To not let GP take DD out for a full day over xmas

[ClimberChick]

We live oversees and will be visiting UK over xmas to do the expected visits. We haven't told the ILs yet we don't expect to visit again for at least 36months. They refuse to fly to visit us, so it will be a while before they see her again.

I do know that they will expect to take DD (who will be 9.5months) out for full days. (To help us out you understand, for no other reason). This is what they were like before we left.

She is still BF and has one feed at noon. She still has no teeth, so solid intake is rather variable so reluctant to go without milk meal. I am now fed up with expressing and want to leave the pump at home and have time off. (currently pump at work)

AIBU to do this, knowing it will upset the ILs and mean they can only have her for 4 hours at a time. Am also not sure what they'll say about her still have BFs either. Atm if I do this, I know I'll feel guilty for the whole time for being selfish.

See, Ibloody love days when I don't have to call the shots. Bloody love them.

I can't speak for the OP but my parents would never take the stance that a flight was too long for them to visit their grandchildren. My PILs on the otherhand have gcs in Australia whom they have visited once in 14 years!

oh, I would LOVE a day without making judgement calls (or any calls for that matter!), and go with the flow, without responsibility, would absolutely love it. Just ONE day.

Please, destiny, give me one such day....

My father never visited me in London. (He is 83) He has later explained that as he was an engineer on airplanes during his armed services, back when airplanes were "new", he was too scared to do long haul flights. But for all I know, the inlaws could be in their 40s....

Christ, wherever I go in the world, the family descend on me, and yes, I'm sure I'd be hurt if GPs refused to make the trip.

But I wouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face. Nor would i deny my children their time with GPs, to satisfy my own feelings.

I'd be far too busy shagging DH senseless having long baths with cold glasses of something with bubbles.

My dad and step mum live in the US, and only see me and my DD (13mos) rarely because of that (other than on video call of course).

If I spent 12 hours going to see them and they wanted to take DD out for the whole day without me I'd be furious. Firstly because I don't see them very often, I want to spend time with them as well and I'd find it rude that they wanted to leave me to it for the day when I had made all that effort to see them. Also, what do they desperately need to do on their own that they can't do with me there? If they want the whole nappy/feeding/getting up at 6AM experience I would be ecstatic perfectly willing to hand it all over to them and take a back seat, but I see no reason they have to take her away fro me to do that.

My other issue would be that DD doesn't know them, and a whole day with people who don't know her, her routines, likes/dislikes, how to cheer her up when she's stroppy and calm her down when she's upset wouldn't be fair on her, she's too little to understand what's going on.

If you don´t want to, don´t.

My ILs never took mine out for days.

I wouldn´t have trusted them.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to do something (express) that's going to make your life more difficult when you're on holiday. Plus, if you're only there a week, don't your husbands parents want to spend time with him or are they just interested in the grandchild?

I wouldn't have let anyone have my baby for a full day.
If they are pissed off, tough cvheese.
Similalry if they refuse to fly and see you, also tough cheese.
Mind you, neither would I be staying with them in their home either.

If you're annoyed with the way your ILs are treating your DH then this needs to be addressed sensibly and maturely - not by using your DD as a pawn in the arguement which won't help anythingh.
Whether you let the ILs take her for a day or not is up to you, but should be based on her welfare, not on your underlying feelings towards your ILs.

Just to add, it's not about calling the shots or anything else, I just don't understand why anyone needs to be excluded from family time when it is so limited. I'd be equally upset with them if they wanted to take me and DD out for the day and leave DH behind so they could spend time with me and her. It would be exclusionary and rude, so why is it ok when it's a baby?

Taking the emotions out of it. Presumably you leave her for more than 4 hours if you have to express at work.

Therefore its not about the breastfeeding at all is it? You could express for just that day or she would be absolutely fine with water and some yoghurt.

So come back and tell us the real reasons why you don't want them to.

The not knowing them would be good enough but if it was toward the end of the week she would know them well enough.

Yanbu

they want to play mummu and daddy for the day, minus you, tough titties,

I don't think there has to be an underlying motive.

I get on great with my in-laws, always have. They also live in a different country so visits are limited. Still wouldn't have wanted them to take my child out for a whole day at that age without me, on one of our visits.

She'll still be needing naps etc won't she.

Compromise, she can go out with them after her nap and home for tea, bath and bed.

I wouldn't want my DS away from me all day, I have to put up with it now cos he's 5yo, but at 9.5m? No. It's OK not to want to have her away from you for a whole day. When I was in egypt, women H knew, relatives, colleagues, friends etc were forever trying to carry DS, and I hated it. They thought they were helping. They weren't.

There is always the desire for GP/Family to want to do things with the DC now, buy things now, but there is plenty of time.

Tell them not to worry, that 9m is a little too young to go off on her own all day, when she still needs milk, nap, is not fully weaned etc.

The next trip she'll be 2yrs + and will be able to keep up, and not need so much mummy attention, and you will be better prepared for it.

As you are staying with them, as someone said, they will have the time with you all and won't need to panic and take her out.

Agree with the comment about taking the emotion out of it. Just calmly say, no, that won't work on many levels, it's too early for a whole day, when she's woken from her lunchtime nap, fine, and let them take her for a couple of hours.

You are right. You are her mother and if it's not OK with you, it's not OK.

If you were happy about it, you'd make it work, but YOU are not ready to do this. It's fine, I don't blame you at all and would do the exact same thing.

If dd were old enough to retain a lasting memory of a special day out, I could see their point but she's a 9.5 month old baby and I don't see why they can't spend the day with all of you, especially as they don't often see you.

Whilst I take the point about cutting off nose to spite face etc., I have been with DH for more than 20 years now and made a rod for my own back by going along with what his parents wanted to please them in the early years. As a result they have always expected five star maid service for them and theirs and are very far from reciprocal emotionally, practically and materially. If there are underlying issues I would get it all ironed out now because if you don't it will fester.

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with anyone taking my child for a whole day at that age, especially as it is someone they don't know. It isn't really going to be possible because of the BFing.

Tell the GPs you are happy for them to have her for 4 hours a time but it cannot be a whole day. It is your child and your choice, not theirs. If they were that desperate to see more of her, they would make the effort to do the flight. My nan doesn't like the flight to Australia but she has still done it a few times to see her son who lives there.

If yu are staying with them for a week they will have plenty of time then to see her.

Only read first half of thread.

I don't think the fact that they won't see her for 18 months is an issue tbh. That isw their choice. They could fly to see you if they wished - they have chosen not to. If they pull this one then point out that they are welcome to visit whenever they like.

However put yourself in their shoes. You will be telling them that dd cannot be left for whole days because you bf. They will presumably know that in fact she CAN be left for whole days because you work full time. If I were them I would be very hurt that you are prepared to leave her to work but not to have quality time with her grandparents. And I wouldn't understand this at all if I were them. You are talking about pumping once, maybe twice while you are away. While yes, your baby your choice, I think this is pretty selfish tbh (presuming that there aren't other reasons why you would be worried to leave her which you haven't mentioned so presume not).

Take the pump. Let them have her for a couple of half days early on and if dd seems happy enough with them let them have her for a full day before you leave. Take advantage of quality time with dh which presumably is hard for you given the fact that you live 12 hours from both grandparents.

Good point Alicet. Hadn't thought of that. Also, OP, if you stop pumping while you're on holiday are you sure you will get it back again to continue with the midday feed after the holiday? I remember now, that as soon as I dropped the daytime feed when dd was about 9mo - everthing seemed to dry up and she lost interest.

Does your DH have an opinion?
Being as you have your DC all the time does 1 day matter? They aren't going to see their GD for 18 months, I think you are being precious

Why not wait until you are here and DD is comfortable with the grandparents and then decide? A 9mth old has their own views-you can't just bundle her off for the day until she is happy with them.

She's only there for a week, having a few half days early on and seeing about a full day later just isn't feasible in that amount of time surely. Especially if it's a visit for the whole family to spend time together.

I'm not convinced of the notion of a whole day of quality time with the grandparents at 9 months anyway. Two half days arranged around naps/feeds would give more 'quality time'.

My daughter's quality time with her grandparents at that age mainly consisted of sleeping on them whilst being carried in a sling.

TBH, what are they going to do with a 9 1/2 mth old for a whole day? They really don't get much out of full day trips at that age.

I would be happy to leave her for a whole day with them but not have them take her out for a whole day. I think that would make them all miserable!

I'd also like to know whether this is limited to your ILs.
What if your parents wanted to take her out for the day? Apologies if you answered this already.

I agree that you won't be able to say she can't be left for a whole day because clearly you do leave her for a whole day whilst you work.