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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by making DP do all the housework?

124 replies

Beb · 11/11/2010 11:05

DP is unemployed, and we have no children. I work full time, plus a volunteering job, so work approx 60hours per week.

Since DP has been unemployed (about 3months), we have been living off my salary alone, which is manageable. He starts a new job after Christmas, so we have decided there is no point in him looking for anything for the next 8weeks, and we will continue to live as we are until then. As I am the one working full time to support us, I have been expecting him to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning - jobs that were previously split 50/50 when we were both working.

DP is not happy with this, and refers to me as 'lazy' quite a lot. He constantly points out 'you haven't picked up the hoover in months' etc, but I think I'm entitled to do nothing around the house, since I now see that as his 'job'.

I am fully prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable, so... am I?

OP posts:

quizling · 11/11/2010 18:31

I wouldn't expect a SAHM to do all the housework either. Adults can clean up after themselves, even if they work full time.

discobeaver · 11/11/2010 18:34

One thing being in a relationship has taught me is that as soon as you think you are entitled to something your are greatly mistaken.

Agreed but he thinks he is entitled to do stuff all.

Lucky you going on a cruise - was it fab?

marantha · 11/11/2010 18:35

quizling Are you serious? The OP has said quite clearly that there is about an hour's worth of housework to do each day.
So he does SEVEN hours of housework a week, tops.
Putting aside voluntary work, she works FORTY hours (usually this is what full-time means).
And yet you suggest she do fifty per cent of housework? You're joking, right?

marantha · 11/11/2010 18:37

Doesn't mean to say she owns him. Indeed. Sounds like if anyone is being taken the p* out of here it is HER, not him!

Rosettaroo · 11/11/2010 18:43

YANBU In that I think he should do all the cleaning,but don't expect him to do stuff like pick up your dirty clothes off the floor( not saying you do, just that kind of thing).

Bonsoir · 11/11/2010 18:51

OP is definitely not being unreasonable. She works 60 hours a week ie is out of the house 12 hours a day. Her DH ought to be cherishing the opportunity to pamper her and let her live in 5* luxury for a while.

He'd no doubt enjoy her gratitude .

Want2bSupermum · 11/11/2010 19:03

Cruise was very nice thank you. Royal Caribean during Feb. The trip was timed perfectly we had a 'terrible' storm and were snowed in for two days after we returned! I know I am very lucky to have met my DH and I still have to pinch myself 4 years later that he asked me to marry him!

marantha · 11/11/2010 19:07

The poster who suggests that she owns him is incorrect. It is HE that owns HER.
He sits on his butt playing games while his willing slave goes out to earn the dough to keep him in a leisurely lifestyle.
And yet he has the audacity and cheek to balk at doing SEVEN hours chore- work a week. Unbelievable.

classydiva · 11/11/2010 19:07

I think he should do it during the week to be honest, you share at weekends.

marantha · 11/11/2010 19:29

Bonsoir Yes that is what he should do, and it would make his partner's life sweeter and it would be a nicer life all around for them both.
But he won't because he sounds like a bit of a twunt. I mean what else do you call a guy who does not see that it is equitable and fair that he do seven hours housework a week in return for being supported by his partner?
I can the OP's future with this guy: it is not pretty and I seriously would advise her to leave him now.

onceamai · 11/11/2010 19:32

YANBU buat there was a thread last week where the SAHM was complaining that her DH was not doing his exact fair share and almost all contributors felt that the chores shoudl still be split 50/50. If he's not lazy why on earth can't he get some temp. seasonal work between now and the new year or at least try.

Want2bSupermum · 11/11/2010 19:35

marantha - I mean what else do you call a guy who does not see that it is equitable and fair that he do seven hours housework a week in return for being supported by his partner?

A man.

Men don't always get hints or see thing and you have to spell it out to them sometimes. If the OP hasn't spoken to her DP about her expectations then she shouldn't be suprised when he fails to read her mind.

marantha · 11/11/2010 19:38

I remember that thread but I suppose the fundamental difference here is that the Opening Poster and partner are not looking after children, so it is a different scenario.
In the case of a sahp, I would perhaps say it would be fair if sahp did majority of housework but not all of it as looking after a child is work in itself.
Nevertheless, in the case here, I think OP's partner should do ALL of it without complaint.

marantha · 11/11/2010 19:41

Want2bSupermum OK, if we go down the 'because he is a man' route, then I'd like to suggest that most men would really hate being supported by a partner and would do all they could to make themselves useful about the place. That's if they are not twunts, that is.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/11/2010 19:55

If this was posted by a man

"You should definitely be coming home to a clean and tidy house, dishes done etc at the very least.

No reason why he shouldnt cook dinner too!"

then you would be calling him a twunt as well.

seems that the bloke can't win.

Want2bSupermum · 11/11/2010 19:59

He has gotten himself a job already and they agreed he wouldn't look for work between now and when his new job starts. For the guy to then jump to 'well I should do all the housework' is a bit unreasonable as housework was not talked about according to what the OP wrote.

In my experience of living with a man my DH never gets hints or sees things. I have to point them out to him everytime. In my experience as a manager, women tend to pick up on hints while most of the men who have worked for me don't.

Careful · 11/11/2010 20:11

Hmm, see from your first post I was going to say YABU because it conjured up images of you sitting there of an evening, perhaps dropping your litter on the carpet at your feet and demanding he picked it up (because you're the one with a job dontcha know).

But from your subsequent posts, I think YANBU. You're working 60 hrs a week and he's moaning about an hour a day? That's not right. It makes sense the one with the most free time gets more of the jobs done round the house.

Xenia · 11/11/2010 20:54

Just ignore his comments. Continue not to pick pu the hoover in months. He can't make you and when you don't do it he does it. So it's fine.

Obviously anyone with any sense of fairness knows 60+ hours of work from you and he watnign to do 3.5 hours a week housework not 7 hours is a ridiculous thing for him to suggest so just let him moan and continue not doing any.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 11/11/2010 21:56

I'm in almost the same situation.

I went on strike. The bed wasn't changed for weeks.

I cracked and changed it yesterday. He's off out with friends and in a huff with me.

Grrrr.

A household needs two things - money and housework. Both partners are equally responsible for both. However, these things are rarely devided equally. At the moment I pay all of the bills so DP should do most of the housework.

That seems more than fair to me!

Bue · 11/11/2010 22:04

I have to agree with Supermum, if the tables were turned and it was a woman being 'expected' to do all the work people would be ranting and raving that her partner was a male chauvinist pig and she had better consider ending this relationship ASAP. The hypocrisy is so obvious!

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 11/11/2010 22:08

Bue.

I dissagree massively. I have the same problem. All I want is some time to relax and maybe even do a hobby or something. It is grating when your partner has all day (no kids) and you work all day and come home to housework, while they play computer games? Gender has sod all to do with this, it's about a fair devision of labour and more importantly - time off!

Grumpla · 11/11/2010 22:23

YANBU.

Seriously, what do you think will happen when he starts work? If he can't be arsed now, he's certainly not going to pull his finger out then.

You're not expecting him to do all the work, you're already doing some at weekends - what is his problem?

Bue · 11/11/2010 22:33

StuckintheMiddle, I'm coming from the opposite position. I posted about my own situation on the first page (currently waiting to start new venture in new year and at home during the day while DH works loooooong hours. Subsequently doing at least 95% of housework). I'm convinced that if I posted asking if this was an acceptable situation, people would be questioning the state of my marriage and coming down on DH like a ton of bricks. But I can't say for sure because I've never asked!

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 11/11/2010 22:40

I agree that it would be hippocritical to say that. However I personnaly would say the name no matter the gender. I've been the one at home before and I did do most of the housework. We need to get gender out of these discussions.

pottonista · 11/11/2010 22:57

I found myself thinking about this while I was making dinner, and wondering what I'd be thinking if I was in your DP's position.

If his being at home all the time is temporary (ie he's starting a new job after Christmas) then presumably he's used to working and being at home is a novelty? And if it's not for much longer then maybe - and I know this will sound like devil's advocate - he's now settled into thinking of it as 'time off' and a bit of a holiday before he goes back to work?

The problem with this, of course, is that he's taking his holiday bankrolled by you, and you're not getting any kind of holiday, or even any let-up on the amount of housework you would be sharing with DP when you were both working. Which is of course unfair. But if you come at him with 'You lazy ungrateful sponger', or anything that carries that kind of implication, it's going to put his back up, which won't help him see things from your perspective.

Perhaps though you could help him to see that now he's got a job lined up, he can relax and enjoy a few weeks' down time. And given that, perhaps you could remind him that you work like a blue-arsed fly? And perhaps he could consider - while he has the time - taking the housework pressure off you, so that you can both benefit? After all, that way you won't be doing chores on your limited time off, which means more time to spend together, right?

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