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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider moving out

98 replies

Toleave · 12/11/2010 21:54

I am unsure as to whether I can continue to live with my h. He's a kind man, but he just isn't interested in me any more. He doesn't want to socialise with me, never talks to me (at all), and doesn't want to go out do anything with me.

Now I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

He won't leave, he doesn't even see there's anything wrong, and I think it would destroy him moving. My dd (14) would want to stay living with him, as we clash, and they don't. My ds (6) would be upset, but I think would want to be with his ds more than anything so would stay with her. At the end of our road there is a flat I could rent.

I am thinking of moving out to the flat. I would come round each morning at 7am as h has to leave for work, and I would ensure the dc were ready for school. I would collect the children on a wednesday from school, and have them for the evening. I would spend Saturdays with the dc, and if the dc wanted to all/part day Sunday.

What's other people's opinion on this - AIBU to even contemplate it?

OP posts:

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:10

your ds would get over that.if it comes to that keep your ds busy for a while.he is deffo not old enough to make that choice of leaving you.tbh i wouldnt let dd make the choice till 16 but thats just me.

Original poster

Toleave · 12/11/2010 23:14

Thank you very much for all your advice I will definitely be contacting a counsellor.

I am now going off to bed, so won't be responding any more tonight. But thanks again.

OP posts:

MrsYamada · 12/11/2010 23:15

Good idea. Hope you work something out for all of you.

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 23:15

ToLeave - I can't work out if you are like my friend, who is just not very maternal, she could leave her kids, so long as she knew they were being well looked after or if you have been so beated down (emotionally not physically) in this relationship that you are just too exhausted to fight for what is right.

If it's the former then seek some counselling - but leaving may not be the worst thing in the world for the children,

If it's the latter and it would break your heart then you need to give DH an ultimatum - he goes to counselling or he leaves.

Do you think, that he thinks, you are having an affair? He's acting like a man who believes this....

begonyabampot · 12/11/2010 23:17

Have you written to your husband, say be email. We went through a tough few years and I found the easiest way to talk to him and tell him how I felt was be email. He couldn't walk away or argue back. Or show him this thread as a way of showing him how you are perceiving his behaviour and how it looks. Though I wouldn't necessarily be the one to leave - that would never have crossed my mind (don't have a teenager though) and seems to point to something wrong in your mindset at the moment - not many women would consider this, are you suffering from depression?

23balloons · 12/11/2010 23:19

This sounds so sad and unfair. He sounds like he is trying to set you up as the bad guy. Is there no way of playing him at his own game & ignoring him & engaging the children & leaving when he comes in the room? Obviously this may not be the best solution but I wouldn't give up without a fight.

I really don't have any better suggestions but if you asked him for a divorce but say you want him to leave, what would happen then? It might give him a reality check. I really hope you can sort something out as nobody deserves to be treated like this.

For what its worth - he is definitely not a kind man.

Rebeccash · 12/11/2010 23:34

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy temporarily for long-term good. I agree with the poster who said she wouldn't give your dd the choice until she is 16

newwave · 12/11/2010 23:38

Is the home in joint names ?

The problem with asking someone to leave is the answer can be no and often is. I dont believe he will leave it's part of his game and he will get the kids on his sidw

groggymama · 12/11/2010 23:43

Toleave, the lack of respect your husband is showing you with the silence and room leaving is emotional abuse. I think you are right to explore how you can resolve this and a counsellor may be useful. I hope you can get some help and support.

ApocalypseCheese · 12/11/2010 23:47

Bloody hell, what sort of family are you living in ??!! Your son WANTS to go to boarding school aged 7 because home is so bad.

What sort of messed up adult do you think he's going to be ??

You need to work at your relationship with your children first and foremost, then tackle your husband, don't just take the easy way out and walk, all your doing is closing the door on the mess you've left behind

LelloLorry · 12/11/2010 23:51

Just leave then.
Don't bother with morning visitations, or staying close. Go wherever the hell you want to go, it doesn't sounds like your DCs will care.

Bit harsh, whatever, if they then realise that they want their mother then you can arrange visitation.

Or tell your DCs you're thinking of leaving before you go, that way you aren't just abandoning them out of the blue and they know it's coming, and that you're leaving because of their father, not them.

mjinhiding · 12/11/2010 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

begonyabampot · 12/11/2010 23:57

am a bit surprised about a 6yr old wanting to go to boarding school - do most 6 year old know what one is?

RoseByAnyOtherName · 13/11/2010 00:15

Your situation sounds similar to mine, except my children are a bit younger (5 and 7). I have discussed it with a Relate counsellor ( a couple of times now) and she emphasised that if a couple are splitting up then it it better to do so before the children are 9, after which age they are themselves going through turbulent times and they need their parents to be are boring and predictable as possible, to be the rock to their own confusion.

You do really need to think about your daughter as well as your son. Glad you've decided to go for professional counselling.

mjinhiding · 13/11/2010 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wellwasi · 13/11/2010 09:25

Your committing a big MN no no. Leaving the children, even if it is for the best is a cardinal sin. You won't get much support on here. Good luck.

DaisySteiner · 13/11/2010 09:42

Your husband doesn't sound kind at all. He sounds like he is trying to force you to move out so you can be seen to be the one who wrecks everything. He's being extremely manipulative and if you leave you'll be playing right into his hands IMO. I think you need to get some professional help with this: legal help from a solicitor and a counsellor.

Please don't just walk out, I think you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

donnt · 13/11/2010 10:19

I think leaving would the worst thing to do. Your DD is a teenager and she will simply see it as abandonment from the main female role model in her life. Your son will probably be influenced by her to see it this way as well.

Whatever happens in a divorce/separation scenario the MOST important thing is for BOTH parents to show their children that they desprately want to be a big part of their lives.

For one parent to simply up and leave shows the children that they are not too bothered with them. The children feel this rejection.

You wont be able to legally have access to the home whenever you want, even if it is the children's best interests. Their father will be able to make the majority of the decisions concerning them.

Deal with the situation now and demand that you DH has counselling/mediation with you. If he refuses then go and get counselling/legal advise on what to do next! Do not leave or make any hasty decisions.

mumdrivenmad · 13/11/2010 10:22

you need to engage with your children, he cannot be the only one of you who has fun with your children. Why don't you all do some cooking together and get them talking about that, it is a life skill that they need anyway. Get some cookbooks out and do some planning then all go shopping for the ingredients. I think that you do sound low and planning good things to do can only help you. You need to communicate with your husband in some way, perhaps write to him to 'book' an appoinment, and before this meeting write down all of the points you want to make. Leaving your children should be only considered as a very last resort

faverolles · 13/11/2010 10:24

Your h sounds like an absolute shit. He's made you believe that you are the lesser parent.
From the information you've given us, your relationship with your dc has deteriorated through his actions.

Please don't leave your dc. I think you'd regret it forever. It sounds to me that you seriously need to rebuild your relationship with your dc before you make such a big decision.

Hullygully · 13/11/2010 10:30

Poor poor you.

How did this happen? Why doesn't he speak to you/stay in the room with you?

I can understand you wanting to leave, but be careful, if you don't explain your side to the dc, they won't see it and they will blame you. I have seen many noble parents keep quiet for the sake of the dc, thinking that they will realise and work it out for themselves as grown-ups. Far too often, they didn't and the relationship with the noble parent never recovered.

clam · 13/11/2010 10:35

"I am accepting the fact that I am the weakest link in this, and am prepared to sacrifice my happiness (not being with my dc 100% of the time), to ensure that they have the happiest life I can possibly offer them."

But they won't see it like that. They will forevermore perceive it, no doubt encouraged by him, that you abandoned them.

I would attempt to rebuild your relationship with your DD in particular, while you're in the house. Can't see it happening if you leave.

minibmw2010 · 13/11/2010 10:37

A friend of mine had to do this as the relationship between herself and her husband had deteriorated so badly she really saw no choice. She was the main breadwinner and her husband had absolutely no ambition to do better in his job, but it also meant that he could go in late and leave early to take son and pick him up from school so practically it was better the son stay with the dad at the family home. So eventually, after much much soul searching (and I don't doubt that OP has gone through exactly the same) she moved to a flat up the road and worked out good visitation rights with her husband and kept paying her share of the mortgage. Her son did suffer in the beginning, but he soon got used to it and realised that with both parents happy he was happier too .... so its not all doom and gloom, its down to whether the husband will co-operate or not .........

Sarthrell · 13/11/2010 10:45

Your daughter already knows something is wrong. She is old enough to understand that the leaving the room behaviour is punishing her and you. Perhaps next time he does this loudly ask him 'why are you leaving?, the children want you to stay?' He probably won't answer you but he then doesn't get to make you the bad guy.

Then turn to the kids and say 'well it doesn't look like dad is coming back, can I help you play'

It sounds to me like you've been very dominated by this behaviour trying to save the kids from any upset but this can't go on.

I think that your h is trying very hard not to be in your relationship but definitely doesn't want to be the bad guy or take any responsibility for the state of your relationship. Somehow you need to sort this out and counseling and building relationships with your dc first seems a better plan than moving out.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 13/11/2010 10:56

OP from what you say in your posts your h, far from being a kind man, sounds like a controlling abusive bully.

Do not leave, get some counselling by yourself.

In the meantime start building up your relationship with your children. Play with them, bake with them, take them out and do fun things.

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