to be really uncomfortable about this?

[poetscorner]

Have namechanged just in case....

DH's sister died just under 2 years ago. She was 40 and married. Everyone coping OK with it (as much as you can anyway). BiL met someone else which we are very pleased about. He rang this morning to say he will be coming to visit just before Christmas. Only he said 'we' not 'he'. He's been hinting at bringing his new lady to visit for a while, but has never actually come out with it before. There wasnt a question from him about whether we would find it acceptable or even difficult, only about whether we'd be at home.

Neither my DH nor I are particularly close to him, he lives hundreds of miles away in Scotland, although I hope we have been very supportive of him during the grieving process. He's a nice enough guy, but I think this is a huge ask of us (as does DH). Would be more than happy to see him at family functions and keep in touch, but as for bringing his new partner to our home, nope. DH feels uncomfortable about it, I feel uncomfortable about it, and how on earth will the poor woman feel?

Dont think he has much insight into how other people feel about things at all as he blithely told me that he wanted to introduce her to 'MiL' (as in late wife's mother). When I said she (MiL) might find that really difficult, he couldnt see it at all.

Should we just say yes to this visit, when actually I think we really want to say no? And if we say no, how on earth do we do it?

PS just to emphasise, its not about wanting him to remain single at all, its just that DH was really close to his sister, and I was too. Pleased that he is moving on but dont want to be particularly involved in them as a couple. Does that make any sense?

[differentnameforthis]

I am very close to my DH''s family and have been part of their family for over 12 years. If anything were to happen to DH then I'd hope to still always be a part of their family

Completely agree! I have been with dh for 21 years, married for 16 & view his family as mine. For his sister to say that I am not welcome, should he die, would devastate me.

You obv mean a lot to him, for he wants to come & see you all. maybe he needs your dh's approval before he can be truly happy with his new gf?

[piscesmoon]

I always get a shock, too, when people agree with me Bonnie-it doesn't often happen!

When I married DH1 I felt part of the family. When I was struggling to come to terms with his death I would have been devastated if I had found out that actually they didn't want to see me without their DS. It was natural that when I met someone else I would want them to meet and be part of the family too. I am very grateful that they were generous and felt the same way. If they had refused to meet him we would have all been poorer for the lack of relationship and DH1, if here, would probably be saddened by the split. Welcoming a new person doesn't mean that you forget or replace the first.

[echt]

OP - listen to what piscesmoon says.

Everyone's being really nice here, especially considering you posted on AIBU.

Be generous. Count yourself lucky to have a family that's growing.

[piscesmoon]

There is no harm in being truthful and asking him to take it slowly. Meeting on neutral territory was the best advice.