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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let GP take DD out for a full day over xmas

82 replies

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 07:40

We live oversees and will be visiting UK over xmas to do the expected visits. We haven't told the ILs yet we don't expect to visit again for at least 36months. They refuse to fly to visit us, so it will be a while before they see her again.

I do know that they will expect to take DD (who will be 9.5months) out for full days. (To help us out you understand, for no other reason). This is what they were like before we left.

She is still BF and has one feed at noon. She still has no teeth, so solid intake is rather variable so reluctant to go without milk meal. I am now fed up with expressing and want to leave the pump at home and have time off. (currently pump at work)

AIBU to do this, knowing it will upset the ILs and mean they can only have her for 4 hours at a time. Am also not sure what they'll say about her still have BFs either. Atm if I do this, I know I'll feel guilty for the whole time for being selfish.

OP posts:

TheUnmentioned · 18/11/2010 07:43

Hmmm Im not one for letting my in laws (or anyone) taking my kids for whole days even though they would love to but they arent going to see her for 3 years, that is harsh and I think for that reason then yes I'd let them have some special time and express so they could take her for the whole day.

youve got to think that you might be a GP one day, imagine how you would feel, Im sure they love this wee girl and to not see her for 3 years? It would be so hard!

FreudianSlimmery · 18/11/2010 07:45

YANBU, your baby your choice!

And there's not much they can take such a young child out to actually do anyway. Maybe instead they can babysit at their house and you can go out for a meal instead?

Original poster

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 07:54

opps 36months was a typo, I meant 18months, but still a long time

she still feeds loads in the night, presumably to catch up from the day (but I'd rather that than express more) which makes the evenings trickier than the day (though she'll prob be jet-lagged)

arggg still 50:50

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 18/11/2010 07:59

I'd say no to a whole day, they can take her out for a morning or an afternoon. When does she nap? Surely being out all day won't be nice for DD either. Just say she's breast fed at this time, need to have her back for then, or you can take her out after that. Or you could all go out together...

Can your PILs afford to fly to where you live or is it that they won't visit? If its cost issue, could you offer half the airfare? If they refuse to fly (but could afford it) then you shouldn't feel guilty about the length of time between them seeing their DGD, if they know you'd welcome them then it's their decision not to go to see you.

TheFeministParent · 18/11/2010 07:59

Why can't you all go out? personally given that this child is only 9 months I would be letting anyone take her out unless she knows them really well, can't imagine why you would.

Original poster

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 08:05

it's not cost they don't like long flights, happy to do 5hrs, but not 12hrs. that's one of the main reasons this will be a rare visit, becuase we're not exactly flush. Though if they offer to pay for our flights in a years time I will def. be open to DH and DD coming on their own. (In the states so I get very little holiday)

They want time with her alone, but I think 4hrs is reasonable. Happy to let them take her a few times. They've stopped pretending to speak to be and they barely talk to DH on the skype calls now. Just coo at DD

I work full days so used to that, DH on the otherhand doesn't like her being away for so long.

Just want to know I'm not BU to say 'well no, not a full day but...'

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 18/11/2010 08:13

Seems to me that you are cutting out options by not taking a pump with you. What if you are super jet lagged, or catch a cold or get the opportunity to go to a really good show. Wouldn't it be handy to have the pump so you can take advantage of having loving gp's willing to take your baby. You may also want to spend some time trying to figure out why you are so angry at your il's. 12 hours is a long flight for someone young and healthy, maybe it's too much for them....i think it's a bit mean to accuse your il's of "refusing" to come and visit. And really, if you are that angry at them (clear from your posts here), why would they want to talk to you on skype and why wouldn't they want to coo at your dd. It could be worse, they could not want to spend any time with her at all.

Original poster

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 08:23

I'm mainly upset with them because they've upset DH so much by basically ignoring him. I ensure I'm polite and cheery and try and get DD doing all the stuff that will make them smile. (moving her closer to screen, dressing her in clothes they'll like, walking around with her so they can see her latest moves and getting her to play peek-a-boo at them). Anway that's a side issue.

The problem is if I take the pump I will use it and I hate it. Would love some time off from pumping (been pumping at work since she was 4 months) and don't the pressure of doing it.

I know it's minor and you're right I'm not sure if I'm being petty because it's them, hence the MN jury to decide

OP posts:

NoelEdmondshair · 18/11/2010 08:25

YANBU. Are you staying with them or other relatives? If you're not staying with them, how far away will you be from them?

piscesmoon · 18/11/2010 08:29

She isn't a possession or a parcel to be handed around! I would do things together, or as someone has sugggested leave her at their house while you and DH go out for lunch or leave her and go out for a walk. I think 2/3 hours is fine. She needs to know them better before you do whole days. They ought to know that you take things slowly with DCs.

Original poster

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 08:29

We're staying one week in their house and I week at my parents.

Right I'm off to bed, see what the decision is in the morning:)

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 18/11/2010 08:31

If you are with them for a whole week popping out for a couple of hours is fine-they don't need whole days-she will be with themfor whole days anyway.

DuelingFanjo · 18/11/2010 08:32

I think what you have to do is as soon as they suggest it just say clearly and firmly that they will only be able to have her for 4 houras as she is still breastfed. State it as a fact and if they give any criticism for still BFeeding her just answer immediately by saying that this is how youare feeding her and you won't be changing it to any other way soon. Then switch straight back to 'so what time will you be having her' and so on.

Don't let them dictate what is going to happen. be firm.

Do you have DHs backing?

Ultimately it's your decision and you have to just be firm.

Firawla · 18/11/2010 08:37

a whole day is too long @ that age anyway, they shouldnt be allowed to pressurise into that. why cant they just see her with you around?

belindarose · 18/11/2010 08:37

Anyone attempting to take my DD out for a day without me at 9 mo would have been made very miserable indeed (by her, not me!). Taking her out of the room was bad enough. YANBU!

onceamai · 18/11/2010 08:41

You are still breastfeeding therefore a whole day is not possible. End of. Also, I am assuming you would be happy for them to visit you in the USA. Unless they are very frail, that's their choice.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/11/2010 08:42

You know, it is only one week. Dont look upon it as you handing over your dd, but as you and your dh getting special time to bond and chill together. Leave dd with them and go for walks together, leave dd with them and go out for a meal, or a concert, or see some other friends. Other than that, spend time together, you, dh, dd, and the ils. Or if you prefer, go catch up with a friend and let dh and dd spend time with his parents. But most of all, dont stress!

Longtalljosie · 18/11/2010 08:51

Well - the fact is that you could do it if you wanted to. 4 months old and I'd see your point. But nearly 10? I assume she's drinking water? She'll have a bit of mashed banana if she's hungry.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But at that age, she's not going to go into a decline if she misses one feed. And you'll be taking loads of stuff, there's no real reason you can't pack the pump.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/11/2010 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadows · 18/11/2010 08:53

at 9 1/2 months she can gum her way through a jam sandwich.... It is messy, but so what, she will love it.

thelibster · 18/11/2010 08:55

I would have been super glad if my ex mil (fil dead before I married) had WANTED to take any of my DC for a whole day at that age! She never bothered with them, hardly ever visited (once) but moaned when we didn't visit her (she lives in Dublin and is very comfortably off thank you very much and we had 3 DC in under 4 years and were strapped for cash) She visited my bil and his family plenty of times because he was able to stump up for the air-fare and sometimes used to visit and go home without telling us she was coming. (They live about 1.5 hours drive from us) Once, during a visit to bil's, they came for a day visit to a beauty spot 40 mins away from us and she STILL didn't let us know that she was coming!

Sorry if it seems like I'm ranting but seriously, you don't know how lucky I think you are to have pil who are so keen to spend time with their DGC.

onceamai · 18/11/2010 08:56

For me this is more about the fact that the GP's don't want to get on a plane to visit yet think they can call the tune when you and dh and dd are in the UK.

I would be upset that they didn't think their DH and dd merited them taking a longer flight than they would usually. If they were prepared to put themselves out, I would put myself out.

Litchick · 18/11/2010 08:56

Wouldn't you and DH love a day together?

Ideal opportunity really. And I do think it's tremendously important that children grow up knowing they are loved and cared for by a whole raft of people.

Litchick · 18/11/2010 08:58

But are you cutting off your nose to spite your face, here?

You and DH will get a day together. DD will get a day being spolied by GPs.

What's the down side?

Squitten · 18/11/2010 08:58

Would you feel the same way if your own parents made the same request or is this actually about the fact that you are irritated with your ILs?

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