Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feeling upset my friend didn't tell me she was pregnant?

38 replies

kanchan · 19/11/2010 17:44

A friend who I consider a good friend and I've known for about 10 years told me last week that she's 20 weeks pregnant. She's had various tests and I can understand why she hasn't made it public until now.

But 2 other friends already knew and it turns out she told them ages ago. Should I be as upset as I am?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 19/11/2010 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspear · 19/11/2010 17:51

well it depends. You say she had tests? Would that be to check if the baby is OK? Would she then have terminated and be frightened to lose friendship? Or maybe she didn't want to discuss with many until she knew all was ok?

Lots of possibles, i would talk and ask why so late? Maybe she simply does realise the upset?

MadamDeathstare · 19/11/2010 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhishFoodAddiction · 19/11/2010 17:54

I can see why you're a bit upset about it as it seems you've been 'left out' when others have been told before you...

But YABU as it's up to your friend who she tells and when. I wouldn't bother asking her reasons, just congratulate her and move on.

AngryBeaver · 19/11/2010 17:59

my best friend didn't tell me until she was 5 months.i was dumfounded,and felt hurt and stupid,like i cared for her more than she did for me.
then i started thinking what coud be so awful that she wouldn't tell me.
i found out(i wish i hadn't),and now i understand.
there's lots of reasons why she may not have felt she could tll you.try not to feel hurt,just be happy for your friend

brass · 19/11/2010 18:00

yes I understand why you feel like this.

Either let it go because women and hormones do funny inexplicable things

or say that you are disappointed she felt able to tell the others and not you and can't help wondering why she couldn't share it with you?

lucy101 · 19/11/2010 18:00

I lost a baby at nearly 8 months not long ago... and this time have had endless scans and tests. I have only started telling people in the last few weeks and I am nearly 28 weeks. Some people I told earlier if for instance they were going to cook for me and I was worried about unpasteurised stuff etc. (but explained I didn't want it to be common knowledge) and other people guessed which made me rather uncomfortable as I was still dealing with losing my last baby and the new pregnancy was bringing everything up again and I didn't know how to respond to questions without getting very upset sometimes (which I obviously wanted to avoid). I also knew that some friends, even ones I love dearly, didn't understand what I had been through and I knew wouldn't be able to be supportive.

I have to say that you need to get over why she might not have told you and how you feel about that and I don't think you should confront her either. It isn't necessarily a judgement on your friendship. Be glad for her now and enjoy her pregnancy with her.

Original poster
kanchan · 19/11/2010 18:38

she didn't want to make it public until she was certain the baby was ok, which I understand. I know I'm not her best friend but I do see her very often and at least once a week for about 30 min just me and her. So yes, I am hurt that she didn't feel she could confide in me. But I am delighted for her and wouldn't dream of spoiling things so I'll just moan here:)

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 19/11/2010 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serendippy · 19/11/2010 19:57

YABU. She might have been desperate to confide in you but too scared of even saying the words aloud again. She might have thought you would be so excited that she would then feel terrible if she had to tell you that there was something wrong. Sometimes there are very good reasons why we keep things from those closest to us, normally because we care so much about them we do not want to see them upset, even if we must be.

Well done for deciding to moan only on here, wouldn't bring it up as she has obviously been through a difficult time and would not be expecting to have to justify her actions to a friend.

classydiva · 19/11/2010 19:59

Maybe she is closer to them. Be happy for her and stop smarting about yourself

ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 20:00

I can understand why you are upset :(

I'd leave it for now, but if it's still bothering you once she's had the baby you could ask her why she didn't feel she could confide in you. No harm in that is there.

ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 20:01

IMO - it would be better to say something then, than have it come between you - but then I'm quite upfront and honest and would prefer people be like that with me than have hidden upsets.

Serendippy · 19/11/2010 20:06

ChippingIn in this case I would disagree, the OP's friend didn't tell the OP because she was worried about her baby and told a couple of people she was closer to. How do you say to someone, 'I am not as close to you as I am to others' without causing upset? The OP knows that she is not the best friend, she also knows the girl was worried about her baby, she does not need it voiced. I would be sad if someone thought their feelings came above my worry for my unborn child in this situation.

bellastella · 19/11/2010 20:06

I'm nearly 19 weeks pregnant and the only people that know are my OH and the man that came to mend the central heating on wednesday!
My reason for not telling anyone else is because I had some medication before I knew I was pregnant that doesn't agree with babies and I'm waiting for the 20 week anomoly scan results and I hope then that it's good news and I can tell people.
It has been a horrible experience not telling anyone, I've desparately needed support but chose to deny myself that as I was unsure as to whether I'd want to keep a baby that had terrible problems and I didn't know how other people would react to that.
I agree it is crappy for you but she must've had her own crap to deal with.

mumeeee · 19/11/2010 20:08

YABU, Perhaps the other friends guessed and asked her.

Rockbird · 19/11/2010 20:11

OK serious question here. Those of you that have said the OP is BU, if you were the OP, would you really shrug and say hey ho or would you secretly be a bit miffed? I don't mean, would you say something but would you really not think hmm, nice of you to mention it?

brass · 19/11/2010 20:13

Serendippy it's caused upset regardless. She knows she is not the best friend now but obviously thought they were closer before this.

It's important to know where you stand in life. You can't go around thinking you're bestest mates with people if it's one sided and you're not. It would make you wonder about your other friendships surely? I think we're really good friends..oh no hang on maybe we're not!

Serendippy · 19/11/2010 20:14

Rockbird I have never been upset that a friend hasn't told me before the 12 week scan that she was pregnant, even if she has told a couple of other people, as I understand that people want to make sure the baby is OK before publicising the news. I see this as the same situation, it is further along in the pregnancy but OP's friend was worried and did not want the news made public. So in the same situation I can't imagine myself thinking 'Hmmm, nice of you to mention it', I honestly think if I were to be upset about anything it would be that my friend had not been able to enjoy the whole pregnancy.

Rockbird · 19/11/2010 20:15

Fair enough :)

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 19/11/2010 20:18

I can understand why you're upset... I've been in a similar situation with a friend. But equally, I've been pregnant and scared and found it easier to confide in not-so-close friends than those with whom I am really close.

So yes, I think YABU but I wouldn't let this worry you...

Serendippy · 19/11/2010 20:24

brass my worry is that the conversation would go,
OP: Why didn't you tell me?
Friend: Because I was so worried about my baby
OP: But you told other people (sounding whiney now)
F: Yes, but I didn't want to tell many people
OP: But why not ME?

I hate the idea that this girl has been through a really hard time and will be expected to justify herself. She might have loads of friends she sees once a week for 30 mins. She might have felt the OP was too close and not have wanted to upset her further if there was something wrong with the baby. But whatever the reasons, she is the one who needs support now, not someone who has hurt feelings.

I understand why the OP feels upset, but not why she feels so strongly upset. If this girl is a friend, OP should understand that the friend had her reasons and not hold her to account. Friends should not be asked to explain themselves when things are already tough. I think the OP knows this as she has already said that she is not going to mention it, just to moan on here which is perfectly acceptable.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2010 20:32

I think what you need to ask yourself is what you were talking about for the 30 minutes you see each other every week, and how come she managed to get to 20 weeks pregnant without you even noticing....

ChippingIn · 19/11/2010 20:36

Serendippity I would be sad if someone thought their feelings came above my worry for my unborn child in this situation

I'm sorry, but one has nothing to do with the other there. Telling or not telling is not going to change the situation with the unborn child.

I also think that friends can be asked to discuss things that have hurt you - it's not the same as justifying their actions.

I think that if Kanchan still feels upset about this after the baby is born, then she should talk to her friend about it otherwise it could ruin a friendship and it isn't for anyone else to decide whether it should or not.

Fenouille · 19/11/2010 20:36

Well, I've been on both sides. My very good friend didn't tell me she was pg until about the fifth month. I told her I was upset she didn't confide in me and she told me she'd told her best friend and SIL who'd both reacted really badly to the news and completely put her off sharing the news further.

I then didn't tell many of my friends when I got pg, not because the pg wasn't desired in itself but because I found that once pg I had very mixed feelings about it and found it difficult to respond appropriately to all the "oh you must be so excited"'s. Many friends only got the news once DS had arrived, which I don't feel good about and regret now. But as someone upthread said, pg women have weird hormones...