to feeling upset my friend didn't tell me she was pregnant?

[kanchan]

A friend who I consider a good friend and I've known for about 10 years told me last week that she's 20 weeks pregnant. She's had various tests and I can understand why she hasn't made it public until now.

But 2 other friends already knew and it turns out she told them ages ago. Should I be as upset as I am?

What I promptly forgot to say in conclusion is that there might be any number of reasons she didn't confide in you so try not to take it personally. It really depends on your friendship as to whether you can ask her why but ultimately if you value her friendship then it might be best to let it go.

Serendippy the dialogue is trite and no one is saying give her a hard time.

It's raised a question about their relationship which will remain hanging in the air.

The friend DID share it with some people so there was an active decision there to exclude OP (whatever the (good) reason).

In my 'friendships' I would fully expect to be able to discuss something which was bothering me - obviously I would be tactful in my timing and words.

Probably what hurt the most is that she shared the news with others but not with me.And the fact that she's had some pretty serious tests done in the last 6 weeks and not told me about this makes me think that really she doesn't trust me as much as I trust her. That's probably what it boils down to....if the situation was reversed I would have confided in her.

Reading back it does sound trivial when I said I spend 30 min a week with her....what I should have said is that we see each other every day, but at least once a week it's always just us and a coffee so she's had plenty of opportunities to share her worries and her good news too.

It's always sad when you realise that a relationship you have with someone is not as you thought it was.

Kancham - I really think you should talk to her once she's had the baby (or before if you can't wait). She might have a really good reason that will make you feel better and you can continue your close relationship, on the other hand she may not - but at least you'll know where she stands and you haven't got anything to lose as you are already losing the closeness you thought you had. It might upset her a bit and that's a shame, but not the end of the world - she'll cope.

Of course OP. The relationship may not have changed for her BUT it has changed for you.

Personally if I was going to do it at all I'd do it AFTER the baby.

No, I won't talk to her about it now and hopefully by the time the baby's born it'll be water under the bridge.

YABU. It's not really anyone else's business but hers (and partner / husband if relevant).

When I was pregnant with DD I chose not to tell anyone but DH until 6 months. Friends were surprised but not offended. If anyone (except my mother - that was touch and go...) had been offended I would have thought they were a bit precious and self-centred tbh.

toga have you read the thread?

Togerama - I assume though you didn't pick and choose which friends you did or didn't tell - that's the difference. Anyway, it doesn't matter what anyone else did or what this is about actually - the fact of the matter is that (rightly or wrongly) Kanchan's feelings have been hurt and I think she has the right to address this and in fact, I think it's a necessity for this 'relationship' to continue as well as it has in the past and not become superficial. If Kan can wait until after the baby and still be excited for her and support her then all good and fine - if she can't I think she should speak to her friend.

toga I don't think you've understood me. I'm not offended, I'm upset.

Something similar happened to me recently and I was pretty upset. I didn't tell my friend that of course and think you are right not to bring it up. It sounds as if she has had a rough enough time already. As another poster said sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you're not as close to because you don't want to upset your closest friends.

I've picked and chosen who to tell I'm pregnant, and I would be flabbergasted if any of my close friends who I haven't told would be upset or offended.

We've decided not to tell DH's parents until the 12 week scan (MIL dealt with DTD1's stillbirth very badly). I, however, have needed support from elsewhere (I also dealth with it badly). So, my sister and a handful of friends who don't know my in-laws know. My best friend's husband is friends with my BIL, so I haven't told her. I hadn't even considered that she might be upset by that. Having said that, if she is, she'll just have to get over it, because in this situation my needs are greater than hers.

So, in short, feel upset if you will, but try not to make her feel bad about it. This pregnancy isn't about you.