about Christmas and first baby

[MerryBlessings]

Our first baby is due on Christmas Eve.

We have 25ish people to buy c presents for.

I am finally just about ready for the baby's arrival but have now completely lost all energy to sort out christmas presents. Because we have spent so much on baby gear and making our house reasonably baby accommodating (had to buy a lot of furniture in order to gain storage space in our 1 bed flat) I was planning on hand-making lots but have now lost all energy.

Anyway, aibu to think it's strange that not one member of our families or friends have said "please don't worry about us this christmas, we understand that you have other things to sort out."

The husband and I are disagreeing and I'd love to know general consensus. I think if it was the other way around I'd be keen someone wasn't worrying about us.

Thanks ladies,

MBx

"I am finally just about ready for the baby's arrival but have now completely lost all energy to sort out christmas presents. Because we have spent so much on baby gear and making our house reasonably baby accommodating (had to buy a lot of furniture in order to gain storage space in our 1 bed flat) I was planning on hand-making lots but have now lost all energy."

From the above it sounds as if the op was planning on making things once the baby stuff was sorted out but has used up all her energy on getting things ready for the baby.

So what if she's on maternity leave? As has been said christmas is the same date every year so he could easily have bought/buy his family gifts on his days off or even on the internet. Shouldn't take him long to do it or involve much effort

Okay, the first bit didn't bold but the last bit did

I'm not "above it all" I'm just not so sucked into materialism that I see gift giving as an obligation that I have to fulfill no matter what's going on in my life. I also don't think presents are the be-all and end-all of Christmas and I feel really sorry for people who stretch themselves financially to buy presents for people just because they worry they'll be judged if they don't. Surely if someone is worth buying a present for then they're a good enough friend/close enough family member to understand when you're not up to it? I have never in my whole life received a gift from my younger sister (who is now 21). Mainly that has been due to lack of funds on her part. I honestly don't care because I love her dearly and I don't need any gift from her to know that she loves me. In fact I wish some people who have given me gifts would just take them back and be nicer to me instead :(

Again I'm that you think that without presents someone is "skipping Christmas" LadyThompson Do you truly believe that without presents Christmas isn't Christmas?

I do think you are being a little U not to go to the effort of buying gifts for the family.

I have 49 people to buy for, my choice to buy for that many, and have 3 children (5,3&1) as well as being 22wks pg with dc4. I Have done a little bit of shopping online and have made 2 trips out to get the rest. I thought ahead and decided that I didnt want to be wandering around the shops so close to Christmas. I finished all of mine on Monday.

You say you are ready for the baby which may turn up on its due date but could leave you hanging on until the New Year. Spend time looking online, or put together a list of what you think each person might like. Head out with the list & your budget and crack on with it. If you dont manage to get it all done then send dh and at least he has an idea of what you were wanting to get.

The world doesnt just stop because you are having a baby. If you really cant afford Christmas then TELL your families, buy something small for the children and then leave it at that. Now is the time to set boundaries as next year will be even more expensive!

Sigh. No, I don't think that Christmas without presents is skipping Christmas, WoD. But it is tradition, and a nice tradition at that, as a symbol of showing love or appreciation of others at Christmas. Of course, not everyone can afford it and there are other ways to do this than by gift giving - absolutely. I didn't see that the OP made mention of these though, as her op was all about how it's all too much of a hassle as she is pregnant. OP, it's tough in the late stages of pregnancy and you have my best wishes, but you did ask if you were BU, and in my view, you are. I suppose you won't be having a tree, writing cards or any of the other tiresome Christmas hassles which just leech the joy out of the festive season?

at Tatty

25 people is alot to buy for. Even at £10 each, that's £250 which is alot when you're about to have a baby.

When did christmas become all about buying people presents? My brother and SIL have got everything but they are really into presents and I find it quite vulgar. They actually tell us in advance what they want, ditto birthdays. I get umpteen phone calls saying, we've cahnged our minds, we want this....I once lost my rag with my brother and told him they'll get what the fuck they're given. We don't do that to them. I just find all this present giving among adults who don't really need anything, amazon books included, a bit much.

A new baby is as good a reason as any to have a lean christmas. Howabout you just buy for the kids etc and tell their parents if they want to give you anything just to give something for the baby.

Sorry but if you have 25 people that always buy presents for each other (and if you have a large family then it's easy to reach those kind of figures), then you cannot decide not to do it this year, with only 1 month's notice, just because you're pregnant. You've been pregnant for 36 weeks, you could have sorted this out months ago, knowing exactly when the baby was due.

A lot of those 25 people will have got you presents by now, so to do the "don't buy for us thing" is unreasonable as they will have already bought for you.

Just buy a job lot of books or chocs, something easy, and then agree to cut down on the present buying for next year.

I just dont think that the fact the OP is stressing a bit about gifts means that Christmas is all about gifts. However, if there is an occasion coming up where you know you are going to get showered with gifts, it puts you in an awkward position if you have nothing to give in return.

Anyone who doesn't feel awkward about having Christmas gifts lavished upon them and not giving anything in return (whether it is home made or of any significant value or not) has a strange attitude to etiquette in my view.

It doesn't mean Christmas is all about the gifts - its not really a "christmas" issue so much as a "gift exchanging" issue.

It doesn't mean Christmas is all about that - it means that of all thing things to do with Christmas, it is that which is stressing her out. Card writing, travelling to see family, exchanging goodwill, breaking bread with her loved ones, none of that is bothering her, but the logistics and expense of giving gifts is, and the obligation is more down to the fact that she has to receive some. She'd be probably quite happy to receive nothing and give nothing, and just do everything else to do with Christmas, which means that in actual fact she doesn't feel Christmas is all about gifts after all!

Wow that's a really odd attitude from your brother 1980 I wouldn't say that's typical at all. I sometimes ask my sis what she wants but only because I'm stumped (find it hard to buy presents for adults too) and usually she'll pick something really really small that I buy along with something else, so at least I know she's getting one thing she wants.

To be fair, my views on this thread have been strongly coloured by the fact that I am not into presents at all. I don't wear much make up or any perfume and for some reason people don't buy me the one thing I actually like, which is books (apart from one good friend who has bought be a heap of great books over the years) so I usually end up with a ton of presents that I don't actually want and it strikes me as such a waste. I would never say I don't like them but if someone does ask what I want I usually steer them towards books. It mostly lasts for one year and then the next year I get make up and perfume again

I'm expecting my 2nd on NYE - my ILs were trying to arrange Christmas get togethers and all sorts -they live a minimum of 30mins by motorway away from us) and I've been chasing them for Christmas lists from them for weeks now. Sadly, I think (depending on the personalities involved) they don't really think about how draining pregnancy can be or the fact that even when you're trying to be organised and plan ahead, you need some co-operation on their part. This doesn't apply to everyone of course.

Ok I think I you must be right and I am sanctimonious TattyDevine because I honestly don't give presents just to get them back. I have bought hundreds of presents for my sister over the years and have never got a single one back, but that doesn't bother me and it doesn't bother her because she knows I give out of a genuine sense of wanting to get her something nice, not for the sake of etiquette or to get something back.

FWIW my older sister (who earns plenty of money) didn't get me a wedding gift. DH was was quite angry about it and when I asked him why he said she should have. My response was that she was my bridesmaid which was good enough for me and I don't see presents as an obligation. If she wanted to buy me something she would have but she didn't and I'm ok with that. I don't see it as a reflection of her love for me as I know her better than that I don't measure love in terms of money.

My DD was due at Christmas 2 yrs ago, so do understand that looming deadline feeling. I was still feeling fairly spritely at 36 weeks(in retrospect I think I was a little manic...) and managed to do most of my shopping in a blast of the high street at the end of November while DH stayed at home and looked after DS. The internet helped out a lot too!

25 people is a lot to buy for tho, I would prioritise the people who are most important to me and then get token gift for the others.

YABU

Being pregnant is really hard and exhausting, I was 36 weeks pg at Christmas so I know how it is, and expensive, but its a bit naff and weak-willy to use that as a reason to not go to a bit of effort.

Weak-willy

Looking back at OP, I think it is perhaps odd that people haven´t said that you might not want to buy this year-purely from the financial aspect.

I don´t think that this would be rude.
I know presents shouldn´t be expected, but tbh if someone has bought you a Christmas present for the last 3/4 years, it´s not unreasonable to be thinking that they might do again.

I´d also be wanting to buy for baby rather than OP-sorry OP-hope yswim by that.

WriterofDreams my brother is a selfish git, always has been. He even does it at his birthday. He's like a spoiled child and says to us "I'll tell you what I want" long in advance so we don't buy him something he doesn't want.

I once bought him a new coffee pot, he opened it, inspected it infront of me and said he didn't like it. he asked for the fucking thing. So I took it back and didn't buy him another one. That wasn't all he got either. I am SO tired of him.

In your shoes I'd just stop giving him presents. I'd explain that he doesn't seem to understand the principle of giving presents and so he shouldn't expect any more. What people don't seem to acknowledge is that there is an emotional element attached to gifts. If people don't seem to like a gift then it can be very hurtful. For this reason I'd rather someone who can't think of something to get me just didn't get me anything at all because another year of pretending to like gifts makes me feel sad. Gifts aren't an obligation - if someone genuinely doesn't want or need anything then don't waste your money. Write them a nice letter telling them how lovely they are instead!

If you told me that you couldn't give me a Christmas pressie because you're baby was due at Christmas time I would find that very amusing. I had my first baby at Christmas. I just planned ahead and it was fine. I also had a third baby in November and so started my Christmas shopping in the summer! Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable.

However, if your pregnancy had been difficult and you had been ill a lot then that would be very different. Alternatively, if you told me about at least a month before Christmas that money was tight because of the expense of having to buy baby things then that would be fine with me also.

When you have a baby you just have to do a lot of juggling to get things done...like Christmas shopping!

WriterofDreams. Sigh Just because people feel uncomfortable being showered with gifts and giving nothing in return does not mean they are "giving presents just to get them back"

Just because there is a tradition of exchanging gifts within a family doesn't mean a family doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas or dont exchange cards, phonecalls, time, goodwill, etc.

Its not all black and white and as easily twisted as that.

And is it me or do you sound incredibly ungrateful for the gestures that your family make towards you regarding gift giving?

"for some reason people don't buy me the one thing I actually like, which is books (apart from one good friend who has bought be a heap of great books over the years) so I usually end up with a ton of presents that I don't actually want and it strikes me as such a waste. I would never say I don't like them but if someone does ask what I want I usually steer them towards books. It mostly lasts for one year and then the next year I get make up and perfume again "

But its not about the gifts, oh no, its about the gesture/spending time/christmas/family etc...

Yes Tatty I'd rather just spend time with them than get presents I don't really want. Of course I am grateful for them, and I always thank them and appreciate the money and effort they put into getting them for me. But that doesn't mean I automatically like them. If you are not only required to give presents but also must like the ones you get no matter what they are then I'm glad I don't have Christmas in your house, it sounds like a nightmare!

Once again, WriterofDreams, I am not talking about my house or my family in any of my postings. You have absolutely no idea about our Christmas traditions or gift giving values as I have not said what we do.

You seem to really enjoy twisting what people say to make it sound dreadful and to try and make you sound like you are the only person who knows the true meaning of Christmas or gift giving.

To use an angry face in relation to not getting a gift you want is pretty ungracious whichever way you look at it. I'm not saying you have to "like" them but an angry face? Seriously?

I have been defending the OP, not myself. None of this in any way reflects any of the traditions, beliefs or values surrounding Christmas OR gift giving in my family.

Ok sorry Tatty I thought you'd were talking about things you believed in yourself. I'm not sure why you'd argue so strongly about things you don't believe in, but that's up to you.

The angry face is in relation to the fact that people ask what I want, I tell them, and it falls on deaf ears. As I've said before I don't see the point in giving gifts for the sake of it, so if you're not going to take into account what someone wants, why bother? It does indeed make me angry that gift-giving has become this empty exercise in etiquette (get me and my alliteration) where gifts are expected and people get annoyed if they're not given. Rather than cut a pregnant, cash-strapped lady some slack people would rather see her have one more thing on her plate and to waste money on those kind of gifts that do indeed make me angry - pointless, etiquette related gifts.

I dont like the thought of giving gifts for the sake of it either, WriterofDreams, so I'm with you there. And I also agree that gratitude for the act of giving a gift is often separate from actually liking the gift, and that's because you like what you like.

I feel for the OP because she's feeling pressure to do somethinig that is obviously a tradition in her family, that probably wasn't created by her and probably was created by the whole advertising and consumerism thing.

Simply opting out would be difficult for her. It shouldn't be, but no amount of telling her how it is in your family or how it should be will make this issue dissapear for her, that's all.

I am agraid that i also think YAB abit U. DD was born last Dec and knowing that the two wouldn't mix well, i did most of my christmas shopping well in advance. However, i was still waddling around town with a couple of weeks to go, but it was quite nice to be out and about. I understand though that if you were planning to make the gifts that is a slighly different situation. you never know, you might get a late energy surge, or as countless others have said, there's always the internet if you want to get people a token gift. :)

Whilst i am not going to be drawn into the argument about whether or not it is appropriate to be so stressed about gift giving; i can safely say that if we bought no presents at christmas, except for in case of extreme financial hardship, or some life changing disaster, it would go down like a fart in a lift with our friends and family. Neither my family, nor DH's are in any way grabbing or superficial, but there is a general feeling that if you can afford to live in a nice house, drive a reasonable car and go out for the occasional meal, you can also afford to get someone a present for christmas. Doesn't matter if it's small, or home made or whatever, but it's the fact that you have thought enough of someone to buy/make them a gift. Of course, i appreciate that not everyone is as fortunate as us and if we were seriously skint then family wouldn't expect anything, but then neither do you want to take the mickey.

I hope though OP, regardless of all the above that you have a lovely christmas and that your baby doesn't keep you waiting too long!