to be really uncomfortable about this?

[poetscorner]

Have namechanged just in case....

DH's sister died just under 2 years ago. She was 40 and married. Everyone coping OK with it (as much as you can anyway). BiL met someone else which we are very pleased about. He rang this morning to say he will be coming to visit just before Christmas. Only he said 'we' not 'he'. He's been hinting at bringing his new lady to visit for a while, but has never actually come out with it before. There wasnt a question from him about whether we would find it acceptable or even difficult, only about whether we'd be at home.

Neither my DH nor I are particularly close to him, he lives hundreds of miles away in Scotland, although I hope we have been very supportive of him during the grieving process. He's a nice enough guy, but I think this is a huge ask of us (as does DH). Would be more than happy to see him at family functions and keep in touch, but as for bringing his new partner to our home, nope. DH feels uncomfortable about it, I feel uncomfortable about it, and how on earth will the poor woman feel?

Dont think he has much insight into how other people feel about things at all as he blithely told me that he wanted to introduce her to 'MiL' (as in late wife's mother). When I said she (MiL) might find that really difficult, he couldnt see it at all.

Should we just say yes to this visit, when actually I think we really want to say no? And if we say no, how on earth do we do it?

PS just to emphasise, its not about wanting him to remain single at all, its just that DH was really close to his sister, and I was too. Pleased that he is moving on but dont want to be particularly involved in them as a couple. Does that make any sense?

Aaah, that is interesting. It suggests (to me) that he does have some sensitivity about this. You are maybe someone he sees as a more neutral person, being a non-blood relative.

agree with fel1x

I dont get the sense that he is finding it nerve-racking actually, in that blokey non-insight kind of way! Think he has been with new partner for a long time now (which before anyone jumps on me, is also fine) and I guess as some of you have said he just sees it as normal progression. Still difficult though.

G'wan - go for it. You might like her. Imagine how she feels.

i have no experience of situation like this, but do you think that by bringing her to meet you all, he is seeking some sort of approval from his wifes family that they are ok with him moving on and his choice of partner?

personally i think its great you still see him as family, and in time i guess you will need to meet her, but if your not ready your not ready. it should be up to mil if she wants to meet her i think

I cant imagine how she feels JLC! What an ordeal for her meeting all of us

I started off thinking YABU but reading the replies has changed my mind. YANBU to feel it's a difficult situation and perhaps finding it very upsetting to see them together - however, you have clearly made the choice to keep in touch with him and include him within your family. His new relationship is a serious one, and it is impossible to remain on those terms with someone yet refuse to have their new partner involved in any way. I think your decision now is whether to remain on the same terms with him and accept that this means meeting his new partner, or if this is too difficult then deciding that you can't proceed on the same basis in terms of your relationhip with him

I think that it is nice that he wants to keep in touch and still have a relationship-it seems very sad if you are cutting him off and I'm sure that DHs sister wouldn't have wanted it.
My DH1 died and I married again, DHs family are part of our extended family and the DCs just have extra garandparents, aunts etc. His family have been very generous-DH is dead-nothing will bring him back -am I really supposed to live for 60yrs or so as a widow and not have had more DCs -or had to sever connections? It seems weird-surely the sister would have wanted her DH to meet someone else and for him to have been kept in the family. DH2 has his own relationship with DH1's family and has seen them on his own. YABU.

Thats an interesting perspective pisces, thank you. Just to say it again, we have never said that he should live as a widow nor that he shouldnt have any children (although he never wanted children before - it was a big bone of contention with my SiL - so prob wont happen anyway, although there will now be stepchildren).

Forgive me if I'm reading too much into this. Sounds like he annoys you and has maybe always annoyed you a bit. And his insensitivity about this is an example of that.

What about this pov ?

Last year I had a diagnosis of breast cancer and am just finishing the rather gruelling treatment. I had a large tumour and a large number of lymph nodes affected which means my odds of survival aren't as good as my medical team had originally thought.. I'm in my 40's.

Obviously I want to live and to remain happily married to my lovely dh but if the worst happens I want his life to move on and I want him and our children to snatch whatever happines they can. That's what love is.

If two years after my death he were to meet another woman and my family "weren't sure" about this, of course it would be uncomfortable, and to an extent understandable. But are you sure what you're looking at isn't just a barrier that needs to be breached sooner rather than later, allowing your bil to move on with his life and make the best of what must have been a devastating situation for all of you ?
I think it's sweet he wants you to meet her. It can't be easy for him either but please give him some credit for making the first move.

If you do meet up I suggest a meal out so its on neutral grounds, and not too close to Christmas.

I'm sure that my DH1 would be happy to know that his parents, brother SIL,nephew, aunts etc etc were part of our big extended family rather than have them cut us out of their lives in his memory because they felt uncomfortable. We don't forget DH1 (I could still cry if I were to dwell on his death)but life moves on. Perhaps just explain to BIL that you will find it difficult and can he take it slowly?

healthyElfy has a good suggestion.

I would put my own feelings aside and put his first as he is the one who has suffered the most.

I'm not sure you can quantify who has suffered most HG, nor that it really serves much purpose. If we were to go down that route, then you could say that her parents have probably suffered just as much.

Her parents have each other. You have dh. He lost his dw.

Just my view - you don't have to agree.

Actually they dont have each other, but thats a whole other story.

I cant imagine much worse than burying your child. Suppose at least if a partner dies you may have a chance to find another person to share your life with and fulfil some of those needs (and thats a good thing just in case anyone thinks I'm saying not).

As I said though, not really an avenue that will serve much purpose

oh I'm not sure I agree with quantifying loss.

rubyrubyruby - reading this thread has made both me and DH think a bit more about what to do, and what you say is very wise.

I think it's an important part of the process to have your approval if you like. Of course it will be hard for you but I think it will be just as hard for him, I don't suppose he's doing it lightly.

Would you be able to have a word with him and say yes, come but it might be tricky as it's so soon or whatever. I tihnk it's important that he knows you're trying and not blocking him out or disapproving (I know you're not).

Very difficult situation though :(

Do you think it would have been easier if it wasn't just before Christmas, but some random day any other time of year?

I understand where you're coming from - at certain times of year, and Christmas is often the biggy, being played up as a "family time", you do think more of the lost members of your family. And because it becomes a time to remember them and almost mourn them a bit more deeply again, any intrusion into that is a bit more painful. I know my Dad starts a mood decline from the middle of November onwards to Christmas (Mum died 3y ago).

It is nice that your BIL wants to bring his new DP to meet his ILs, who he clearly wants to continue to be in his life, but he could have perhaps timed it better, especially if they have been together a while; but on the other hand, if he lives so far away, perhaps this is a justifiable combination of visits to him (i.e. - see ILs for Christmas, get ILs to meet new DP).

So - if it were me - I would have a word with BIL and say something along the lines of "look, we would love to see you and meet your new DP but just before Christmas is a touch too raw for DH and MIL, would you be able to come down after Christmas instead?"

OP has said she isn't that close to her BIL if her DH feels awkward meeting his sister's replacement. Why should he have to?

Just be honest, you are happy he is moved on but it is impossible for your dh to move on by replacing his sister so he may need much longer or may never be comfortable with the situation