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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider moving out

98 replies

Toleave · 12/11/2010 21:54

I am unsure as to whether I can continue to live with my h. He's a kind man, but he just isn't interested in me any more. He doesn't want to socialise with me, never talks to me (at all), and doesn't want to go out do anything with me.

Now I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

He won't leave, he doesn't even see there's anything wrong, and I think it would destroy him moving. My dd (14) would want to stay living with him, as we clash, and they don't. My ds (6) would be upset, but I think would want to be with his ds more than anything so would stay with her. At the end of our road there is a flat I could rent.

I am thinking of moving out to the flat. I would come round each morning at 7am as h has to leave for work, and I would ensure the dc were ready for school. I would collect the children on a wednesday from school, and have them for the evening. I would spend Saturdays with the dc, and if the dc wanted to all/part day Sunday.

What's other people's opinion on this - AIBU to even contemplate it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:37

No I don't think he's aware that i would leave the dc, and i think that's what he assumes you see, is that i will do anything to stay with the dc. I would if I could guarantee their happiness if it was me being their primary carer, but the dc wouldn't see it that way.

This is all presumption because as I say he is not talking.

OP posts:

immortalbeloved · 12/11/2010 22:38

I'm going to go againt the majority here and say YANBU

You clearly cannot stay in a relationship that is making you so unhappy, especially if your DH won't even discuss things let alone work on it

I also understand what you're saying about your daughter, she is of an age to choose who she wants to live with, so even if your DH left she could go with him

So really what choice do you have?

I think you should take some legal advice on where you will stand and think very carfully about the best outcome and how you can achieve this

Wishing you all the best, it sounds like such a difficult situation

Julezboo · 12/11/2010 22:40

I dont think I could ever leave my children tbh.

But in the likelyhood this happens. What happens if your DH meets someone new and moves her in? She wont be happy with you popping round every single morning and DH would likely to put a stop to it.

IF h doesnt see the kids much in the week due to working, then he will also want to spend time with them at the weekend.

Most people I know have alternate weekend with their DC's after a split.

pjmama · 12/11/2010 22:42

Perhaps telling him how you're really feeling might be enough to get him to realise how serious things have got? Maybe then he'll be prepared to discuss it? It sounds like all communication has totally broken down between the two of you, so counselling/Relate might help if you could get him to agree to it.

A mother contemplating leaving her children is extreme, but so is continuing with a family dynamic that is making everyone concerned miserable. You both owe it to your children to explore every avenue available to try and improve things. Hopefully he will see that if you're honest with him about how you're feeling?

I hope it works out for you.

northernrock · 12/11/2010 22:43

I don't think it is up to a six year old to decide for himself that he is going to boarding school..

Your kids probably are unhappy if they are not stupid. The atmosphere in your home can't be condusive to a happy family.

Before you get ahead of yourself you need to make your husband attend counselling with you.

If you just up and go your kids will never forgive you. Sorry, but it's true.

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:46

I would like to do mornings to show the kids that I wasn't abandoning them and walking away from them.

However, if a new partner moves in, and the kids are happy then of course I fully understand that my visiting rights will dramatically dwindle.

I would still hope for Wednesdays as long the kids want me on a Wednesday, and if alternate weekends is what the 3 of them want, then that's of course what i'll have to accept.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:48

I would be happy to attend counselling, and whilst reading this post, I am also looking at the Relate site.

The minimum will be me attending counselling. I will ask my h to attend, but I very much doubt he will attend.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 22:48

but you are dwindling awayto almost nothing in this family, that cannot be right. You are the mother of these dc and they would not be there without you. I can understand that you are unhappy but you must not just fade out of it.

What has gone wrong with dh?

pjmama · 12/11/2010 22:51

I'd certainly recommend you going to counselling on your own before you do anything drastic. Your DD may be old enough to know her own mind, but your DS is 6 years old - whether he knows it or not he needs his Mum. Leaving them will break their hearts, no matter how close you are and how often you visit. You need to be sure that it's the only and best way forward for all of you.

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:54

I have absolutely no idea. I wish I did, I wish I could say there was a trigger point. But there really isn't.

He does not go out much, always comes home from work, other than the one night away every other month. Therefore I maybe being naive but I really don't think there's anyone else.

He plays with the kids, he's laughing, joking interacts with them, he just avoids me at all cost. If i enter a room he leaves it, this seen as me spoiling the fun by kids, if they are playing I can walk into the room, say what you up to?, they'll answer and he'll walk out, game over. So I can't go where he is with the kids, as I am seen as the one who ruins the fun.

If they are watching tv, and I go and sit in the same room as them my h will leave the room and go and watch tv in another room.

When I ask what's up, i get no response.

OP posts:

wheresmytractor · 12/11/2010 22:54

I don't get it. Tell him to leave if your relationship is over. Your daughter might be big and teenagery enough to leave but your son isn't and amongst all this turmoil the family home and mother needs to be strong and solid as it can be. Sorry its so crap for you at the moment, hope it gets better x x

wheresmytractor · 12/11/2010 22:56

x posts. Your h is being very unreasonable. I would ask him to leave. Poor you to be so ignored and tbh bullied.

x

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 22:57

As I type this he's upstairs in the bedroom, and I'm in the lounge. He's been upstairs since the dc went to bed.

I know when I go to bed, he'll come downstairs and spend the night on the couch.

OP posts:

pjmama · 12/11/2010 22:59

If he has totally withdrawn from the relationship and refuses to give you any reasons why, then he should be the one to leave IMO. Don't let him shove you out of your own family without a fight. I hope you can find a way back for your marriage, but if you can't then you need to be strong for yourself and your children. His treatment of you has eroded your self esteem to the point that you feel they'd all be better off without you - this is not true.

Demand that he re-enter your marriage and work things out, or he leaves.

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 22:59

Toleave,I am so sorry for your situation.please try not to take this the wrong way but "However if a new partner moves in,and the kids are happy then of course i fully understand that my visiting rights will dramatically dwindle".are you blaming yourself for something(dont mean to be nosey.i mean do you think you could be depressed and thinking your dcs dont care about you because of this.ooh im getting muddled-sorry.i mean when someone is depressed things usually get distorted dont they,and maybe your dcs do care about you more then youre actually thinking at this mo?does anyone know what i mean?

MimsyRogers · 12/11/2010 23:00

That is absolutely horrible behaviour by your H, and I don't think you should be bullied into leaving. It sounds like it's his behaviour that is poisoning the atmosphere. And deliberately making you out to be the bad guy. So sorry for you .

Rebeccash · 12/11/2010 23:00

Can I just add that even though your dc may choose to stay with their dad it may not be the right decision for any of you. TBH I wouldn't contemplate leaving either of them (your dd may force the issue and stay with her dad but your ds is not old enough to make that choice). You need to think of yourself and the future.

MrsYamada · 12/11/2010 23:01

He sounds very unreasonable. I think your plan would work with someone willing to communicate with you but I can't see him doing that, if he can't even talk to you now. If he's willing to let the kids think you are the bad guy now, imagine what he will be like if you move out.

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 23:04

Ok so let's say that I force him out and to leave the house, my dd chooses that she is going with him, i tell my ds that he is staying with me because that's the best thing for him.

I still be bad guy in my ds' eyes as I've forced his dad and sister out of the house, and forced him to stay with me.

OP posts:

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:07

i agree with wheresmytractor.it seems h is very snidely making you out to be the one ruining the fun all the time.he seems to be in a nonverbal way getting the dcs on side-he'll look good to them as he's not arguing or saying anything.they just see you walk into the room and all the fun stops.thats actually really terrible what h is doing.i dont think he's kind.you need to stay with the dcs,its not you its h and if it were me i wouldnt want to leave my dcs with h if he capable of that.

MrsNonSmoker · 12/11/2010 23:08

Relate can help you with the practicalities of it, if you do decide to leave - they're not just there to encourage you to stay together. Definitely get advice first.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/11/2010 23:08

I think if I was you I would need to get to the bottom of what has gone wrong between you before moving out.

If the two of you hardly speak and are barely in the same room at the same time, you are practically living alone anyway. How would you benefit from living completely alone, away from your children- that's the bit I don't get. There must be some way you can make him discuss it with you.

Living in a flat on your own away from your children doesn't sound like a happy new life, and I find it hard to see who it benefits- apart from your DH? There has to be another angle to come at this

ZZZenAgain · 12/11/2010 23:09

I also don't think he sounds kind. Maybe he was once but he isn't coming across that way.

pjmama · 12/11/2010 23:09

It's really hard to give advice without understanding what's gone wrong with your relationship, which of course you can't possibly convey adequately here. I really think you should talk to someone before making any decisions. You sound very low (understandably) and this may well be clouding your judgement. Just remember that whatever your DS thinks he wants right now, he's only 6 years old and he doesn't know what's best for him. You have to decide that, even if it upsets him in the short term.

MrsYamada · 12/11/2010 23:09

You'd be the bad guy for a bit but hopefully everyone would work out it was for the best after a while. Your plan is great if it works, but if it doesn't you could end up with no access to your kids and give your H the chance to convince them you really are the bad guy. I'd be worried about giving him that chance. You know him best though, can you imagine him working with you on this? How much communication do you have about the kids?

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