pil refuse to discllose what they are buying my dc

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When I ask they are very evasive mil even adopts a "none of your business" type of an attitude! THe thing is there is serious danger that my children could get duplicate presents if they dont discuss it with us. Infact at ds2s recent birthday it nearly happened. I took my mum to a toy shop and suggested various thomas toys (among other suggestions but he is Thomas mad). She bought a thomas play set "cranky the crane". Pil came round in the afternoon and ds got a very similar cranky the crane set! Also on the same trip I showed my mum a lego plane set and said ds1 has mentioned he wants that for christmas. Mil mentioned at the birthday get together (ds1 wasnt in room) that when she babysat last ds2 mentioned he wants the lego plane for christmas. I mentioned that I had mentioned it to my mum as an idea. However she refuses to confirm or deny if she is buying it. This sort of thing happens every christmas and birthday for my dc! So worried as its no secret what they like/want that they will get duplicates iyswim.

I know you said the children are getting your mum's presents boxing day but is there any way to change that, could she give hers on christmas eve instead, then the PIL get the dissapointed faces and the hassle of changing. I suspect MIL wouldn't be doing this if she was in your mum's position of giving her present last.

Tell PIL if they insist on not telling you then they will need to keep the receipt as THEY might need to change present.

I don't think you are being a control freak at all and I don't think this is your mums fault either, of course she wants to get something that the child will like and hasn't already got. This is all just so unecessary on MIL part.

As for the person who said the children should learn to just say thank you, well yes I have taught my children this but really is it too much to ask that close family could confer, no matter how polite the child it will be obvious that the child is not really that excited by something they already have.

And sand's post:

Ours used to be "delivered by Father Christmas" so were all in the house on Christmas morning. My mum put her foot down early on to the inlaws (and her parents). It should be about the giving, not about feeling self satisfied with someone's reaction to the present you chose.

How very rude, your mum should be ashamed and any DIL of mine that tried this would be told in no uncertain terms that this would NOT be happening, of course it's all about seeing the childrens excited faces as they open the presents, your mum got to see that, that's why she wanted all the presents at her house on christmas morning, why on earth should she be the only one to see all the excited faces when she didn't even pay for those presents, shockingly rude!

I applaud and echo skydance's post.

I am amazed that no-one else is about the post regarding the 2yo's Wedding Registry style gift list, mentioned much earlier up the thread. Wrong in so many ways.

Or here is a novel idea - find something truly fantastic that your DC have not even talked about but will love to bits. Get your Mum to buy it.

MN is good for this kind of thing.

Maybe its something really noisy like a drum kit that they think you might not want at your house. Sorry have I made it worse?

We used to write lists when young. Lots of relatives all asking our parents what we want and they had 3 kids to remember who wanted what. If you have 1 kid and a good memory or your relatives just buy what they feel like fine, otherwise a list of what the kids would actually like to get for xmas with a variety of prices is handy.
When my sibs tell me what their kids would like I don't care if they're giving me an item from a list or not.

I think that Lego is one of those gifts that you can have 2 of. The second set of grandparents will get a fraction of the happiness that the first get but a second lego plane will still be played with and loved.

Has your MIL bought the gift already? If so I'd maybe talk to your child and start suggesting he might want a Lego helicopter too.

Have you considered telling your mum about a toy that your child doesn't know about but would love? Eg. If he likes Lego then he might like K'Nex

It seems to me that your inlaws are buying your children toys that your children want, and your inlaws KNOWS this because your children have told them.

Your mum buys gifts you show her. And you know what your children want from listening to the same stuff as your inlaws.

The problem is not your mil, nor your mother, it is YOU.

You need to suggest different toys. Toys you know have not been mentioned in the presence of your inlaws.

Or get your mum to babysit and visit more often so she also get her own ideas what to buy your kids.

The only time my parents refused to tell me what they were buying for one of my DC was when it was a bloody great electronic keyboard that they knew I'd object to because of lack of space

Sneaky buggers

DD loved it.

LEt them buy what they want. If there's duplicates it's "oh fantastic! you have an extra one to keep at granny's house!"

Then make sure you buy them 2 large drumkits.

My PILS and SIL get what they want without consulting. It's up to them.

They always buy HUGE amounts of stuff. (unfortunately often getting into debt - which we then are guilt tripped feel obliged to clear, but that's another story!)

If it's duplicated it gets to stay at PIL's house. If it is loathesome to the extreme, I donate it to charity. Job done.

They seem to take great delight in getting us presents which are too big to be stored in our house. We do have a reasonably sized home but at no point do we want to turn over the entire space to be a soft play area. Apparently we are getting a ball pit amongst other things this year......so the local mothers & toddlers group will be getting it & we can play with it there!

No point falling out with parents or PILS. Tell your mum to buy whatever she wants & let PILS know. Let PILS know that if they duplicate it they a) look stupid & mean
b) have to take THEIRS back.

YABU to expect to know what someone is buying your DC. Just be grateful for the gift and if it is a duplicate or something they don't like, it is still the thought that counts and all that..

To be fair 'in serious danger of' just means 'is quite likely' round my neck of the woods.

Christmas, you and your IL's are really a bad combination aren't ya ?

I think that applies to most people doesn't it ?
I know what you mean though it's such a waste when they get tow of something and a bit of communication would have avoided it.

mama...I was being a bit sarky

OP has another Xmas/InLaws/outrage at their totally unreasonable behaviour thread going on right now

just tell them what you have bought and they can fend for themselves.

Mine have learnt the hard way to buy from my list of approved items otherwise it ends in tears, the children don't tend to want what the present they get two of in the first place.

On DS2's 2nd birthday he asked for a train set from everyone he knew.... fine except I choose one v careful that could be added to (lego duplo). Gave it to him in the morning and then got home from work to discover him playing with 3 different train sets! He'd opened presents from my MIL (who didn't check with me) and nanny. Anyway it was ok he loves trainsets!

Keep the receipt, and TBH if you are there when the present is opened then if they are all the same you can stop them from opening box. I think more of a problem if they bought something you didn't want them to have eg like NDS or TV for bedroom.

Spoke to mil today and was surprising in that she was not evasive or told me to wait and see etc like she has previously done. I explained my mums dilemma and she said she hasnt even done her shopping yet as she doesnt start until dec 1st as her protest against the commercialisation of christmas. Also she really genuine wants presents to be a surprise for everyone not everyone knowing want everyone wants. She suggested we make a list of what the children want and give it to her and my parents make a seperate list of what they have bought and put it in a sealed envelope and give it to mil. Spoke to my mum and she is happy with that so dilemma solved! :)

should read doesnt want everyone knowing what everyones getting.

"Mine have learnt the hard way to buy from my list of approved items otherwise it ends in tears, the children don't tend to want what the present they get two of in the first place."

Good grief. Even if children don't get exactly what they want, surely it's very rude to show it?

Have you ahd children?
Small children don't do tact. They do "mummy I've got one of these already..."
It took years to drum the concept of looking pleased even if you aren't into my kids. Adults are much better at phony emotions.

any not ahd, not sure how that typo happened.

Aah should have been had. Weird how you make mistakes typing you'd never make writing.

Yes at ds1s birthday he got a duplicate from one of his friends (was ot an issue at all btw) and he said already got one of those and produced the duplicate birthday present and completely discarded the present to one side. I was so embarassed but his friends mum just laughed it off said dont worry that kids for you and gave me the receipt!! Told ds1 off etc for the attitude and told him to say thank you!