..to insist that DH hands over complete control of his finances to me

[togarama]

DH has always been feckless and irresponsible with money. (He also has some positive qualities but frankly they're not relevant to this post.)

I've been the major earner for most of our relationship and the sole breadwinner for long periods.

DH was out of work for over a year until a couple of months ago. (This was partially his own fault and nearly split us up.) During this time, we built up some debts which are currently on a 0% credit card but obviously still need paying off. We also have to pay our regular bills including nursery fees.

I'm happy to deal with all the bill and debt paying etc.. as long as he puts money in the joint account to contribute towards this. We agreed when he started his new job that he would set up a direct debit to transfer the bulk of his salary to the joint account so that I could access it. Not only has he failed to set up an automatic transfer for the last three months, but every time he makes a manual transfer, he's followed this up by withdrawing or transferring money back to his personal account.

Having totted up the individual withdrawals from the joint account so far this month, it actually ends up as a net withdrawal of £150 and I'm now going to have to pay bills from my personal account again, and pay overdraft charges again, as I've been doing for the past year.

As far as I can gather, he has spent all of this money on beer, junk food, sweets and repaying loans to family members I never knew he had borrowed from. I am furious.

So, now I want his salary paid directly into the joint account, his cash card handed over, and I will give him pocket money. He has the option of agreeing to this or leaving since he is putting me in a far worse financial position than I would be in without him and seems to have no compunction in doing this. I can afford to support one other person and that is our daughter.

I know that this arrangement is letting him off with even less responsbility but I need his salary to stay on top of our finances and can't afford to wait around for DH to develop a sense of financial responsibility.

YAdefinitelyNBU, and I am at those that say you are. I mean, it's a no-brainer.

However, I feel that if you take control of all finances he still can't be trusted - after all, he borrowed off others that you didn't know about! Next stop will be a loan shark. And then you will have real problems.

I had an ex-boyfriend who was the same way, that's why he became an ex.

I don't think there's a problem with this - DP and I do this but in reverse. And before you say it's abusive etc - I asked him to! I'm just utterly crap with money, spend it like water if it's in my account, am just generally irresponsible with it (buying treats for the dc we can't afford, buying clothes for the dc when they don't need them, taking the dc out on day trips etc).

I get the tax credits and nothing else into my bank account, that pays for the food shopping, the bus fares and a (tiny) bit of money for me to treat the dc's with. Everything else goes into DP's account (wages, chb, hb) and he pays all the bills out of that. Hey presto, bills get paid, we don't get into debt, we can actually save a (very small) amount for birthdays and christmas, and I don't have to stress myself out about bank charges etc.

I feel soooo much better since I asked DP to deal with all of it, it is working for us, he doesn't worry abot whether the bills are being paid or not, and it has relaxed the atmosphere in the house around money soooo much. Not one arument about it all since we started doing this 3 months ago!

Some people are just shit with money. I'm one of them. It bugs me that I am, I've tried over 13 yrs to fix it, but am still the same, if there's £20 in the bank and DD wants a new top - I'll buy it and not think about the fact that the contents insurance will bounce until it has done so!

YANBU, you just need to be careful how you present it.

Money matters need to be approached very logically and aside from emotions in my house.

Can you both sit down and have a financial planning meeting. Write down both sets of incomes, any debts you have, how much you would each like to have for personal allowance - agree that you both need the same. What the best way of dealing with that money is and getting the money into the right account to pay the bills.
With cold hard numbers in front of you perhaps you can discuss as adults the best way to deal with the money and he may suggest doing what you want anyway given his failings. Or he may want to have his money in his account and then "pay you" the household money and the rest is then his own.
It amounts to the same thing, but I doubt he (or anyone except my Dad) would like to hand over all money and then be given pocket money back.

I don't get how people can say they're not good with money. Is it not just being able to plan and show self discipline and restraint and it worries me that people need to delegate their financial matters to other people to control.

I think the problem here is you are relying on him to set up the direct debit and it sounds pretty clear to me that he has no intention of it. If he really wanted to he could have spoken with his bank in 5 minutes today and dealt with it. The fact he's insisting on keeping several hundred for those two bills means I do think they'll go unpaid and he'll just incur charges but it genuinely sounds like he doesn't care and that's dangerous for the future of you and your family.

Normally I would not encourage this, but I think you are going to have to get even tougher with him and insist if he doesn't do it, he's out ...

And I disagree with those saying if the genders were reversed we'd all be going mad. I have a lovely friend who is rubbish with money and so her husband has to do exactly this with her, I know he'd prefer not to have to but if he didn't they'd have absolutely no food in the house, no money in the bank but hey the kids would have great clothes and toys, etc. She just doesn't get what's important and so he's in charge of the finances. Their marriage works just fine otherwise so its important to do it.

Yanbu

how ridiculous to suggest this is on a par with financial abuse.

YANBU My xp was like that and it drove us apart in the end. I'm sure some people just can't manage money. It's not fair on you if he is squandering all your money. Take control.

I posted earlier, but want to add that you should hand him the phone and insist he arranges the transfer of his wages to your account there and then, with you standing right beside him. Really bad that you have to do this, but I'd leave him no room for manoeuvre. If he refuses at that point, then you know where you stand.

Other posters have raised the point about debts incurred that you may know nothing about. I think serious discussions need to be had with him about this possibility. I hope the mortgage is in your name and he can't borrow against the house.

If any financial abuse is going on, it's by the OP's dh who is not contributing enough financially to the family and expecting the OP to pick up the slack and go without herself.

I can understand your frustration but as someone who has to ASK my dh for money(he works,pays all bills,shopping etc I use the cb I get to buy kids clothes,activities and treats) I can tell you how CRAP this makes a person feel. If I use the cb for that month and have to ask my dh for cash then I get given a tenner(20 if am v lucky) and I have to account for it!
No my dh not victorian husband-just firmly believes that his money is HIS and that I dont contribute to household(cause of many many rows but dont think it will ever change).
So just wanted to say think carefully before you pursue this course of action.

Pink4ever, your situation is different because you haven't run up any debts or taken out loans unknown to him. Your DH is just a very mean person.

My poor aunt was in your situation, it was a horrible life for her. She gave great advice to her daughters, who have passed on her wisdom to others.

1. Make sure you get a good education so you can get a good job and be financially independent.

1. Always have a rainy day fund he doesn't know about.

1. Never reveal the true price of anything!

Anyway, that's nothing to do with the thread, but like I said you're not in danger of making your family homeless.

pink4ever - get a job and tell DH he must pay half the childcare - then he may understand how much he owes you (financially).

OP - my DH is utterly shite with money - he tries but overspends every month. He was always bailed out by his parents and thinks something will happen to make it alright in the end. He has his issues, he's flawed, he's human. I'm not perfect but I'm great with money. I took over control of our finances (at his request) a few months ago. He now gets weekly spends (pocket money does sound babyish! ). EVERY week he asks for more money, borrows off a friend, goes overdrawn. It it frustrating. Taking control may solve things, it may lead you to be more annoyed with him.

Relationships are about playing to your strengths. That's why he hoovers and I cook. I see no difference with finances.

watching this with interest, my otherwise lovely DH has revealed himself over the course of the last few years to be utterly shite with money.
its like having a toddler with a credit card. he loves buying STUFF. he bought 5 mobile phones last year - yet we have less than £50 left each week for the food and household shopping for the family. when i tell him he is genuinely shocked by this - as we both earn good money but then forgets and goes and starts shopping for something else he just has to have. surprising as he is an intelligent and practical chap in all other things.
he handed control of all the finance over to me last year and i was horrified to find out the level of pointless debt he (therefore we) have.
most of our income goes back out on paying this off. unfortunately try as i might i havent been able to make him understand just how precarious the situation is. we have just been to CAB to discuss an IVA for him, and am desperately trying not to have my credit rating dragged down by him if that is possible.
i know i need to find some kind of long term workable solution, so i can keep a roof over our head and not loose ALL respect for him. i'm gutted as i hate owing anything to anyone. :(

When someone is so very crap wih money it might be easier for them to give you X amount then retain a little pocket money. If he want to be in charge of his own money - then work out how much is needed in terms of bills/rent etc .. and ask for his share. He is being very selfish and not thinking of his family, he has responsibilities now and should take the role of a real man and not a silly boy. Lay down the law - give him a dead line and ask him to grow up or move out if he can't be bothered to work as a partnership. You should be both working towards giving your daughter a stable and secure up bringing. At the moment he is living off you and you are being used.

By the way my hubby does all the finances/bills/mortgage/DIY and builder costs. I only work one afternoon a week and use this money and the child benefit to pay for the kids extra activities, xmas, haircuts, shoes etc. It's tight but the balance seems to work and we both are responsible with the money we have.

pink4ever - I think you need to start billing your husband for 50% of whatever the childcare costs would be if you were to return to work.

Your situation is different to the OPs. Your 'D'H is just being mean, not trying to keep you all out of debt.

My DH does all the finances as quite frankly although I have always been the higher earner by quite a way, I am useless at sticking to a budget.

Now my DH puts some pocket money in my account, and I have the CB for my DD, and that is all the managing I do. Works wonders - suits me down to the ground.

Obv we make shared decisions about what we do with the money, just that DH does the management of it all.

I think finances work best where all the money is pooled and one person is the executive officer who manages it all.

I think this is one that you have to be in to understand how the dynamics could work tbh.

togorama I have PM'd you.

.

togorama you have my sympathy, I to think I may have to go down the road of taking over my D/P's finances. He also has been out of work for a while but doesn't seem to have curbed his spending, regularily going over his overdraft running up charges, £380 at last count. I'm at my wits end.

This week he has spent more on drink and cigarettes than we have to live on for food, clothing etc. I am now up to my overdraft limit trying to make up the shortfall and it wont be long before it starts to impinge on our ability to cover the DD's

Thanks for all the further posts. There's some really helpful stories here, both positive and negative. It's also useful to get a wider perspective and advice.

So, now DH has agreed to transfer the direct debits to the joint account as well but flat out refuses to do anything at all before Monday. (Says he's had a hard week and doesn't want to spend his time off dealing with banks etc.. Meanwhile, I'm spending the weekend trawling through my online banking trying to scrape together enough cash from various already depleted personal accounts to pay the nursery invoice because of him. He genuinely doesn't see the irony of his reasoning.)

DH also says that on Monday he will get his finance department to switch his salary payment so that it goes directly to the joint account. I can then immediately move everything except his weekly "allowance" to my account and pay bills from there.

All sounds great - if he does any of it. Like several posters here, I have serious doubts and foresee further confrontation on Monday night.

As several pps have flagged, I know there's a real risk of other unknown debts turning up in the near future. I keep a close eye on my credit file and am reasonably confident that there's nothing in our joint names. However, as anything in his sole name will still impact on his ability to contribute to the household, it all still has an effect.

At least the house/mortgage is entirely mine. The bank even made him sign a letter acknowledging that he had no claim on the property before they agreed to issue the mortgage so I'm not directly worried about that yet. (Indirectly, obviously, any pressure on our finances is a concern in terms of paying the mortgage.)

If it was as easy as pressing a "game over" button on our marriage, I think I would probably do it. I can't imagine ever trusting him and haven't done so for a long, long time. I also want to focus more on DD, including saving for her future, and his behaviour makes this immensely difficult.

Hudd - I think a lot of my inabilty to budget efectively is that I am crap at maths and dates, and if I could pay everything by standing order I'd never get into trouble, but direct debits really mess with me, I've never had money calendar monthly, either weekly, fortnightly or 4 weekly, and I find it impossible to judge how to do it whenI need to pay things calendar monthly.

Anything I have been able to pay by standing order I've never got into trouble with, as I just set up the SO's for the day the money came into the account, so it was gone before I could get to it IYSWIM.

And the worst of it is, it's never stuff that I've bought for myself, it's always stuff for the dc, like treating them to a comic each (which is almost £10 for 3 dc). I do it without thinking, because it's nice to ocasionally treat the dc! I'll happily walk around in shoes with holes in them in the snow, but can't resist treating the dc every now and again. .

Just makes it so much less stressful for both DP and I for him to take care of the utilities and rent etc, he's not worrying if I've paid it or not, we can save for birthdays, I don't see it as a form of control, or I wouldn't have asked him to do it, it's just finacially sensible for the one of us that is more skilled at budgeting to take care of it. Same as I do the food shopping, because if DP did it, we'd end up eating steak and lamb chops every day regardless of the price. I'm better at economising and being sensible with the food shopping, he's better at being sensible with the finances! We work as a team, and each do what we're good at!