred to him he has done anything mean and it's upsetting you and your DS done. I bet he will be horrified with himself to find out how he has made your DS feel.
I'd have a word and if he still doesn't want to let DS go to the dinner then dump the club and make a formal complaint via the local paper on your way out.

llareggub · 26/11/2010 11:09

The club sounds horrid. My DS plays football at our gym in a session aimed at 4-8 year olds, and DS is the youngest there. The coaches gently encourage the older boys to let my son win the odd tackle and score the odd goal and there is a rule that everyone shakes hand at the end. I would definitely challenge it.

KangarooCaught · 26/11/2010 11:09

The coach sounds v young and inexperienced because he is making such poor decisions probably due to lack of thought.

I think you should ask him why boys like your ds have not been invited to the Christmas do and then point out that they are part of the club, they pay subs and feel hurt at being left out. He is after all only 6 years old. And it's the same with not registering ds and not get his top, at that age it's all about belonging and it being fun.

Say something like "all I ask is you give it some thought and let me know what you think." That way he's not put on the spot/gets all defensive but also has time to think and change his mind without losing face.

Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 11:09

As ds enjoys it so much we would be prepared to pay for registration even if he didn't get any games he just wants to play with his friends at the training session and join in..
When I speak to coach later I will ask him if it really makes any odds to him if ds is registered, as he still doesn't have to give him any/many games.

OP posts:
Original poster
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2010 11:10

Good suggestion Kangaroo, thanks

OP posts:
SuzieHomemaker · 26/11/2010 11:14

Attilla - alwaysrubbishatnicknames has raised an important point about insurance. If not registered is your DS insured?

Insurance is important even at junior levels not just for your son if he is injured but also in case he accidentally injures someone else.

You can then use this as a conversation starter with the coach.

whiteliesaregoodlies · 26/11/2010 11:14

You could also point out to him that no matter how good a player you are, there is always a level at which you will be excluded as not being good enough. There is a boy at ds1's school who was talent spotted to join the Chelsea training programme at 3. Yes, 3. Yet his odds of ever actually playing for the Chelsea team are 200 to 1. Harsh, but true.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 11:15

i think some of you are confusing why the coach is doing this. his objective is to field a team not make everyone happy or act as a good role model. even once you are a member of a team you will not always be able to play the position you want or be on the pitch during a game the whole time.

i do feel sorry for football managers and coaches as they can't keep everyone happy all of the time. its a thankless job that they do for free often in the freezing cold.

i thnk you need a quiet, non-confrontational word with him to find out what his plans are concerning your son and then you need to agree with your DS want you should do. You have no power in this relationship and if your son stays in football you will have to recongise this - well you have the power to walk away

SuePurblybiltByElves · 26/11/2010 11:24

Right, dreamingofsun, and because it's "his objective to field a team" he can exclude one child from joining in? The OP isn't making a fuss about her child not being named star player, he is the only child out of a dozen to not be included in a party. That's crap.

And I think he should be acting as a good role-model as it happens - all adults who work with children should. He should be promoting enjoyment and team spirit, not low-level bullying and a stonking lack of empathy.

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 26/11/2010 11:28

God I'm pleased ds has no interest in sport, aside from a bit of hockey and rounders at school.

You need to talk to the coach. To be honest I think I'd be looking for another club.

RJRabbit · 26/11/2010 11:29

Yes, Serendippy, I would have no compunction in being patronising to someone as immature as this and whose actions were so harmful to a small child.

You appear to think his behaviour is ok because he is coach. Do you not see what damage this could cause this child's relationship with sport going forward?

Serendippy · 26/11/2010 11:34

I think telling a 19yo that they are just a child is rude and patronising. What about a 19yo woman who has a child, would you tell her that she is just a child herself? In your opinion, when is someone an adult? Actions can be childish but I cannot believe that you consider a 19yo to be a child!

I think that the OP is reasonable to feel the situation isn't fair. I also think that leaving the child out of the Christmas do is unfair. However, I do not think a child should be allowed to play a match in a competative team if they are not ready. The coach is entitled to do what he thinks is best for the team. The OP said there are other, more inclusive clubs around and I said that IMO I would offer my child the option of staying put or trying something else.

abr1de · 26/11/2010 11:35

I'm afraid experience has led me to believe that many children's football coaches and managers are not very good at people skills.

They haven't a clue. Favouritism is rife.

abr1de · 26/11/2010 11:37

They would be able to field the OP's son for ten or fifteen minutes in the 2nd half of a game. That's all it takes to make a kid feel wanted.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 11:38

suepurbly - i don't disagree with you, but having experienced this for the last 10 years with several teams i'm just saying how it is. and i agree it shouldn't be like this - but anyone thinking its going to be all fun and fare is in for a shock unless they are very lucky.

Serendippy · 26/11/2010 11:41

abr1de I don't agree that it will always be practical to put a weaker player on for 10/15mins, what about if the score is close?

I really don't know why I argue these points sometimes, if this had been the coach asking if he was BU I probably would have argued for the OP's son. I am just an argumentative person...

SuePurblybiltByElves · 26/11/2010 11:41

No, that's true dreaming. I get that all the players can't be indulged and that parents give coaches a hard time. But I think that this one needs to be aware that a team party is not OK if one child is excluded. If twenty are excluded and it's registered players only, fine. But I am so Angry and so Sad for her little boy.

Rant over Grin

KangarooCaught · 26/11/2010 11:43

Dreamingofsun, no one is unappreciative, it's admirable that the 19 yr old boy runs the club but likewise he is only of tender years himself and will make errors of judgement. And at 6 yrs old, any sporting coach will tell you it is about taking part and making it fun, they will be of diverse talents. Family members ref rugby union & coach cricket & they occasionally get demanding parents who think they can do better (although they have to be careful otherwise my father gets them helping!) but afact, Atilla isn't being that kind of parent, but is concerned about a blatant unfairness,

MollieO · 26/11/2010 11:46

Ds plays rugby. He will never make the A team and is the only one of his friends not to get one if the weekly awards. He hasn't been sidelined or excluded (he was even shared captain of the B team at a tournament - I think they wanted someone who could shout!). I would be horrified if he was excluded like your Ds has been. I would complain to someone more senior than the coach if I were you. I would also be very concerned about the lack of insurance cover,

At ds's club they can play without registering only for the first few weeks of the season.

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/11/2010 11:53

As I said on another thread, I have two sons, one is sporty, the other not. The non-sporty one tried to join a football team at the same age as the OP's son and the same thing happened. When I spoke to my sporty son about it, he didn't find anything wrong with it.

Some football teams are inclusive and some are competitive. The OP just needs to find a team that is inclusive for her son, otherwise she will just keep on being upset for him week after week.

I would also say, having a son who is now a ref and thinking about coaching, that parents have to realise that the coaches do this for love of the game and if parents are so mean and complain about every little thing (I appreciate it is not a little thing for the OP) then the net result will be that fewer and fewer people will coach young football teams as they just get far too much aggravation.

Kangaroo, I think that rugby and cricket seem to be much more inclusive games than football. If you have not been to young football games then you can have no idea of how abusive some parents can be of the coach and even of some of the other, very young players. It seems that for some parents they are living their dream of playing for a premiership football club through their children. I went to my nephew's game the other weekend (U7s) and one boy was crying on the pitch and saying to his father "just stop keep telling me to do better". These are boys who are still in infant schools.

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/11/2010 11:54

Just one more thing. I'm not saying that the way football is run is right, I'm just saying that, unfortunately, that is the way it is. Perhaps the strike by the Scottish referees will help to change the way officials and coaches are regarded, but I'm not holding my breath.

NKinDXB · 26/11/2010 11:58

Poor little chap. Whether or not he gets a game isn't even the issue. (Although I'm sure they could manage the odd five mins substitution now and then, it's not the Champions League!)

There's no excuse for excluding him from the party whatsoever if he turns up every week and trains with the group and they're all friends. No-one needs to be registered for anything to be invited to a Christmas party!

You should definitely say something to the coach.

dreamingofsun · 26/11/2010 12:00

christmas party issue is probably not the coach's decision - this would have been made by the committee. i imagine that there's a cost involved and their argument is that the registration fee covers this. hence no registration = no party

i'm not on any committee so moan at me all you like but its not my decision either!!