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AIBU?

to be really uncomfortable about this?

104 replies

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 09:29

Have namechanged just in case....

DH's sister died just under 2 years ago. She was 40 and married. Everyone coping OK with it (as much as you can anyway). BiL met someone else which we are very pleased about. He rang this morning to say he will be coming to visit just before Christmas. Only he said 'we' not 'he'. He's been hinting at bringing his new lady to visit for a while, but has never actually come out with it before. There wasnt a question from him about whether we would find it acceptable or even difficult, only about whether we'd be at home.

Neither my DH nor I are particularly close to him, he lives hundreds of miles away in Scotland, although I hope we have been very supportive of him during the grieving process. He's a nice enough guy, but I think this is a huge ask of us (as does DH). Would be more than happy to see him at family functions and keep in touch, but as for bringing his new partner to our home, nope. DH feels uncomfortable about it, I feel uncomfortable about it, and how on earth will the poor woman feel?

Dont think he has much insight into how other people feel about things at all as he blithely told me that he wanted to introduce her to 'MiL' (as in late wife's mother). When I said she (MiL) might find that really difficult, he couldnt see it at all.

Should we just say yes to this visit, when actually I think we really want to say no? And if we say no, how on earth do we do it?

PS just to emphasise, its not about wanting him to remain single at all, its just that DH was really close to his sister, and I was too. Pleased that he is moving on but dont want to be particularly involved in them as a couple. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:

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MorticiaAddams · 23/11/2010 13:09

I have been in this situation (without the distance) and have a great relationship with bil's now wife.

When my sister died, we still maintained a relationship with bil. He is very much loved as he ever was and still part of our family as is his now wife. We see them both regularly and probably have more contact with her now than him and the kids see her as another aunty.

It would seem that you don't see him as your family any more. It may sound harsh but I think you need to let him know where he stands and if you can't maintain a relationship with him now that he is moving forward with his life then you need to let him know.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 13:13

I can't understand that attitude theevildead-do you really think the sister would want her DH and brother estranged? I don't think so-not if she loved them both in life. Given the choice I think that she would want him to meet someone else and be happy -and not want her family throwing a spanner in the works! Just get him to understand it is delicate and needs to move slowly.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 13:14

I agree with Morticia-if you don't see him as family and only put up with him as the 'other half' best to say so at the beginning.

MorticiaAddams · 23/11/2010 13:18

theevildead2 - He's not replacing his wife, nobody can ever do that, he has a new girlfiend and even if she became a wife she wouldn't be a replacement but a new wife. They are completely different people and it's not fair on anyone to see it that way.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 13:40

Skimmed through the last tranche of replies, so sorry if this has been said already.

I think it'd be a good idea for this chap to introduce his new GF to your DH family.

He loved your SIL, and was a part of the family. It would be odd for him not to introduce her ever to people he knew for so long, to cut them all off.

I do however think that Christmas is far too an emotive time to do it.

My reaction would be that we didn't have the time to meet over christmas, or even tell the truth, that it's still only 2yrs since your H lost his sister, and it'd be hard for him on some level to be reminded that she's gone in this way. Tell the chap that you would more than welcome a visit in the new year.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 23/11/2010 13:55

This poor guy is in a no win situation - if he broke all contact with his late wifes family and did not want to stay in touch because he found the memories of shared times too painful, he would get slated for that and called selfish.
Yet he wants to stay friends and let his extended family meet someone who has become a special part of his life, and they don't wnat to know!

TBH I think you all owe it to him.I am sure it is what SIL would expect.

I bet you would all feel differently if there were SILs children involved!

and as another poster said OP, he is as much part of DH family as you are. If your DH died, would you expect to be cut off from the wider family and have to go your own way?

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 23/11/2010 13:57

and sorry if this has been asked, but how long were they married? I am wondering whether he is being viewed as a relative newcomer himself (no pun intended in word relative), so one who it is easy to cut ties with, rather than someone who has been part of the family for decades. i might be wrong

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 14:18

Hang on a mo PABL, we have all stayed in touch with him. As said at the outset, we were never particularly close before (didnt really have anything in common) although SiL was very close with her brother, her Mum, and hopefully she would have said me too. He wanted to come on holiday with us and so we of course said yes, have tried to be a good listener whenever we spoke etc, but tbh he never rang us (as in DH or I)before SiL died, and we never really rang him either, that relationship just wasnt like that.

I think unless you have been in the situation its hard to understand what a delicate situation this really is for everyone.

OP posts:

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 14:22

that should be PABH sorry

OP posts:

theevildead2 · 23/11/2010 14:28

MorticiaAddams piscesmoon

I hope my post didn't sound harsh when I said "replacing" but what I mean is the position of other half has been filled for BIL.

The position of sister can never be filled and there will alway be a hole and at Christmas time and being forced to look at BIL with happy new girlfriend will probably be heart wrenching after only one or two Christmases.

I think Bil is being insensitive.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 16:59

The problem is how many years does it take? I am years on-and I can still get upset-can he never see you at Christmas because it is emotive? Will 5 yr be OK, 6yrs, 10yrs-I think probably not-so best to be welcoming. My father died 30yrs ago and I still feel the gap at Christmas,there is no 'magic time' when it goes away.

poetscorner · 23/11/2010 17:55

We never saw them at christmas before by the way

OP posts:

pinkstarlight · 23/11/2010 18:05

can you not just be honest and tell him your pleased he has met someone,but your not as yet ready to meet his new lady especially around christmas time.

theevildead2 · 23/11/2010 20:42

Look if you were not close before you don't have any obligations to meet him, or to make him feel better about his decision, it is good he has been able to move on but he is being insensitive trying make you help him feel better about his new girlfriend.

rivi · 23/11/2010 21:26

he is being insensitive.yanbu.

twolittlemonkeys · 23/11/2010 21:31

I agree that it's obviously important to him that you approve of him moving on. Why shouldn't he want to remain close to your side of the family. My BIL's wives are close friends of mine and I know I'd want to stay in touch if (heaven forbid) DH died, and yes, I'd introduce a new partner to his family eventually I think.

MumNWLondon · 23/11/2010 21:51

Personally I think it depends whether there are children. If there are totally reasonable to want them to keep in touch with their mother's family, and if that includes new partner then so be it. If there are no children then think its a bit odd.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 22:05

I don't think it is in the least odd-it seems to be saying we don't actually like ILs but we will put up with you because you have DCs!

MrsNonSmoker · 23/11/2010 22:19

Interesting. I'm in a similar situation, although its not such a close relative. The new partner in question turned up uninvited to an event at my DCs school which I thought was beyond odd. I think BiL is being insensitive and what was key for me was that you never saw DH's sister at Christmas much anyway, even more reason why the new partner should wait to be invited (hope she doesn't turn up at your DCs' nativity play - sorry assume you have DC haven't read whole thread).

BonniePrinceBilly · 23/11/2010 22:32

Well either you think of him as part of your family or you don't. If you did, you would welcome them both, if you don't why would you see him at all.

If you don't want to, thats fine, YANBU. But neither is he. If my DH's brother died, his wife would always be part of family as long as she wanted to be, whether or not she married again.
You don't have to feel like that, but you can't expect him not to.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 22:34

I think that sums it up perfectly BonniePrinceBilly.

ChippingIn · 23/11/2010 22:35

If I were you I would tell him that you are all still finding Christmas without DH's sister too emotional and as much as you are happy for him, you & the PIL just can't handle meeting his new GF right now and that you think it's best to arrange something in the New Year. That gives you a bit of time to think about how to handle it, if you want to handle it and if not - what to do about it.

newwave · 23/11/2010 22:37

I think is is nice that he still considers his late wifes family his family, would be harsh to push him away.

Just be straight with him, tell him it will be hard on your MIL and DH and suggest you meet on neutral ground, the BIL seems a decent bloke

BonniePrinceBilly · 23/11/2010 22:53

first time anyones said that to me pices!

estuardo · 23/11/2010 23:15

I think you are being extremely unreasonable. However you can't help how you feel.
Please put your feelings aside and welcomehim and his new partner

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