To not let GP take DD out for a full day over xmas

[ClimberChick]

We live oversees and will be visiting UK over xmas to do the expected visits. We haven't told the ILs yet we don't expect to visit again for at least 36months. They refuse to fly to visit us, so it will be a while before they see her again.

I do know that they will expect to take DD (who will be 9.5months) out for full days. (To help us out you understand, for no other reason). This is what they were like before we left.

She is still BF and has one feed at noon. She still has no teeth, so solid intake is rather variable so reluctant to go without milk meal. I am now fed up with expressing and want to leave the pump at home and have time off. (currently pump at work)

AIBU to do this, knowing it will upset the ILs and mean they can only have her for 4 hours at a time. Am also not sure what they'll say about her still have BFs either. Atm if I do this, I know I'll feel guilty for the whole time for being selfish.

And yes, I'd take the pump. All you need is a spot of willpower... If you don't want to use it, don't but if you need to, its there. Are you not taking it purely so you can say you have no expressed milk for the ILs to give your DD?

I don't see why you should take the pump if you don't want to. A lot of people seem very hot on the grandparents rights here, maybe the OP has the right to want to have that lunchtime feed back to being a breastfeed because that is a lovely thing that SHE has been missing as she has to go to work.

I hated expressing, I felt like a cow and certainly wouldn't have wanted to do it in someone else's house, I remember my FIL was downstairs once and despite being far away in a spare bedroom I was uncomfortable, it's hardly dignified or enjoyable and the idea that people other than your DH know that you're upstairs milking yourself is awful.

So, as it is actually your holiday as well ditch the pump and enjoy breastfeeding your DD :)

YABU.

She's 9 months not 9 weeks.

Her teeth (or lack of) have bugger all to do with this, and I really don't understand why she cannot go without BF for longer than 4 hours.

Reading your OP again, they havent even said that they want the whole day.

I think you are starting from an antagonistic stance. Maybe they will just want to take her to the park for half an hour. If they do, then deal with it when it arises.

Don't create arguments where none exist.

I'm with Lucky - you hate pumping and this is your holiday so why should you pump? I also think it is a bit too much for them to take her out for whole days.

Why can't the GP's spend a day with your DD which is either morning at home, BF, then afternoon out or little trip out, BF back at home, afternoon out. Or all out together, BF etc.? What possible difference could this make to your GP's time/experience with DD in reality? Why do they need whole days with her and without you if they aren't being unreasonable and as someone else said 'playing at parents' at your expense?

Also if you are working and pumping all the time in the US you need your time with DD too.

You are anxious and unhappy about this and that needs to be acknowledged. You need to make sure yours and your DD's needs are met and GP's will need to compromise a little. You are already travelling a long way to be with them and aren't trying to stop them seeing DD.

I get where lucky is coming from too.

If you don't want them to have your dd for the whole day, or if you want to be able to have that bf or whatever then that is your choice.

Just dont' tell them they can't take her for the whole day as you are bf when you are clearly able to get around that for work. Think of another way to put it if you aren't happy with the whole day thing.

Or 'forget' your pump so it actually isn't possible.

Just don't tell them she can't be left because of bf when she can. They will find this very hurtful I am sure - know I would.

I wouldn't have let either my parents or the inlaws take my daughter out for the whole day on my holiday.

If you work you're not spending the whole time with your children the rest of the time.

One of the things I look forward to about holidays is being able to spend more time with my children. When I'm visiting parents and grandparents I look forward to spending time with them too.

Just another thought - if they want to take her 'to help you out' you could explain that actually you miss dd with your work and particualrly miss your lunchtime bf so you really want to enjoy this when you can. So they are welcome to spend time with her but it needs to fit around this.

Job done.

I think YABU and think you're making excuses because you don't want them to have her.

Which is fine, it's your baby, but be honest about it. If you don't want them to have her all day because she doesn't really know them, or will be too tired, or you'll miss her then admit it. But making spurious excuses won't endear you to them and they'll be even less inclined to want to visit or spend time.

Having teeth (or lack of them) has nothing to do with her eating.

Missing one lunchtime breastfeed on one day won't affect her really, and if you become full you can hand express.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I don't understand why your parents in law want to have her with them on their own. I think that's a little bit odd. You are a family - your husband is their son, why don't they want to spend time with all of you and see what a lovely family their offspring has created?

It does smack of, as someone else said, them wanting to play at being parents. They aren't her parents, they are her grandparents.

Babies of 9 months can be very clingy, and she does need regular milk feeds, I don't care what other posters have said. It would be cruel to not give her milk for a full day. And as for the person who said 'jam samdwich' - well...

She can have fun and interact more with them when she's walking/talking a bit. Right now, she shouldn't be left with them for more that 4 or 5 hours in my opinion.

I know they used to moan about bringing her back from walks for a feed after a few hours when she was only 5 or 6 months so I am a bit anti-them anyway.

What on earth is wrong with grandparents wanting to look after their baby grandchild for a day? It's perfectly normal.

I find it pretty sad that people wouldn't allow this, tbh.

If you knew my ILs you´s know why it didn´t happen

But also, when you are visiting people, why do they want to piss off out without you?

YANBU - my DD is 8mo, and I don't feel happy leaving her with anyone for more than an hour or two, other than DH. And that goes for GPs too. At that age they don't 'need' time alone with them and I don't feel I need to leave her for a 'break' thanks very much.

When she's older, it'll be another story

Call me crazy, but maybe they think their dil would like to spend some time alone with her DH?

Why do they have to have some ulterior motive ("playing at being parents"? WTF?)

I seriously don't get this at all - am very surprised that so many people couldn't leave a 9 and a half month old baby with caring, presumably competent grandparents, for more than a few hours.

Could be, Jenai, but if not, then that´s that.

If OP doesn´t want them to take her daughter out then she doesn´t & tbh I don´t see why she has to justify to them & certainly not to us.

I'd have been happy to leave my daughter with the gps if I'd needed to go somewhere for a whole day. I think it's a subtlety different situation for grandparents to want to spend time apart from their son and daughter in law on a week's holiday.

I wouldn't travel half way round the world to spend time alone with my oh when I see him everyday.

And not wanting let the baby out of her sight can't be right - op works full time.

Exactly what Jenai said. Unless there are concerns about a child's welfare in the care of GP's, I don't get this "territorial"/rigid stance of some parents with regards to GP's spending time alone with their grandchildren-and this doesn't just seem to extend to babes in arms either.

YANBU. It is quite normal for a 9,5 month old to be still bieng breastfed. Also at that age it is a long time for a child not to be with thier parents. Would it be possible for you all to go out together?

Sorry but I think you are being a bit selfish, they will not see her again for 3 years so where is the harm inletting them have some quality time with her?

Can they not have quality time with the parents still there?

TBH I don´t get why GPs need time alone with a 9month granddaughter.

It is very different having time alone with a DC, to being with others. People wouldn't say to the mother I don't see why you need time alone with your baby!!
People seem to get terribly possessive when there is a baby as in my baby or my grandchild. I don't see why you can't all just enjoy each others company and take it from there.

I think compromise is key here. Half day sounds fine if that's what you prefer.

The time between visits shouldn't be used for bargaining by them as they could visit you if they were that bothered.

if you don't want them to take her out for the whole day then don't let them. It really is that simple.

Why do you feel you have to justify it with the bf/feeding issue.

If they are desperate to have a relationship with her then they will make an effort to come and see her.

I wouldn't be in a rush to leave a very young child with someone they weren't that familiar with tbh.

I'm a grandparent and I say - your baby, your choice, you're still breast feeding. DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!