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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving out

98 replies

Toleave · 12/11/2010 21:54

I am unsure as to whether I can continue to live with my h. He's a kind man, but he just isn't interested in me any more. He doesn't want to socialise with me, never talks to me (at all), and doesn't want to go out do anything with me.

Now I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

He won't leave, he doesn't even see there's anything wrong, and I think it would destroy him moving. My dd (14) would want to stay living with him, as we clash, and they don't. My ds (6) would be upset, but I think would want to be with his ds more than anything so would stay with her. At the end of our road there is a flat I could rent.

I am thinking of moving out to the flat. I would come round each morning at 7am as h has to leave for work, and I would ensure the dc were ready for school. I would collect the children on a wednesday from school, and have them for the evening. I would spend Saturdays with the dc, and if the dc wanted to all/part day Sunday.

What's other people's opinion on this - AIBU to even contemplate it?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 12/11/2010 22:00

Are you seriously considering leaving your children?

If you decide to move out, you may not have the choice about seeing them every day. Yours dh (as primary carer) could insist on putting them into childcare before school, and not agree with your plan. He may also want to spend more time at weekends with them.

I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable to consider ending your relationship with your dh, but you can't simply decide what the outcomes in terms of seeing your children are going to be.

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:06

I am pretty certain that if the dc had to choose who they were to live with they would choose their dad. I can guarantee that would be the case for dd, like I say ds more likely just to stick with dd.

I don't think I could leave with no contact with the dc.

Good point as pc he can stipulate how much/little contact I get.

I couldn't do less than once every week. I would hope minimum he'd allow Wednesdays as I am at home on that day anyway to ferry kids to activities.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 22:09

If as you say he is a kind man, is there any point talking to him about it?

Littlefish · 12/11/2010 22:10

Have you talked to him about the practicalities of moving out?

Could you really face not seeing your children, and particularly your 6 your old on a daily basis?

Why do you think they would choose to stay with their dad? Have either he or you been SAHM or SAHD?

ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 22:10

what I meant (sorry for sounding muddled), is: can you talk it through with him? Maybe you could work something out.

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:11

I hope so, I just wanted to guage what I was going to ask him was BU, because of course whatever I suggest he'll see it as BU, but am I really BU.

if that makes sense!

OP posts:
onceamai · 12/11/2010 22:13

What does your DH think about you leaving. This could devastate your dc. Even if your DH won't contemplate something like relate I think you need to go on your own to try to explore what this is all about.

I do know of a woman who moved out from her family because she needed to find herself and didn't think the family cared for her. The DC and the DH were actually devastated. She found herself and realised that what she really wanted was them. 18 months later, they had moved on. The DH said thanks, but we've realised how selfish you were and can't riskt the status quo. Think very very carefully about this before you do it.

Littlefish · 12/11/2010 22:13

I just think you need to have thought it through. What if he says you can't see them every day? What if he says you can only see them on alternate weekends?

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:15

I would hate not seeing my dc on a daily basis, hence why I 'like' the idea of coming in the morning to get them ready for school, as I know he'd need somebody to do it.

No neither of us have been SAH. He works a 9 day fortnight, and I work 4 days a week. We are both home in time to meet the children from their transport.

He is very occassionally away over night (one night every couple of months), and of course I would hope he'd allow me to look after the children on those occassions.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 22:16

is it the clashes with the 14 year old dd most of all that are wearing you out?

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:18

H won't discuss either the issues that I have with the relationship, or the possibility that one of us moves out. Like I said in my OP he's literally not talking to me.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 12/11/2010 22:18

If you have left the family home, there is no reason why he would have to agree to you coming back into it every day.

Imagine if the situation were reversed, and your dh announced that he was leaving you, causing you and your dc pain and stress.

Would you want him coming back every day, into your home? I know that I would never agree to it.

I think you're being very naieve {sp} about the possible outcomes of your actions.

ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 22:21

If he won't talk to you, socialise with you, go out with you and doesn't think there is anything wrong (!) well this is a bit odd tbh

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 22:22

I think something needs to change.

I'm suprised you are prepared to move out, but the arrangement you have stated above seems reasonable and if he's a kind man then I can't see why he wouldn't agree to it.

Also, he doesn't get to choose when you see them, the court does.

However, the bit where it really falls down for me is, how can you say he is kind - when he wont even talk to you - that is not a kind man.

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:23

They don't help matters, but they are few and far between (average about one a month), last for half an hour and then all over.

H lets dd have a lot more freedom than I do. Not unsafely so, or unsuitably so, he's just more likely to say yes, to my no. And in actual fact he's right, and the rare occassions he tells her no, she fully understands and accepts.

H does not talk to me, spend time with me. Nor does he do anything to help around the house - dinner/cleaning/tidying/washing. But when I'm not around he does do it, and dd will assist him in doing it, off her own back.

DS wants to go to boarding school when he is 7, so he's obviously not happy with home life. He's told his school mates that he's going.

OP posts:
classydiva · 12/11/2010 22:24

I dont think any woman should ever leave their children no matter what.

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 22:24

I also think that if you are the one to move out, your relationship with your daughter will be damaged, possibly for life. Teenagers are trying it's their job! Many girls get along better with their Dads - it would still be devastating for your Mum to move out - it would feel like you weren't loveable at a time in your life where you need to feel 'My parents are restrictive/controlling/unfair/mean, but I know they love me'...

classydiva · 12/11/2010 22:25

Are you sure you just don't want your life back? Some threads real piss me off and this is one of them.

Classic you want to relive your youth and fuck the kids off.

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 22:25

It all sounds very sad, do you think the whole family would benefit from some counselling?

onceamai · 12/11/2010 22:27

Even if it's taken as read that you aren't happy, do you really think what you are proposing is going to make your children happy, esp. as DD is 14 and presumably at the start of GCSE years. Will the DC and DH not be compromised if you spend income on a flat for you?

Littlefish · 12/11/2010 22:28

Chipping - the court wouldn't be able to say that she could go back to the family home every day though, could it.

maryz · 12/11/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:30

Hold on a second classydiva where the hell is it that i want my life back?

I have come on here to get opinions, of how to sort out a mess of a situation, that's resulting in 4 people being miserable, and I'm trying to work out to the limited best of my ability a solution that will make people happy again.

Whatever is said my family are obviously not happy with living in the unit they currently are - i have a 6yr old who's choosing a boarding school for himself, a husband who literally won't talk to me, and avoids me at all costs, but is obviously besotted with his dc, i have a dd who would do anything to be with her father, and not with me.

I am accepting the fact that I am the weakest link in this, and am prepared to sacrifice my happiness (not being with my dc 100% of the time), to ensure that they have the happiest life I can possibly offer them.

OP posts:
MimsyRogers · 12/11/2010 22:32

Couples counselling is a good idea, even if it is just to support you in splitting up.

pjmama · 12/11/2010 22:33

I'm not sure where you get that impression from classy? From the OP's comments, I don't see someone trying to recapture their youth. I see a woman in a miserable relationship, feeling trapped and depressed and trying to think of a solution. I think your comment was unfair.

Toleave - if your H is refusing to speak to you or even discuss that there is a problem, then I'm not sure what you can do. You sound desperately unhappy to me, to even be contemplating leaving your children. Is there absolutely no way to persuade him discuss this with you? Does he know that you're thinking this? Leaving your DCs is a huge and possibly irreversible step, there must be alternatives?