by making DP do all the housework?

[Beb]

DP is unemployed, and we have no children. I work full time, plus a volunteering job, so work approx 60hours per week.

Since DP has been unemployed (about 3months), we have been living off my salary alone, which is manageable. He starts a new job after Christmas, so we have decided there is no point in him looking for anything for the next 8weeks, and we will continue to live as we are until then. As I am the one working full time to support us, I have been expecting him to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning - jobs that were previously split 50/50 when we were both working.

DP is not happy with this, and refers to me as 'lazy' quite a lot. He constantly points out 'you haven't picked up the hoover in months' etc, but I think I'm entitled to do nothing around the house, since I now see that as his 'job'.

I am fully prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable, so... am I?

Actually - I think YABU. yes he could do the bulk of it and he could have dinner on the table for you but I think you could share a lot of it too.

I don't think a SAHM should have to do ALL the housework either.

working9while5 There are NO children, she works SIXTY hours a week (this includes a paid FULL-TIME job). There is just the two of them- he does, what, a MAXIMUM of 2 hours housework a day so even IF he does ALL housework that adds up to FOURTEEN hours.
Do you STILL think that she should be doing housework?

I haven't changed my mind. I don't think he should be doing everything. Yes, I do think you should cook sometimes even if you have been at work all day. Because otherwise you are treating him like Stray's husband is treating her - its not on.

We can all read Maranta, there's no need to shout. Makes you look daft.

He's lost his job, yes? That's a huge emotional and psychological whammy for anyone who has been employed. It's a major adjustment. We went through this a few years back and I thought I was going to lose the plot with dh (then dp): I felt terribly resentful that I was working while he was moping and being negative about his prospects while doing not-a-lot-else. However, when I look back, I was being terribly harsh. Being unemployed was a huge shock for him and it took him a short while to rally.

I don't think that she should expect him to clear up after her and cook every single day. I don't think any adult should have to be solely in charge of clearing up after both adults in a house. As was said earlier, if the OP was a single adult, she would work 60 hours and maintain a house/cook.

If I was going to pick a battle here, I would be saying he needs to spend the time job-hunting or volunteering or undertaking training. That would be more useful for the future of this household than making him feel like his new job is housework.

I feel in any household, there has to be some sort of division of domestic labour. I don't think it's right for one adult to do all the shitwork for another.

Incidentally, I think he is being a cock for calling the OP lazy. I just don't think that it's a given that if you are at home you have to take on all the chores without mutual agreement.

Ooops just realised he has a job after Christmas.

Blimey I don't think yabu at all.

I'm a SAHM with 3 dc's (2 pre-schoolers) and I do housework (well do have a cleaner once a week) and cooking etc. DH works very long hours and I think thats fair.

To be honest I don't see why he should sit and play computer games all day when doing the house stuff would probably take a couple of hours a day - still plenty of time for him to play games etc.

namemcmynamechange I don't really care if it makes me look daft, tbh, the only 'daftness' I see here is that people actually agree with OP's partner's complaint about having to do the housework when he has nothing else to do (no children to look after).

I think that the fact that he is NOT a sahp has passed some people by here.

Well, it is mumsnet. People assume there are children knocking about.

Well, there you have it, the opening poster should clearly tolerate having a partner who moans about doing a few hours housework a day while she works full-time in paid employment to support them both.
It is only right that she has the p* taken out of her in this way. The Mn jury says so.

While he should be doing the majority of the housework you should still be contributing. It might be that he called you lazy because you expect him to do it.

I have been laid off twice in the past two years. I was not working for nine months and then four months. I decided to do all of the housework, organized our wedding, volunteered, went back to school and applied to at least five jobs a week. I did all of this to keep myself busy. You might find your DP has some issues with being laid off.

A quick tip on call of duty. We got a dog and when he was a puppy (and I was home) I unplugged the playstation and let the dog chew the thing to pieces. When DH came home I told him how the dog had been a naughty boy and that I had already punished him.... I also told DH that the reason the dog chewed it was probaly because he was upset that his 'daddy' spent all his time on it when the dog just wanted to play. DH later told me he felt guilty because the dog would look hide behind the sofa when he played the game (probably because he was scared of the noises). I am happy to say we are still a playstation free house but we have a wii for when DH needs his game fix.

She IS contributing though, by paying for everything and providing food a roof and heating and electricity for him to play his bloody games. Yes, perhaps she could cook the odd meal or do a bit at weekends, but otherwise it's absurd that she should even be asking if she is unreasonable.

He isn't her houseboy or her skivvy, but equally she isn't his mum. He should pull his weight, and looking after a 2 bed flat with no kids isn't a full time job.

Yes maybe he has got issues with being laid off, but he has got another job, and it sounds like he is taking the piss big style.

discobeaver - I would have had a huge issue if DH had expected me to do all the housework and I would have probably gone on strike. He never expected me to do all of the housework and would always thank me for doing stuff around the house. He would also bring me home little gifts and took me on a cruise for a week.

The OP thinks she is entitled to do nothing and expects the guy to do everything. No one is entitled to anything apart from death and taxes and if you don't communicate with your OH don't expect them to be too happy when they find out you expect them to be doing something you haven't discussed or come to an agreement on.

Presumably, then, Want2bSupermum, we could reverse this and say that the OP's partner thinks that he is entitled to do nothing and expects her to do everything as in working and putting a roof over his head?

This is the most stunned I have ever been here-I cannot believe that people are saying OP is wrong when she works her butt off while he moans about doing a few hours housework (in between sleeping and playing games, that is)
No wonder so many women go it alone.

YANBU to expect him to do it on the days you are at work. You need to chip in when you are at home though.

marantha - What I am saying is that if you don't discuss things with your OH don't expect them to just get it. One thing being in a relationship has taught me is that as soon as you think you are entitled to something your are greatly mistaken.

If the guy thought that he was entitled to do nothing he wouldn't have gone out and gotten a job. If we were to reverse the roles and the guy was the only earner he would be thought of as a chauvinist pig if he expected his OH to do all the housework and think he was entitled to do nothing around the house.

The parts of the post I am referring to are:

I have been expecting him to do all the housework; and

I think I'm entitled to do nothing around the house, since I now see that as his 'job'.

With that attitude it is no wonder the guy isn't interesting in doing the housework. If my DH thought those things we wouldn't be married.

YANBU,

1. You don't have kids

2. You work 60 hours a week

3. He is unlikely to be depressed,
   as he alresdy has a job lined up.

Why the hell can't he cook and clean when you are at work.?

oh I can't type! Sorry for the mistakes but cold here at work..

He should be doing all the housework and cooking mid week ashe has nothing else to do and at weekends you should be sharing all house work.

Only just saw this thread. Personally, I think OP should do something around the house (even if it is a couple of hours) on the basis that:-

If the tables were turned I am sure most people would take the opposite viewpoint (as some people have pointed out).

I also think people are being far too nice about the voluntary work on here. It is what it says on the tin - voluntary. Most people who do voluntary work do it because they want too not because they are hoping to get a promotion at work. If you don't have the time to do it then you need to cut it back.

I am not saying it should be 50/50 in this circumstance, but as in all areas of life, in relationships you sometimes have to negotiate and this is one of them.

YABU. You make money, congratulations. It doesn't mean you OWN him. At the very least you can clear up after yourself and share the cooking 50/50, if not everything. If you want a housekeeper I suggest you hire one.