Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to be really uncomfortable about this?

104 replies

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 09:29

Have namechanged just in case....

DH's sister died just under 2 years ago. She was 40 and married. Everyone coping OK with it (as much as you can anyway). BiL met someone else which we are very pleased about. He rang this morning to say he will be coming to visit just before Christmas. Only he said 'we' not 'he'. He's been hinting at bringing his new lady to visit for a while, but has never actually come out with it before. There wasnt a question from him about whether we would find it acceptable or even difficult, only about whether we'd be at home.

Neither my DH nor I are particularly close to him, he lives hundreds of miles away in Scotland, although I hope we have been very supportive of him during the grieving process. He's a nice enough guy, but I think this is a huge ask of us (as does DH). Would be more than happy to see him at family functions and keep in touch, but as for bringing his new partner to our home, nope. DH feels uncomfortable about it, I feel uncomfortable about it, and how on earth will the poor woman feel?

Dont think he has much insight into how other people feel about things at all as he blithely told me that he wanted to introduce her to 'MiL' (as in late wife's mother). When I said she (MiL) might find that really difficult, he couldnt see it at all.

Should we just say yes to this visit, when actually I think we really want to say no? And if we say no, how on earth do we do it?

PS just to emphasise, its not about wanting him to remain single at all, its just that DH was really close to his sister, and I was too. Pleased that he is moving on but dont want to be particularly involved in them as a couple. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 23/11/2010 10:00

You don't mention any children I think? If there were children of the marriage then I think it's extremely important to let them know, by accepting the visit and the new partner, that they and their father are still part of the family. If it was just him and his wife then on reflection I agree with fel1x and madonnawhore. It seems extremely rude and selfish to reject him that way.

Beb · 23/11/2010 10:01

Another one who agrees with Fel1x here - perhaps the key is to stop thinking of BIL as DH's-sister's-husband, but to see him as part of the family in his own right, and surely as a friend as well?

He was part of the whole family with his wife, and now that she is gone it seems very sad that he is no longer able to share his future - and the people in it - with you all.

Original poster

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 10:02

Notanotherbrick - if you re-read my post, you will see that we are really pleased he has met someone. Why would you ever think we wanted him to stay single? And we have seen him and supported him and done what we can, despite not being especially close to him.

Warthog, thank you, I think you've summed up the whole thing really well

OP posts:

quietlysuggests · 23/11/2010 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 23/11/2010 10:04

I have to say I agree with those that say YABa bit U. Especially as you've said that you still see him as part of the family.

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/11/2010 10:05

I can see this is massively difficult on all sides.

I think it's a shame that your BIl is not sensitive enough to have acknowledged any awkwardness, especially with his MIL.

But I do agree with felix and madonnawhore that if you do want him in your life then you will have to meet her sooner or later

Be honest with him though - tell him that is not easy for your DH and you. Maybe try and meet her in a pub or something. Maybe Xmas day is not the best time for you

NotAnotherBrick · 23/11/2010 10:05

So why can't you see her?

Put yourself in her shoes. YOu meet someone, you find out their wife died, you fall in love, they tell you how wonderful his wife's family are and that he's still close to them but....they refuse to see you because...well, I'm not quite sure why...you're not her? Why?

I'm really sorry that your DH's sister died - it is a terrible thing to happen to a family - but I still think you are being unreasonable.

Deliaskis · 23/11/2010 10:08

I realise this is a very tricky situation, and people are bound to feel odd about it, which is not unreasonable, but the thing is, when you marry, you marry into someone else's family, and I don't think that should necessarily always be dependent on the 'link' blood relative being alive. You're either part of the family or you're not. Obviously this is different to if the couple separated or divorced, as that would be an active decision not to be the same family anymore, but that isn't what happened here.

I understand you are feeling weird about this, but if I died, I would hope that my family would be happy for DH if 2 yrs later he met someone else, and I hope they would be welcome in their home for a visit, or that if e.g. they met out in a local pub etc. that they would be happy to meet DH's new OH. My Mum & Dad look on DH like almost their own son, and I can't imagine them not wanting DH's new GF around 2 yrs after I had died.

Obviously it's going to feel a little uncomfortable, but I don't think that's a reason not to do it.

beijingaling · 23/11/2010 10:10

I don't understand why you're uncomfortable either sorry. I understand you're really pleased for him and still (I think) see him as part of the family so I'm not sure why you're uncomfortable with this aspect of it.

Myleetlepony · 23/11/2010 10:11

"Yes I think he still sees himself as part of our family, but we actually do still see him as part of ours and we are all genuinely pleased that he has met someone."
In that case, I think you and your DH should take a deep breath and think about this a bit more. This new lady isn't taking anything from your family, she is changing the life of someone who is your friend. I think you should be happy for him, and treat him as you would any other friend who is happy in a new relationship. I know it's hard, but I think in a way you are making it hard on yourselves by the way you are choosing to feel about this. He's not bringing a replacement for your SIL, he's introducing you to a new person in his life who is obviously very special to him. If she wasn't, he wouldn't be bringing her. He is expecting you to be happy for him.

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/11/2010 10:13

... I think the problem is that it's Christmas. Any other time would be less emotionally-laden.

girlafraid · 23/11/2010 10:17

I can understand why you find this difficult but I think you're going to have to put your feelings to one side and be mature about this.
Every sympathy to you and your DH for losing a dear sister and SIL. This poor man lost his wife and is respectfully moving on with his life. This is a very good thing and to make him feel bad about that would not be a helpful thing to do.

It sounds harsh but I don't think this is about you, he is the one who has to live his life and he deserves to be happy - you should be happy for him too.

wannaBe · 23/11/2010 10:18

yabu.

She was his wife as well as your dh's sister - to him she was family. And now that she's no longer there you all want to shut him out because he's dared to move on and find happyness again.

Jux · 23/11/2010 10:18

My cousin died unexpectedly a few years ago. His partner is now one of my best friends, though I barely knew her before he died.

She has a new partner now who is almost as much a part of our family as she is and my cousin was.

I do think that if you really aren't ready to meet your BIL's new partner - and that is fair enough - then you should just be honest with him. Tell him you are really glad he's found someone and you are delighted they are happy together, but that you and your dh are simply not ready to meet her yet.

Bear in mind, though, that the longer you leave it the more difficult you might find it.

wannaBe · 23/11/2010 10:21

also, as your dh's wife are you comfortable with the notion that you are, in effect, not a part of your dh's family? because that is how you are treating your bil...

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/11/2010 10:22

I think you should plan to meet in a pub or go for a walk - somewhere where you can leave when you want to. Small steps

elphabadefiesgravity · 23/11/2010 10:28

YABU I'm afraid.

A similar thing happened in my family excpet children were involved. My Mums's sister dies leaving two small children. The timescale was a lot faster, her dh found a new partner within 12 months.

Some parts of the family made it very difficult and wouldnt acknowledge her or attend family dos if she went (not my Mum though). I can understand it as my Nan took her dd's death VERY badly but he is entitled to move on.

MrsTittleMouse · 23/11/2010 10:33

I can completely understand why you don't feel comfortable about it. I've always told DH that if I die then it's OK for him to find someone else. I don't want him to be lonely for the rest of his life. Well, I don't want him to be lonely, which is why I said it, but even so I actually really hate the idea of him being able to find someone else to "replace" me and of course there are going to be some ways in which she is better than me, and... well, I can feel my hackles rise just thinking about it. If he really loved me, then he wouldn't be able to love anyone else, because I would be his true love, right? Actually, that's wrong, and people who have very strong loving relationships grieve more quickly if one of them dies, and are much more likely to marry again. Because there is no guilt or regret to get in the way of grieving properly. So even though my gut reaction is to tell him to sob over my photo for the rest of my life, I lie through my teeth, because I know it's the right thing.

The trouble is that I can tell DH to marry again because I won't be around to see it happen. Whereas your DH knows that his BIL has found another relationship. I would also find it hard, especially as two years is such a short time in the scheme of things. I found that it took me nine years for the raw-ness of my bereavement to ease, and even now I struggle sometimes.

But I think that it's worth not giving in to the initial gut reaction to this new relationship, even though it must be really difficult. Because it sounds as though you have a very good relationship with your BIL and he sounds like a really nice man who loves your family.

Original poster

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 10:34

wannabe...not sure how many more times I can say it but its not that he's 'dared to move on and find happiness again'.

Its that actually its bloody difficult for everyone (him, bereaved parents, us) when someone you really love has died (as some others can see). Everyone is happy that he has met someone, but its still tough when someone tells you that they are coming to visit with their new partner without a 'would you be OK with' or 'I know it might be a bit tough' or 'I would really like to introduce you to x' conversation. If we had been asked, or there had been an acknowledgement that this is a big step for everyone, then I dont doubt it would have been easier.

OP posts:

girlafraid · 23/11/2010 10:36

Maybe asking you if it's OK would make him feel bad and he already finds it difficult enough?
He's a bloke - maybe just cracking on with things is what works best for him?

Also, asking your permission does kind of impute that he is doing something wrong. He's not really is he?

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/11/2010 10:37

What about my idea poetscorner?

madonnawhore · 23/11/2010 10:39

What girlafraid said.

He probably didn't feel the need to acknowledge that it's a big step because it isn't actually really. It's just a natural progression.

It doesn't need to be a big deal and you're making it one.

NotAnotherBrick · 23/11/2010 10:40

Maybe he thought you were all more reasonable and understanding than you, in fact, are!?

I'm really sorry that you're feeling got at, but please try to see it from his and her point of view. He lost his wife, FFS! You're not being the slightest bit sensitive to him to make it an issue that he's bringing his girlfriend to meet him.

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/11/2010 10:41

I do entirely see what you are saying. He hasn't said the words you wanted to hear. But it would be awkward anyway, regardless if he'd said them or not.

And it is presumably very nerve-wracking for him too...

Original poster

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 10:42

Hi JLC, I think that might be a way forward. He seems to be planning on coming when my DH wont be here (dont know whether thats deliberate or not) so it would be something I'd have to do on my own. Doing it in small steps would be much easier and less awkward for all

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5