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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why my friend has sent a present to DH?

93 replies

eurocommuter · 24/11/2010 23:36

A friend came to visit and spent the weekend with us a few weeks ago. Dh has met her a few times but through me and we both never thought that they were friends. Dh has now received a package from her with a note thanking him for having her. She never mentioned that to me nor sent me a thank you for inviting her to my home. I think its odd actually I find it disrespectful.
AIBU?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 25/11/2010 08:50

Your DH asked a guest in your home to stop staring? That in itself is weird? What did she say?

Dolittlest · 25/11/2010 08:52

Bit inappropriate.

ohforfoxsake · 25/11/2010 08:55

Obviously DH doesn't feel comfortable with her if he has asked she doesn't visit anymore.

Maybe she does have a crush on him.

What is her situation?

Ask her about it. If you are good friends you should ask, but be kind because she may get embarrassed, or it there is nothing in it, she will laugh.

She is your friend, not his. There is no reason why you shouldn't remain friends and nip this in the bud.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/11/2010 08:56

ValiumSingleton · 25/11/2010 08:59

maybe it was a book she already had. did she go out and buy it?

i gave a spare nokia phone charger to my friends husband. in a plastic lidl bag though, no wrapped up with a beautiful handwritten note.

melikalikimaka · 25/11/2010 09:06

I think I would confront her, if her reaction is strange when you thank her for your DH's present. Did you leave them alone together for any length of time in your home. Is it possible they know each other from before?

ib · 25/11/2010 09:20

Sounds like a cultural difference to me - maybe she was embarrassed that your dh thought she was staring and sent it by way of apology?

Original poster

eurocommuter · 25/11/2010 09:23

They are not from the same culture at all and she is single (just divorced).

She doesn't know dh enough to have the confidence of giving him gifts. it wasn't a cheap book. It cost around £60. It would have been sweet if she had told me about it. I maybe reading too much into it. But i still find it odd. i think my biggest issue is not saying anything to me.

OP posts:

Animation · 25/11/2010 09:24

perhaps, perhaps perhaps...

curlymama · 25/11/2010 09:28

You definately need to be the one to thank her for it. The sooner the better, because then that way she will know that he told you straight away and that he doesn't have any hidden desires for her. If he did have, he may have kept it a secret and responded privately. She does fancy him, and this is probably what she was hoping for knowing that it would arrive while you were away from him. I'd just send a nice text or email to say thankyou, and then leave it, as in don't bother making the effort to stay in touch with her anymore.

Limara · 25/11/2010 09:37

''kept asking her to stop staring''

That is weird? The fact he actually felt comfortable enough to ask her to stop? Or uncomfortable?

I'd ask her why she sent the book. I'd say where's my present in a jokey way.

tomhardyismydh · 25/11/2010 09:50

did she make a pass at your dh when she was here. for him to ask she does not visit again is rather drastic if he just found her strange.

however if she made a pass and he where embarassed and did not want to mention to you out of saving face for your friend and his self preservation, then i would suggest her returns the book with a note reinforcing the bounderiess.

If she did not make a pass then just play it down she obviously likes him in some way friendship or romantic, in which case sounds like dh is not interested anyway.

either way i would not worry or feel threatened.

MmeLindt · 25/11/2010 09:53

Agree with TomHardy

Sounds like she made a pass and he did not want to mention it to you.

Speak honestly with your DH about it.

Animation · 25/11/2010 10:03

A £60 quid book!! It's like watching film - GET RID OF YOUR CREEPY 'FRIEND' - I'm shouting at the screen.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2010 10:13

The more you say, the more I think your husbands behaviour is odd

he said he told a guest in your home to stop staring...or that's what he told you he said

he is sent an expensive gift that is not mentioned to you first

he is adamant she does not visit again

I think he is hiding something, or is terrified about something that happened that is being misconstrued on her part

I think you need to speak to your DH and ask him outright if there is more to this than appears

Original poster

eurocommuter · 25/11/2010 10:22

AnyF, I think you misunderstood what i said. I was there when he was asking her to stop staring. He didn't tell me about it. She sent the gift and dh rang me immediatley he got it to tell me about it. So I don't think he is hiding anything. I don't see how that could be odd.

I suppose it your opinion and i'm open to them but don't agree with your understanding of the situation.

By the way I'm not at all threatened or suspicious, just find it odd and inappropriate. If she wanted to nmake a gesture she should have bought something for the children.

OP posts:

Nefret · 25/11/2010 10:31

Why don't you just phone her and ask her about it. Maybe say your husband told you he had a gift from you and that she didn't need to send such and expensive present, you can even say he felt very ebarassed about receiveing it.

I think you need to talk to her just for your own peace of mind really or you will start to imagine all kinds of reasons why she did it.

Let us know what she says!

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 25/11/2010 10:35

I agree with PP it sounds like she has a soft spot for your hubby and possibly was a bit too 'full on' while staying with you.

If your hubby doesn't want her to visit you again then did she do something he felt uncomfortable with while she was there? Just staring wouldn't be enough.

I'd also suggest he sends the book back as a statement of boundaries. She should have thanked you both. If she was going to send you a gift as well, surely she would have posted them together or given it to you when you saw her.

Hope you sort this out :)

RealityIsWellFit · 25/11/2010 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MainlyMaynie · 25/11/2010 10:43

If he asked her to stop staring, maybe she realises that he wasn't comfortable with her being there and wanted to make a gesture to ensure he lets her visit again?

I've had friends of DH bring or send me a gift when they have visited. Nothing weird about it, it's just a way of saying thank you to the person who has invited you into their home when you don't know them.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2010 10:46

Yes, I didn't realise you were there when he told her to stop staring.

I still find it odd though, from both him and her (but mostly him, tbh)

Why so adamant she must never darken your doorstep again ?

Nefret · 25/11/2010 10:48

A £60 book isn't just a gesture though is it?

Triggles · 25/11/2010 10:52

It is a bit odd.

But I still couldn't stop giggling over the wording of "thanking him for having her."

Anniegetyourgun · 25/11/2010 10:55

Depends how rich you are, I guess. To some people £60 is small change.

ENormaSnob · 25/11/2010 10:55

I think she made a pass at him or something tbh.

They present issue is weird but made more sinister by the fact she didn't mention it despite seeing you a day before it was delivered.

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