..to insist that DH hands over complete control of his finances to me

[togarama]

DH has always been feckless and irresponsible with money. (He also has some positive qualities but frankly they're not relevant to this post.)

I've been the major earner for most of our relationship and the sole breadwinner for long periods.

DH was out of work for over a year until a couple of months ago. (This was partially his own fault and nearly split us up.) During this time, we built up some debts which are currently on a 0% credit card but obviously still need paying off. We also have to pay our regular bills including nursery fees.

I'm happy to deal with all the bill and debt paying etc.. as long as he puts money in the joint account to contribute towards this. We agreed when he started his new job that he would set up a direct debit to transfer the bulk of his salary to the joint account so that I could access it. Not only has he failed to set up an automatic transfer for the last three months, but every time he makes a manual transfer, he's followed this up by withdrawing or transferring money back to his personal account.

Having totted up the individual withdrawals from the joint account so far this month, it actually ends up as a net withdrawal of £150 and I'm now going to have to pay bills from my personal account again, and pay overdraft charges again, as I've been doing for the past year.

As far as I can gather, he has spent all of this money on beer, junk food, sweets and repaying loans to family members I never knew he had borrowed from. I am furious.

So, now I want his salary paid directly into the joint account, his cash card handed over, and I will give him pocket money. He has the option of agreeing to this or leaving since he is putting me in a far worse financial position than I would be in without him and seems to have no compunction in doing this. I can afford to support one other person and that is our daughter.

I know that this arrangement is letting him off with even less responsbility but I need his salary to stay on top of our finances and can't afford to wait around for DH to develop a sense of financial responsibility.

"At the moment he is living off you and you are being used."

Yes, that's how it feels to me too. It doesn't matter that it's not intentional and that DH is a weak rather than actively bad person. The net effect is the same.

Ah god OP what a crap situation! I couldn't bear the ongoing stress of worrying every single month - are the bills going to be paid, are the direct debits going to be honoured etc. Why is it ok for one partner to abdicate responsibility to the other for making sure you stay afloat? It's lazy and unforgivably selfish. I think that a persistent level of stress is very hard on ones health? Life is short enough without taking responsibility for other adult's as though they are kids? I would cut loose and relish the financial freedom of going it alone.

Sorry too many question marks and one too many apostrophes.

I don't think YABU. ANd I also don't agree with people saying you couldn't do this if you were a man it would be abusive.

Male or female one person can not be allowed to bring down a whole family. If he loves you and doesn't want to lose you he shouldn't have been decietful (borrowed from family without your permission)
or spent your money knowing you'll pay it off. I think foricng you to work to pay his debts is controlling not the other way around.

YANBU but, be warned, what you're proposing is a very common reason a lot of couples split up - my own marriage included. People who are rubbish with money don't like to admit it, don't think they should be constrained in any way and thoroughly resent anyone who points out their failings and/or tries to fix it.

Very pleased to see you have a personal account. If things get really bad, that will be your lifeboat.

"I did read that a couple that takes an hour a month to go through their finances tends to stay together, happy and in control of a balanced relationship."

Binful, that is a really good tip. Unfortunately I am the female equivalent of the OPs DH, although I do earn money and have taken on a second job to deal solely with my personal debts (about £800) I am really useless irresponsible with money and I cannot bear not to have it. DH deals with all the household finance and I bury my head in the sand. This leads to countless arguments etc because I really, really HATE dealing with anythin to do with banks/bills etc. To the point where I hate just going in to pay in a cheque. I really don't know where this comes from. My parents were very careful with money and prudent, my dad is a genius with it but it seems to have skipped me :(

OP, I can see this from both sides. Unfortunately in my experience, the more you try to control your DHs finances, the more he will pull away and try to hide things from you. Can I suggest you try Binful's suggestion and get him more involved ?

DH did this voluntarily when I went on maternity, we put all my direct debits for bills etc on the joint account and he gets spending money transferred to another account. When I get paid again I will transfer a chunk of my money into the joint account too, so we both have personal money but most is held in the household account.

I'm not sure about forcing it on him though, in our house it was his suggestion.

I agree with GiselleS. This is not just about the money - it is his attitude to you. You are not being his partner, you are his mother and bank account from all accounts and he takes it for granted that you will be. I have been in councelling with dp for months and the one thing I (and he) has learned is that if you want to destroy a relationship, break promises and agreements and keep secrets. Your partner is not working to preserve your relationship, or protect you, or provide for your joint responsibilities - being your child. What exactly is he doing that is worth putting up with this because I promise you without a short sharp shock at the very least he will keep doing this.

He has to want to grow up and it doesn't sound like he does.

I would lay good money on him coming home on Monday NOT having dealt with anything. I will also lay good money on him moaning in the future that you don't let him have any fun etc etc.

Financial Abuse
· demanding your paychecks

denying a partner access to their wages

Financial abuse can also occur in marriages as a means to have all control over a partner in order to make him or her feel hopeless enough to never leave. One partner may not allow the other one to have access to any of the household money or may give him or her a small allowance.

if you say so.

Financial abuse is frittering away the family money so that the family is at risk of losing the roof over their heads!

The OP is NOT suggesting keeping her DH barefoot, penniless and chained to the kitchen sink FGS!

BBJ, the OP's partner has the option of leaving. She has made that very clear to him.

OP, how crap for you. It sounds as though you are at the end of your tether. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I have to admit I very much doubt that he will come good on his promises. Even if he does transfer his salary to your account, he no doubt has other debts you are not aware of. He will be unable to restrict himself to a small allowance and will undoubtedly run up further debts behind your back. Since his credit rating is no doubt up the spout this is likely to be high interest payday loans / pawnbrokers etc. Hide your valuables and keep on watching your credit record.

My DH is crap with money. I open all his post now and I know there will be a letter from a debt collection agency for a debt I knew nothing about from time to time. There's a horrible inevitability about it. Fortunately he's not a big spender - just a low earner in denial. If we ever split up it will be over money. Fortunately we are nowhere near that yet. It sounds like you might be. I'm so sorry.

I would love to hear form the ones on here saying the OP is abusing her husband what exactly she shoudl do?

SHe has spoken to him she has made him say he'd save money. He lies to her takes out debts without her knowledge and makes her pay for everything.

What can she do? just keep paying it all like a mug?

As many on here have said

he pays his share and keeps the rest.

make sure it goes into an account just for bills. no cards or cheque books on the account, once it goes in it stays in and requires two signatures to make any adjustments to.

he has his account she has hers, neither person is stopped from accessing their own money/wages.

But she's tried that BBJ, he doesn't do it. He transfers his share over and then transfers it straight back out. Any funds he can access he spends, plus more that he borrows. She then ends up paying for all the overdraft fees and bills from her own money and she's finding it hard to cover it. And you think that she is financially abusing him?

I think that people who are calling financial abuse are being deliberately a bit dim TBH.

Managing family finances in this way is not by definition abusive. Many families have an arrangement like this. They do it so that the rent gets paid and the children get fed. The abusive side of it comes from the motivation, why and how it is being done. If it is being done in order to render the other partner powerless, then that's abusive. If it is being done to ensure the children get fed and everyone involved realises it's necessary as that's the only way the money will go ehere it's needed, then that's fine.

Isnt

you can lock accounts down.

the problem when he had sorted the transfer out was that he could still take money out, this can be stopped, I have done it.

The op has managed to get her OH to transfer all his wages in to her account, so she should also be able to set up a separate billing account with flags on it.

all it akes id three accounts

hers
his
and household.

As long as those who feel that Opening Poster is not being unreasonable (and I think she is not being unreasonable, too) would say the same if it were a MAN posting this about his wife, I do not have a problem with their suggestions.

What's the difference between him putting the money into a joint account that he can't access, and her account that he can't access? If she has to get two signatures on everything in the joint account it will be a total PITA to run.

Whether he gives her all of his wages and she gives him some back, or he gives her all of his wages bar the same amount, it's the same difference isn't it. He gives her £800 she gives him £80 back, he gives her £720 and keeps £80. Same. It is ludicrous to say that one of those scenarios is abusive and the other isn't, they're exactly the same.

You mentioned alcohol, too, OP. If that's a problem he'll make sure he gets money from somewhere.