To consider moving out

[Toleave]

I am unsure as to whether I can continue to live with my h. He's a kind man, but he just isn't interested in me any more. He doesn't want to socialise with me, never talks to me (at all), and doesn't want to go out do anything with me.

Now I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

He won't leave, he doesn't even see there's anything wrong, and I think it would destroy him moving. My dd (14) would want to stay living with him, as we clash, and they don't. My ds (6) would be upset, but I think would want to be with his ds more than anything so would stay with her. At the end of our road there is a flat I could rent.

I am thinking of moving out to the flat. I would come round each morning at 7am as h has to leave for work, and I would ensure the dc were ready for school. I would collect the children on a wednesday from school, and have them for the evening. I would spend Saturdays with the dc, and if the dc wanted to all/part day Sunday.

What's other people's opinion on this - AIBU to even contemplate it?

It does really sound like your Husband thinks you are , or have been having an affair.
I think you really really need to confront him. Who knows what is going on in his head?

Just stop letting him be in control all the time. And even if it is best that you split, I think you should keep the house.

I left my mums house to live at my Dad's when I was 15, and tbh it was neccessary-we just couldn't get on. It's fine now.

There is a really big difference between you leaving, and your daughter leaving. If you stay in the house, she always knows you are there for her, ready to welcome her back at any time. Teenagers and younger kids really need as much stability as possible.

In a week how many words do you speak to each other ?

(You must have some form of communication simply to provide basic co-ordination of activities)

classydiva do you know or think you know Toleave from real life ?

Can you explain the rationale behid your comments ?

Northern It does really sound like your Husband thinks you are , or have been having an affair.

Rings true.

However, OP has denied there being a trigger event.

But that in itself is odd since I would at least have expected an "it all started to go downhill when ...." type of account even if there were no obvious trigger.

Maybe her husband thinks she is having an affair.
He might have constructed a whole heap of events in his mind.
Not to make him sound like a mentalist, but it happens. Sometimes a misunderstanding can cause a calamity.

Yes, thats how I read it.

But there would still be an approximate start point to the difficulties.

OP is saying there is none.

Just

OP says she is being completely blanked.

As fathers get more involved with their children, and with the increase of SAHDs isn't this situation going to become more common?

I know a few dads who are now the main carer after separation.

Ask the man what his problem is!...how the heck can you walk around without communicating???..

maybe write him a letter and post it to him and put your feelings into it t break the ice?

Tis really strange and would drive me nuts!

I read this earlier and was at a loss at what to post, however since then I have not been able to stop thinking about your story, so I will try to say something constructive.
You sound like you have completely given up, his behaviour has eroded everything you could hang on to and you are out at sea. It is a heartbreaking account and his treatment of you is not acceptable, you are not the weak link, this is how he wants you to feel and your children to see you. Don't let this happen, please.
Firstly I suggest counselling for yourself, he is invited but YOU need some counselling, a safe place to talk and somebody to help you build yourself up.
Secondly concentrate on your children. Do things you know they enjoy, when he leaves the room you take over and bond and do all the thing he is now doing. You are not inferior, you are thier mother and they do want you. Every teenage girl has problems with thier mother but they come through them. If she is not ready yet do things with your son.
Lastly talk to your husband, you need to talk. If he leaves the room follow him, shout if you have to, write him a letter, do something to make him communicate with you.

Use mumsnet and be kind to yourself, don't make any rash decisions.

Said as well as it could be said BornAgainBokonomist. And I will add I think that you should not leave your children. You are their mum and if you go you will fracture your future relationship with them.

Love and hugs

He is not kind to either you or the children.

There are times when I am annoyed with my dh and don't feel like speaking to him but I don't want my children to feel they are in a tense atmosphere so I behave like an adult and talk to him.

It seems to me that he is tired of the relationship and is trying to freeze you out rather than manning up and coming out with it.

FWIW I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Her P was very hands-on with the kids but didn't speak to her for months on end. She left with the children ( the house was his) and is much, much happier now.

I think I would pack him a bag and change the locks TBH, regardless of the legalities. I could not put up with a man fucking up my children deliberately, in front of me. It is emotional abuse of all of you.

How are you today?

Have you had time to read all the posts and have a think about what's been said?

You sound depressed to me. And no wonder.

Definitely, definitely get counselling. Your dh clearly has issues, and he's taking it out on you, and probably the children. But it's reached into your psyche, so now I think you need emergency help.

And, yes, you both need couple counselling.

Actually, your posts have made me quite angry - with your dh. And, until you have done quite a lot of talking with a counsellor - don't move out. For heaven's sake. I find it quite hard to put into words quite why it's such a bad idea. It just is.

I have been thinking about this since I read your post earlier. I just wanted to offer my support and to say to you that you are not the weak link in your family. The fault here is with your H.

If you were to leave, then take the children with you. Don't let him freeze you out of their lives. He is the one doing all the manipulating here. I certainly wouldn't leave children in his care, if he is capable of behaviour like this. It is emotional abuse.

I think that getting the input of a counsellor would be very helpful to you, because this really isn't your fault and you need to get some support in RL.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP, as I've seen a similar situation (although not identical of course) at close hand.

My Mum was very unhappy for most of her marriage due to what she saw as a non-communicative relationship with my Dad. She endured it for years and thought she was doing so very successfully (as in keeping her unhappiness from my brother and I), but of course we noticed. She left the family home when I was 15 (DB had left already at that point) and eventually they divorced.

My Dad met someone else, but she never has. I know she wishes she hadn't left and had made more of an effort to make things work (as of course my Dad would have had to have done if they had chosen that path).

What I'm trying to say is you have to not only make your decision based on your children's happiness but also you own. My Mum has been unhappy and lonely for a very long time and we worry very much for her.

If I was in your position I would try some counselling. If it doesn't improve your relationship, at least it might give you some clarity as to what is best for YOU and not just your children.

Have only read the opening post but my thoughts would be that if you changed your mind and wanted to come back and he didn't want you to then you wouldn't have a leg to stand on legally as you have voluntarily left your children. Also if you divorced, he would be the parent with care and you could end up seeing the children every other weekend etc if he gets nasty. Your proposal of getting to the children at 7, spending Saturday etc may not suit your husband, especially if he becomes involved with someone else.

I also think that you have to consider that although you are a parent, you are also a person and that doesn't stop just because you are a parent. I don't believe you came on here asking for advice without having given this a lot of thought and having gone through a lot of heartache so good luck to you. Ultimately if the parents can come out of it without too much grief, I believe the children will follow.

I dont have time to read all the replies so apologies if anyone else has said this already.

Here is what I would do.

I would try and talk one last time, in an ultimatumy way, possibly farm out the kids beforehand and make it clear you will not be fobbed off and are about to deliver an ultimatum.

If he flat out refuses to talk to you, say "okay then, I'm going to be moving this to the next level in due course then" and finish the conversation there.

I would take a day off work, when he is at work, get the locks changed and pack him a bag. Basically I would put him out. I would pre-book him a couple of nights in a hotel so he's not literally sleeping on the street.

If this made him talk, fine, but it would have to be on neutral ground somewhere, and proper talking. I would ask him to move out and have a trial separation. If he agreed to counselling, fine, I'd do that. In the meantime he can't come back in the house, etc. The kids would stay with me in the meantime unless they wanted to go with him wherever he was, but that would be their choice.

If he wouldn't talk and would'nt compromise, you basically carry on in the house, and initiate divorce proceedings like you would if he'd cheated on you, or hit you, except his unreasonable behaviour is that he doesn't talk to you and has effectively opted out of the relationship.

If in the process of divorcing him, it comes about that the children want to go with him, then that may come about - but might not. It might be that you be the one who has to get a flat in the end and that you do get joint custody or it might not. You just might be surprised.

If you do it that way and what you think will ultimately happen does happen, then you are only as bad off as you would have been if you'd just done it, but it wont be as much "your fault". Your children wont see it as you leaving them - they will see it as putting their father out but they are old enough to have a bit explained to them, you can say to your six year old "mummy and daddy need to talk and mummy can't live with daddy until he talks about problems" and to your daughter you can explain a bit more.

In the meantime you can create a stable environment for them in the family home and take it from there.

That is what I would do, off the top of my head.

YANBU to want out of this relationship.