To go to the US for a week without my family?

[ttalloo]

My DSis, who lives in the US, has recently had a baby.

Throughout her pregnancy she's said that she would like my mother or me to come and visit after the baby's born. My mother won't go because she hates travelling alone, doesn't cope with jetlag, and doesn't like where my DSis lives. Even now that the baby's been born, she still doesn't want to go.

So I've booked tickets to go for a week by myself in early December, and DH has gone spare. We've been arguing talking about this for the last nine months, and I know why he doesn't want me to go, but I think he's being a selfish pig. Today he told me that if I go our marriage is in jeopardy, that I'm a selfish mother, and the children (24mos and 3.8yrs) will have a terrible week without me.

The trouble with his arguments is that I think he's being so unreasonable that divorce at this precise moment doesn't seem such a bad idea (I haven't had a chance to calm down yet), and that of the two of us I am not the selfish one because I'm not the one who sleeps through every noise the DC make, or who ignores them to watch TV, or who plays on his iPhone while they're clamouring for his attention, or who leaves everything regarding the DC to his wife.

I agree that the DC probably won't take my absence very well (DS2 is going through a phase of howling every time I go to the loo), but there would be a better chance of it if DH were positive about it. And DH undermines his argument in that regard because I sometimes have to travel for work, and he has no complaints about me needing to be away for a week if necessary. Because it's work, and that's more important than my DSis.

In RL my friends all think my DH is BU, but he, his parents and my mother (who probably thinks I'm showing her up) all think that I am. I still have three weeks before I need to get on a plane but I've lost all sense of perspective on this - hence this overlong post - and would appreciate some input from some people who don't have a vested interest in the outcome of my decision. Thanks.

YANBU, I sometimes make cat bum mouth at peolpe who leave little ones so the parents can go away together for a baby free holiday...

But you aren't leaving them alone, you are leaving them with their father... And presumably a large extended family if already they all know your business and feel ok to have an opinion on it!

I am soon to have my first baby on a another continent from my family.. It is scary and lonely. Good for you for looking out for your sister

Also a friend of mine came to visit last year her first time ever leaving her children "alone" with her husband (he goes aways for business at least every 2 weeks). The children were 8 and 10. Dadddy called every hour on the hour because he didn't have a clue, didn't know where the kid's food would be... Kitchen maybe????

And other pathtic chances excuse to make sure my friend couldn't have fun. Sounds like you aren't as appricated as you could be.. I suspect this will remind him how much work you do.

Yes, evildead my mother and ILs all live within a five-minute drive of us. The DC go to pre-school three days a week and my ILs look after them five days a week when I'm at work anyway.

And I remember all too well how scary it was to have DS1 surrounded by family and friends - my DSis doesn't have that support network and I just want to go out there and give her a hand for a week. But DH thinks that I can't achieve anything in a week that can't be done over the phone, and I'm just trying to blag a child-free holiday.

And DH is very much like your friend's husband - when he had to look after the DC in the summer because his parents were away, I had regular phone calls throughout the day about mealtimes, naptimes, location of their clothing... But when he goes away I just get on with it!

Did you book it without talking it through properly with your DH then? If so I think you're already on the back foot as that in itself is VU imo. Were you planning on taking your mum with you or just going on your own?

This is quite a complex one really as on the one hand its your sister and you do travel with work so the precident is already set for being awy from you DCs. On the other hand, you've booked this without really talking it through properly with your DH and sorting out childcare (presumably your DH works also).

YANBU to want to go and see your sis and her new baby
YABU to book a flight without talking it through with your DH and sorting out proper childcare arrangements
Your DH is BU for being so pigheaded about it

So what to do? Well you need a long, calm talk with DH for a start. Can you come up with come compromises? Is there anyone else who can look after the DC's for some or part of the time? Is it an option to take one or both of them with you? Is it an option to delay the trip and go as a family at christmas?

yanbu - your dh will cope as will the children, and it will be good for him/them. Your sister needs to see her family too.

I've just come back from a week long work trip to the US over half term - dh and ds had a lovely time, and dh really enjoyed it

Pheebe, DH knew that I was going to book the flights, but I didn't discuss the details with him because I knew that he didn't want me to go. (I'm going alone; my mother won't go.) Stupidly I thought that presenting him with a fait accompli might help.

I know that he's right to be angry that I did this without consulting him, but he was never going to agree to it no matter how much I begged or reasoned with him.

We have childcare in place - what I think is bothering him is that he will have sole responsibility for them in the evenings when he picks them up from his parents, and at night (in the unlikely event that he hears them crying), and in the mornings. And for one whole weekend, although I suspect he will be at his parents for the duration.

He also says that the DC will find my absence unbearable because I'm the most important person in their lives - but if they can't manage for a week with only their dad there has to be something wrong, surely?

YANBU, you are going for a completely valid reason and any father should be able to cope with his kids for a week. He needs to grow up.

if they won't cope without you then he clearly hasn't made himself important to them, has he? What a shit dad.

Yes I can see from subsequent posts that childcare is in place (wasn't clear initially) and I absolutely agree with you, he is being utterly pathetic in his arguments for you NOT going. Colditz has hit the nail right on the head and I think I would be saying exactly that to him (perhaps a little more gently).

However, are you really prepared to jeopardize your marriage over this? It does sound to me like there's a higer underlying imbalance in your relationship anyway that needs to be addressed.

Tough choice. I think I'd seriously consider taking the kids with me but I certainly would not let things continue as they are with DH seeing me as and unpaid nanny for his kids with benefits.

YANBU. Your husband is being a wanker.

Pheebe - it isn't the OP who is 'prepared to jeopardize your marriage' - it is the wanker husband who thinks he owns his wife.

colditz, chandellina, I've told DH repeatedly that he should be able to look after the DC (especially with all the help he's going to have), and that my being away for a week, while the DC won't necessarily like it, might be an opportunity for them to spend more time with him, and see him as important to them as Mummy.

But he's adamant that the DC will spend the entire week howling for me, and that I'm being neglectful and selfish in going to see my DSis. He says that this shows that she and her new baby are my priority, not the DC, which is utter nonsense - they just happen to need me more that week than the DC, who will have their father and three grandparents on hand to look after them. My DSis has no one nearby to help her, and for all that DH doesn't like it, she is incredibly important to me.

Pheebe, you are right, there is a higher underlying imbalance in our relationship - I'm waging a constant battle with him to do things that I think are normal and good for me or us as a family, but that take him out of his comfort zone (like go out with my friends, throw parties, have the DCs' friends over for playdates, go on outings), because he's quite anti-social and happy to spend his free time in front of the TV or playing with his iPhone. For all his faults, I don't want to jeopardise our marriage (I'm feeling calmer now), because when DH is on good form (or when I'm not annoying him) he's lovely, but I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner from which I'm never going to get out again.

I've thought about taking the DC with me but that will triple the cost of the trip, there isn't enough room for us all to stay at my DSis's, DS2 in particular is an appalling traveller (when we went to the US last year for a family holiday he howled on and off all night for the fortnight we were there, wouldn't eat and kept saying he wanted to go home), and the point of my going is to give my DSis lots of help, which I can't do if I'm looking after two toddlers of my own.

So I don't know what to do. If I go DH might divorce me on grounds of desertion but if I stay I might divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Perhaps you could point out to your wanker husband that if you divorced then for a proportion of the time he will be looking after the children alone anyway.

You are not being neglectful and selfish going to see your sister in anyway.

talk about blackmail! just go, he has to learn how to look after his own children, although he probebly will leave it to someone else. Your children wont hate you and youl have fun. Just go.

Im going to morroco next summer alone, my dp is having the children and I am going to relax-you have a right to life away from your family and he should support you. He sounds like a spoilt child

I think the only unreasonable element of all this (on your part) is not discussing the whole thing properly with your DH. Regardless of how he reacted I think you should have been upfront and straight with him , but I think you know that already. As to going away for a week without him or the children YANBU in the slightest and I think he should grow up!

it is unreasonable of him not to have a good enough relationship with his children that he can't look after them for a few evenings and a weekend. BUT you need to talk to him in regards to this as a wider issue- ie the things you mentioned about balance
Aproach it from an "I feel" perspective- do not get drawn into a debate about the nitty gritty of this arrangement as you are both taking polar oposite views....

How do his grandparents feel about this?

YANBU and I think it's a bit sad that he doesn't want to take the opportunity to be a bit more important in their lives.

YANBU

Your 'd'h is being a wanker and totally pathetic.

earwicga, his parents and my mother all say that I am wrong to go.

His parents because they take his side in everything (and because when I last went away for work in June, for four days, they say that DS2 was extremely unhappy about it, and they think I'm being selfish to put him through it again), and my mother because she knows deep down that she should be going (she's retired and has no commitments) and resents me for making her look bad.

All three also take the view that when they had small children they had no help from anybody, and my DSis, having made the decision to move to the US, has to suffer the consequences of that (i.e. no family close by to help).

badfairy, I know I should have discussed the bookings with him before I went ahead and made them, but I knew that he would just say no. He'd have been just as angry if I'd booked them knowing that he'd told me not to, and would still be occupying the same dubious moral high ground that he is now (you did it even though I told you not to / you did it without even consulting me).

The whole wider issue of balance, though, hettie is going to be so difficult to address. I've been putting the DC first for nearly four years now, partly out of choice, and partly because if I don't, DH probably won't. He's behaving, as nordicprincess said, like a spoilt child and it's impossible to reason with him when he threatens me with divorce and winds up the DC by saying that mummy's going to go off and leave you for a week because she loves your auntie and cousin more.

It's only a few days difference for your DCs, and it's in a special cause. It's not forever. That winding your DC up with the threat that you don't love them first is very prattish and immature of your DH .

he tells your chilldren you love your sister more? thats quite evil.

Well he sounds just charming. You do need to resolve this somehow before you go because if he fills his head with that kind of rubbish it will be horrible for them.

I went away for a week (more like 10days) to US for work, dh and ds (then 2.5) came with me to london and stayed with my sister/bil/nephew (grandparents two seconds down the road) while i was away to keep ds occupied. He did have a couple of wobbles and asked for me quite often but he was kept very busy and given lots of love and attention and the overall opinion is that he was JUST FINE. I missed him a million times more than he missed me. (pout)

But my dh was supportive as was all my family. I don´t think YABU at all but i have no idea how you can get your dh to see this and support you. he does sound like he is just pissed that he will have to do all the work for a change and that is exactly what he´ll have to do.

ttalloo - I'm sorry. You are surrounded by uncaring people and must feel so isolated. I don't really know what to say other than you are right and they are wrong. It's shocking that your husband would want to upset your children by telling them lies.

If I was you then I would book 3 one-way flights. I hope somebody else has some more constructive advice.

Your poor sister :(
Seriously they can all just shut up, go and spend some time with her. She must be petrified. Will she for sure have had the baby when you arrive?

He's being ridiculous, he's the children's father and should be perfectly capapble of looking after them.

If they spend the week howling for you it just goes to show he should have built up a better relationship with his own children so they appreciate you both equally.

Rather than you being neglectful & selfish for the time you're away it just highlights that he's just those things, but permanently by the sounds of things.