by making DP do all the housework?

[Beb]

DP is unemployed, and we have no children. I work full time, plus a volunteering job, so work approx 60hours per week.

Since DP has been unemployed (about 3months), we have been living off my salary alone, which is manageable. He starts a new job after Christmas, so we have decided there is no point in him looking for anything for the next 8weeks, and we will continue to live as we are until then. As I am the one working full time to support us, I have been expecting him to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning - jobs that were previously split 50/50 when we were both working.

DP is not happy with this, and refers to me as 'lazy' quite a lot. He constantly points out 'you haven't picked up the hoover in months' etc, but I think I'm entitled to do nothing around the house, since I now see that as his 'job'.

I am fully prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable, so... am I?

if you are at work full time and he isn't, he should do most of the work. The answer to the question 'why should you have the evenings and weekends to yourself when he doesn't?' is that he has every single day to himself.

Every day. No Monday mornings, no commute, no worrying about clean clothes for work, no fraught lunch hours. He has enough spare time.

YABU. Regardless of whether you work, you still live in the house, you still create mess.

I agree he should do more than you, but everything??? You is taking the piss.

YANBU. He should be doing the majority (though not all) of the housework - this should be his contribution to your joint life, just as yours is primarily earning the money at the moment.

YANBU, you're at work 60 hours a week, he's doing nothing during the day while you're at work.

Clearly once he's back in work and at weekends it should be 50/50 but while he's at home waiting for his job to start why shouldn't he do what needs doing round the house?

I think he'd be quite lazy if he didn't tbh, whats the point of him sitting about not (for example) doing the washing or whatever while you're at work, only to wait for you to come in and do it instead

I think hou need to sit down and talk to him, and explain your reasoning for you wanting him to do this.

My DH hardly worked last year and I did expect him to do most of the stuff around the house whilst I worked full time. He didn't do everything, but that was mainly because he's rubbish at it and forgets lots of the little jobs that need to be done, but he did do most. At weekends, though, we pitched in together.

Unless he is doing doing something you haven't mentioned like volunteering, then at the moment he is doing nothing with his time. He's found a job, you have no children. You, on the other hand, are working full time. So that's probably 40 hours a week? (volunteering = personal choice) So, as far as I can see it's not unreasonable to expect him to input those amount of hours into getting the home in order during the week.

And at weekends, you split it.

I don't think this is a male / female thing, in that if it was the other way round and it was a man working full time and a woman at home all day with nothing else to do, I'd be saying exactly the same thing. That wouldn't be because I think women should do all the housework, but because I expect the one with no job to fill their time doing something useful!

Thanks everyone for your input - quite a lot of variety of opinions here, and I genuinely am prepared to accept I am being unreasonable, so I've definitely got some food for thought here.

The only thing I suppose that really bothers me is he gets to sit at home all day for ten hours sleeping, watching tv and playing computer games (yes, ANOTHER grown man addicted to that bloody Call of Duty game!) so when I get home, I think it would be lovely to put my feet up and get to do the same - I don't think its fair for me to be cooking dinner and loading the dishwasher etc when he has had all day to do that! But, I see what some of you are saying re: hired help etc, so I guess I'll just have to swallow it and be prepared to cook dinner etc!

Surely expecting him to do about one hours housework/cooking a day isn't THAT unreasonale though, is it? We still split things 50/50 on weekends, and I still do the food shopping and sort the bills and stuff.

Ah but I think people were taking what you said literally i.e. "making him do all the housework", v different if you split it at weekends.

I would say YANBU to want him to do the housework during the week, and to want to have your dinner cooked etc. It's still nice to be appreciative though, as I hope any man would be of his SAH female partner doing so.

Ah now you didn't say that in your op did you? No, he shouldn't be sitting on his arse all day and then letting you come home from work and cook dinner.

He should do the vast majority of the work, you should just pick up the slack and (presuming you have children he has to get up with?) let him have one lie in a week (you have the other, again, presuming you have two days off a week?)

I'm guessing your house is different to mine, because with three children, a DH who is as useful as a soggy paper bag, two dogs and a cat with ibs, keeping on top of my house and organising the dc is a fulltime job, not just an hour a day.

DooinMeCleanin - we have no kids, and only a two bed flat, and since I'm out working a lot of the time, cleaning never amounts up to that much (certainly nowhere near an hour a day!), its probably more the cooking I suppose.

If I'm completely honest, on weekends we tend to get takeaways etc, and since he's had all week to clean/hoover etc, its not like it really needs doing on the weekends as well, so although I would theoretically split chores on the weekend 50/50, in reality, neither of us really do any (And never did when he was working either - weekends have always been our 'free time')

I am definiely prepared to try and cook a couple of dinners in the week then I suppose, and to be a bit more grateful of the things he does, rather than just 'expecting' it of him, so to speak.

I have to admit I'm horrified at the amount of ppl saying OP is BU!!

I don't work, my husband does. I do all the housework, the cooking and the childcare! When he comes home he is tired so I cook and clean up. On his days off he is spending time with the kids.

Why then is it perfectly normal for me as a woman But unreasonable for OP to expect the same from her DP?

Sorry, whoever is at home and not working should be doing the majority of the housework, regardless of the gender That's his job for now, he needs to suck it up I'm afraid.

I've changed my mind now. YANBU. If that is all he has to do then you really aren't asking much are you?

So long as you still pick stuff up after yourself and stick the kettle on occassionally (this is my main bug bear with DH - as I am home more often it is my job to pick up after everyone!!!) then he should do the rest.

If you'd said in your OP 'My dp spends 10hrs a day playing games and watching television. AIBU to expect him to do an hour of housework and not leave everything for me to do when I get home from work?' then you might have got some very different answers.

It's a different scenario to 'AIBU to make DP do all the housework because I work and do a voluntary job'.

Stray I think the thing is most women don't think that's completely normal anymore!

I don't want to denigrate what you do because I'm sure you do a fantastic job, it's your choice, and I'll bet your house looks much nicer than mine (which is frequently squalid). It's just that most of us do expect our DHs to pull their weight, regardless of who is working. Given this and that we assume the OP has the same expectations, it would be hypocritical to expect the OP's DP to do everything.

I do more than my DH at home because he works FT and I'm on mat leave. But tbh I resent it if the time I spend with DS is spent multitasking so I can't give him my full attention, and then DH gets to sail in at the end of the day, do nothing around the house and have a lot more fun / quality time with DS than I do!

Totally disagree with most here!

You should definitely be coming home to a clean and tidy house, dishes done etc at the very least.

No reason why he shouldnt cook dinner too!

FFS, all of this would only take an hour out of his day!

YANBU

You don't have any kids and unless you are filthy people, surely your mess generation is minimal. He should not be sitting on his butt playing video games all day and then expect you to get home from work and do the housework too!

You should certainly not be careless in generating more mess for him to clear up (DH leaving his clothes on the bedroom floor drives me insane!) but it sounds like he's not pulling his weight

BTW I have also changed my mind if you are only talking an hour a day! Lazy git.

He should do the housework at the very minimum.

However, I am going to be sly and say you should get him used to doing 100% for the next 8 weeks because when he goes back to work, he will find it more difficult to get away with doing any less than his 50%!

Slightly pointless op then.

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I don't even go along with the share cooking business at weekends business- wtf??!!
I mean, really, unless he is doing EIGHT whole hours a day on housework- what ELSE is he doing with his time?!
ALL the housework AT THIS TIME is his.
OK, when you are BOTH working you'll split it but, until then, you have nothing to feel bad about.
How dare he call you lazy!! A person who works 60 hours a week. The cheeky barsteward!

nameymcnamechange - can I ask what changed your mind? Your first post said I was being V unreasonable, and pointed out "Who would clean the toilet if you lived on your own? You bloody would. Can't believe I'm reading this with my own eyes".

I said in my OP we had no kids to look after, so the cleaning&cooking he needed to do was just for us two, and that he already had found a job for Jan and wasn't working in any form - why has the fact he spends his free time playing computer games changed your opinion so fast? Would it still be the same if he spent his free time in the gym or something?

I am not saying it is his fault for not working in the past 3 months. Not at all.
But given that he hasn't been, it is perfectly, perfectly reasonable to expect him to do the housework.
Are you planning on getting married? Consider it carefully if you are- this guy is so off the scale of unreasonableness it is not true.

I also question any suggestions that he is your 'skivvy'. Are you not HIS skivvy, too? After all, YOU are the one who is supporting him at the moment, right? Working full-time (plus volunteering job which never looks bad on a CV should you try to get promoted or something)to do so.

I can't believe that some people actually think YABU!?

If you were a SAHM and your DP was working full time, then you'd be expected to do all the housework. Why doesn't that apply the other way around? If he's at home all day and you're working 60hrs a week then damn right he should be doing it all. If you both work, you split it - only fair.

I don't think a SAHM should be expected to do all the housework.

There are no children in this case so it's different. He should do more than he's doing but probably not all.